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Crootin' Etiquette

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With National Signing Day coming up, we're here to show you the proper fan etiquette during the recruiting process.

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Recently it has come to my attention that some folks' folks didn't teach y'all proper manners about how to follow the crootin' process. This is most unfortunate for you. Or it would be if you didn't have me to show you the ways of being a well adjusted crootin' fan. Without proper guidance, this process is horribly confusing to new fans. They don't know if they should tweet at a croot. They don't know if they should buy croots fancy gifts to sway them. They don't know if they should have a slumber party at the croot's house.

Fear not friends! I am here to show you the ways of being a well adjusted fan. Think of me as your cotillion instructor, except you don't have to use a napkin or dance with any girls. We shall start with some of the basic concepts, then work our way down to the advanced.

When should I tweet at recruits?

Well reader I'm so glad you asked! The answer can be easily explained by this tweet.

"But Brice, there's no numbers on the clock. What time is that exactly?" Astute observation reader! As you can see there are no numbers on the clock because there is no time in which you should tweet at recruits. If you look very carefully, you might be able to see that the clock says "No, I'm good thanks" in the middle. That is what you should say to yourself when you consider tweeting at a recruit.

Even if what you're saying is positive, never tweet at recruits. These are 16-18 year old kids. They don't need hundreds of people twice their age or more chatting them up about the biggest decision of their lives.

But can I follow recruits on twitter?

Definitely! Lots of recruits use twitter to announce major decisions during their recruiting process. There is a big difference between retweeting/liking their tweets and @ing them. Retweet and like their stuff to show your quiet support, that's more than ok. But when you start tweeting at them it can be overwhelming and really disturbing for them to get messages from hundreds, sometimes thousands of strangers on the internet. You don't know these kids, so don't tweet them like they're your best buddies. It's bad and you should feel bad.

You may not think your one tweet at that one recruit will affect him. And it will definitely get them to come to your school. And it is reeeeeeally important that they answer your question. I have some hard news for you buddy. Your one tweet is one of thousands and it will have some affect. Your one stupid tweet will not convince anyone to come to your school. You're not that important, I'm sorry. Your question is not that important, I promise you. If you don't remember anything else I write, remember this:

DO NOT TWEET AT RECRUITS!

Should I buy expensive presents for recruits to convince them to come to my school?

Excellent question, reader! The answer is no. This is basically the number one no no in the NCAA rulebook. You will get in trouble. Your school will get in trouble. Your recruit will get in trouble. Also it's creepy, don't do it. I earnestly hope none of you considered this as a real option.

Can I travel hundreds of miles to watch a recruit's game and bring a sign with a picture of their face that I took from a bush outside their school?

What? No reader, I'm starting to worry about you. Don't go travel far away to watch a recruit play, that's creepy. Unless they are your child or family or close personal friend, don't do that. Also you generally should avoid stalking recruits and taking pictures of them from bushes is also generally frowned upon.

There are a few things left that none of you asked me about, so I'm going to take this time to cover them. Do not crucify these kids if they decide to decommit or recommit or transfer somewhere else. Choosing a college is an incredibly stressful decision for anyone. Once you throw that extra monkey wrench of playing football in there it makes things that much more terrifying.

This is the toughest decision most of these kids have ever had to make, and they don't always get it right the first time. I know I didn't, that's why I transferred halfway through college and it was the best decision I ever made. Remember yourself back at their age, and then cut them some slack and shut your mouth.

When talkin' smack to rival fans about crootin, make sure to avoid accusing others of recruiting dirty or paying recruits. Its hackneyed and you're just going to come off looking bad. If teams have better crootin' classes then us and want to talk crap, tell them we'll beat you with 3 star recruits because we're that much better than you. Also, Texas fans will likely want to talk crap. To silence them, ask how well those five stars have panned out the last four years or so. Then remind them how they had three Heisman QBs in their backyard and they didn't recruit one of them because they put all their eggs in the Garret Gilbert basket. That will definitely shut them up.

Thank you for completing this course on proper etiquette, you all passed with a C. Please pick up your certificate of achievement at the receptionist desk. Tune in next time for more etiquette lessons with teacher Brice and remember,

DON'T TWEET AT 'CROOTS!