A DAY IN THE LIFE OF GUS JOHNSON

Editor's note: The following scenarios are completely fictional and definitely did not happen. At least we don't think they did.

6:00 AM

[Gus Johnson erupts out of bed, startling his wife awake. Johnson sprints to the bathroom to brush his teeth]

Johnson: *gargled speech* "Hemuph goesh fer da recowrd! Hemuph culd pesibly maek it!"

[Spits out toothpaste]

Johnson: "HE DID IT! WOW! HOW ABOUT THAT! 60 SECONDS FROM BED TO BRUSHING COMPLETION"

7:35 AM

[Skip Bayless pulls into the FS1 parking lot for his first day on the job}

[Bayless parks, looks in rearview mirror, begins to recite lines]

Bayless: "Alright, you got this"

[Stares intently into mirror]

Bayless: "I think it's tragic that Tim Tebow hasn't gotten another chance in the NFL. He's just a w-"

[Through The Fire And The Flames by Dragonforce can be heard faintly in the distance]

Bayless: "What the absolute hell is th-"

[Gus Johnson powerslides his car into his parking spot, his bloodshot-wired eyes wide open, headbanging to Dragonforce. Johnson opens his car door, and approximately 38 empty cans of Red Bull, Monster energy drinks, and Peace Green Tea tumble out]

[Johnson leaps to Bayless's passenger window]

Johnson: "WOW! FIRST ONE TO THE OFFICE! TRULY A TRANSCENDENT PERFORMANCE!"

Bayless: "Hello?"

[Gus Johnson sprints into FS1 offices]

10:07 AM

[Clay Travis sits in a dimly lit room with nothing but his laptop, Periscope equipment, and a whiteboard that says "PC BROS MURDERED ON TWITTER TODAY" with 7 tally marks on it]

Travis: "Oh man I am totally OWNING these tools on social media today. Just gotta get this last tweet off..."

[Gus Johnson appears over his shoulder]

Johnson: "WILL HE PRESS SEND?! I CAN'T TAKE THE ANTICIPATION!"

Travis: "Dude, not cool. This is the third time this week, you can't just barge in whereve-"

Johnson: "I THINK HE CAN!"

[Clay Travis looks quizzically at Gus Johnson, presses send]

[Gus Johnson backflips around room]

Johnson: "HE DID IT?! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! THIS. IS. MARCH. MADNESS!"

Travis: "Dude, it's August."

1:13 PM

[Gus Johnson is in the studio, calling a game of poker]

Johnson: "HE'S GOT THE STRAIGHT FLUSH! RAISE HIM BABY, RAISE HIM!"

[Poker player folds]

Johnson: "OH NO! WHAT AN ERROR!"

3:30 PM

[After a long day of coloring and staring at walls, Joe Buck takes his mid-afternoon Diet Pepsi and saltine cracker break]

[Gus Johnson rips down break room wall, kickflips into break room]

Johnson: "WHAT A SNACK FROM JOE BUCK!"

Buck: *stares at wall*

Johnson: "WHAT A BREAK TIME! I DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL EVER TOP THIS!"

Buck: *continues starting at wall*

[Gus Johnson boogie boards out of break room]

3:46 PM

Buck: "Hey Gus, would you mind keeping it down?"

[Joe Buck looks around room, shrugs, goes back to his arduous work day]

5:00 PM

[Gus Johnson is in the studio again, calling a rousing game of scrabble]

Johnson: "HOW DID HE GET ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM?! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING"

[Gus Johnson transforms into glowing ethereal personification of hype, begins levitating]

Johnson: "CAAAAAN YOOOOU BELIEEEVE IT!"

6:42 PM

[Gus Johnson quietly eats a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs]

6:43 PM

Johnson: "WHAT A MEAL! WHAT A NIGHT!"

9:47 PM

[Gus Johnson's wife is in bed, reading a murder mystery]

[Gus Johnson crashes through window]

Wife: "Why were you outside?"

Johnson: "THE BUTLER DID IT! IN THE BACKYARD! WITH A WRENCH! WHAT AN ENDING I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

Wife: "Were you reading my book from the window?"

[Gus Johnson dives into closet, emerges .325 seconds later in Charlie Brown pajamas, dives into bed]

Wife: (sighs) "Did you have a good day, baby?"

Johnson: (beaming smile) "Eh, it was alright."