Texas Tech has long been a revolving door for defensive staff. With 7 defensive coordinators in seven years, some have compared the Tech DC position to the Defense Against The Dark Arts professor in Hogwarts. I don't, because Harry Potter sucks and no one should ever watch or read it. The suckitude of Harry Potter aside, I have some completely and totally realistic, rational, and technically living job candidates for the positions of Defensive Line and Defensive Backs coach that have just come open. In no particular order, here are the most (un)likely candidates for the two job spots currently open.
1. Paul Rhoads
Paul Rhoads is an obvious choice here as he already has experience as a coach. My only question with Rhoads would be his Pride level: is it so proud that he wouldn't accept a job as an assistant after being a head coach for so long? I could definitely see Rhoads coming here potentially, but that pride thing might be a roadblock.
2. Ron Prince
You know what Texas Tech needs? A disciplinarian. A real tough guy. A lunch pail, show up and work, blue collar, probably-murdered-someone-in-a-coal-mine classic man. Enter Prince, Ron. Let me tell you, if any guy is (unnecessarily) tough, it's Ron Prince. He will be the Prince to our Kingsbury, and help guide the Texas Tech Royal family back into control of the Big Twelvesteros.
3. The Sentient Can Of Red Bull Formerly Known As Dana Holgorson
You may be asking yourself, "What the heck? Dana Holgorson is an offensive coach! Why is he on a list for defense?". My pet theory surrounding Dana Holgorson is simple. At some point, he will openly morph into a can of Red Bull, wether for advertising dollars or simply because he wants to. When he transforms into the can, we should snatch him up, because no one can get you ready to play like a Red Bull. Red Bull gives you wings, and it certainly isn't radioactive Unicorn piss.
4. Rob Ryan
I think we should get Rob Ryan simply because he looks like the embodiment of Texas Tech. The long, flowing beard suggests wisdom. The spewing of profanity suggests passion. The slamming of the headset suggests uncontrollable rage. The bits of rotisserie chicken left in his beard suggest a hearty appetite. Everything about Rob Ryan screams "home run hire". He could probably suit up and play DT too, which is a huge bonus. Does anyone know if he has any eligibility left?
5. Kyle Chandler
Kyle Chandler, while an actor, has played a coach on a TV series. And let's be honest, at this point it couldn't hurt too much to explore this option. Some of that rhetoric about playing hard and never giving up and believing in your teammates had to bleed over a little bit, right?
6. Charlie Sheen
No one knows more about lines, am I right guys? Can I get a HEYOOOOO? No? Okay whatever tough crowd.
7. The Great Dark One
This might just look like a picture of Nick Saban. That is where you are wrong. Many people allege that Nick Saban made a deal with the devil to be a good football coach. I say that those people are close, but ultimately incorrect. Nick Saban didn't make a deal with the devil, he is the devil himself. We would probably have to sacrifice a few walk-ons and water polo players to get him even interested, but with the Great Dark One on our side, we might not lose another game.
And there you have it. Make me happy Rob Ryan. Whoops, typo, I meant Santa.