As everyone knows, Texas Tech's defense is much maligned. Here are some unique suggestions on how to make the Red Raider's defense better in 2016.
1. Dip Breiden Fehoko in a vat of radioactive goo, turning him into the Hulk
We need a force on the defensive line in order to stop the run. This proposal is simple. We find a vat of radioactive goo, and lower Breiden Fehoko into it on a crane. After soaking him for precisely 12 minutes and 15 seconds, we drag him out of the goo as the Hulk. We spend the offseason teaching Fehoko how to harness his anger. Can you say second defensive Heisman?
2. Resurrect Pop Warner
What could be better for a maligned defense than one of the best coaches of all time? Pop Warner has surely been getting bored in the afterlife without coaching, and we could hand him a great project. The matter of resurrecting him would be simple, all we would have to do is send a kind, hand-written note back to Bill Snyder in order to secure his necromancy powers. Seriously, has anyone ever sent a note back to Bill Snyder? Someone write that man, he deserves it.
3. Hire everyone from Twitter to coach the team via live tweet hashtag
Seriously, who needs a coach when we have all of the geniuses on Twitter dot com? As anyone can see, we obviously just need to stack the box, unless they pass, in which case our Twitter users will use their collective telepathy to put us in a nickel package. Obviously we need to blitz every down, unless they run a screen, which we'll know automatically because of our superior intelligence. It's a little known fact, but Twitter created polls for this exact reason. Crazy, huh?
4. Recruit The Punisher as a MLB
Frank Castle definitely has some eligibility left. He went straight from high school to the USMC, so he still has all 4 years, right? Navy SEALS training doesn't count as eligibility, so we would be gold with Castle roaming the middle. How do you expect to run the football when your running back took a sawed-off shotgun blast to the chest in the middle of the first? How are you going to pass the ball when all your WRs are out due to judo chops to the neck by the start of the second?
5. Force the opposing team to watch a 24-hour marathon of "The Pursuit of Happyness" before the game
Not only will the opposition be so tired that they can barely think or move, Will Smith's masterful acting will leave all of them emotionally compromised. I give it 7 game minutes before the entirety of the offense is calling their parent bawling. You can't play without players.
6. Dissolve Jah'Shawn Johnson in Alpha Mimic blood so he can reset the day
If you're unfamiliar with the plot of The Edge Of Tomorrow, Tom Cruise relives the same day over and over again, except when he dies he retains the memories of the previous day. If we do this with Jah'Shawn Johnson, he'll know exactly where every single pass is going to go. We can't lose if we know exactly what the opposition is going to do. All we need to do is wait for the inevitable Mimic invasion of Earth, capture an Alpha live, and then dunk Johnson in its blood so he gains its powers. Simple!
7. Steal the talent of the Alabama Crimson Tide
If we can't recruit the talent, I vote that we should steal it. In the documentary Space Jam, it helped rejuvenate the career of Michael Jordan, not to mention Larry Bird, Patrick Ewing, and various others. The only caveat is that we would probably have to change our mascot from the Red Raiders to the Monstars, which honestly I am perfectly fine with.