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Texas Tech Learns Leonard Fournette Lactose Intolerant, Will Wear Sour Cream Fiber Infused Jerseys

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In an effort to make the December 29th bowl game a little bit easier, Texas Tech will attempt biological warfare to slow down Fournette

John Moore/Getty Images

Sources have alerted VTM to a startling development in the Advocare Texas Bowl: Leonard Fournette is Lactose Intolerant. How the Red Raiders have chosen to use this to their advantage is a source of controversy. Texas Tech will be using advanced technology to place thin microfiber strands of sour cream into their bowl game uniforms.

The Red Raiders are hoping that Fournette's skin will react negatively to the sour cream, causing him to break out and be unavailable for the rest of the game after the first drive. Texas Tech defenders will dogpile Fournette on every single play, regardless of whether he has the football or not, in order to try and take the LSU starting running back out of the picture. The Red Raiders might give up a couple of scores with this tactic, but since they were going to give up at least some points anyways, it's a sacrifice that they were willing to make.

We sent our own Drew Borsellino onto the field to see if the rumors were true, and he had this to say:

"When I first stepped onto the field, it was like I had stepped into a slaughterhouse specifically focused on cow's udders that hadn't been cleaned for a year. After profusely vomiting and huddling around the massive fly traps designed to keep all the bugs and maggots away, I reached out to several equipment managers. They unfortunately could not comment as they were too busy vomiting."

The jerseys have value beyond eliminating Fournette, as when the game drags on, the sweat from their bodies will begin to curdle the sour cream, giving off a pseudo radioactive stench. The Red Raiders have been reportedly practicing around no less than 21 oil derricks and 7 farms in order to train their noses to reject the toxic stench. As the game wears on, the Red Raiders will be increasingly difficult to tackle, as the sour cream and sweat combination will likely induce vomiting, hallucinations, and general chaos on the playing field. Wether this will level the playing field enough for the Red Raiders to get the win remains to be seen.