Inspired by this:
SCENE: TEXAS TECH LOCKER ROOM
Coach Whitt walks in furiously
Players immediately snap to attention and salute, one player has his shirt on backwards
Coach Whitt bounds up to player
WHITT: YOU IMBECILE! DON'T YOU SEE YOUR SHIRT IS ON BACKWARDS?!
PLAYER ONE: I...I...I'm s-sorry coach, I didn't see.
WHITT: TAKE 20 LAPS AROUND CAMPUS
PLAYER ONE whimpers and scurries off
WHITT: (to PLAYER ONE): THAT'S FOR TIME, BUTTMUNCH! ANYTHING LESS THAN 12 HOURS AND YOU'RE CUT (to: ALL) What you children don't understand is how weak you are. How pathetically childish you are in your attempts to play the game of football. I will make you stronger. Right now, you all have little wussy balls. After my training, your little wussy balls might have some hair on them, or grow into little wussy prepubescent balls. IT'S TIME FOR TRAINING.
SCENE: CROSSFIT BOX RETROFITTED WITH NOTHING BUT SQUAT RACKS, DUMBELLS, AND BLOCKING SLEDS
WHITT: HERE ARE MY RULES GENTLEMEN: YOU MISS A REP, YOU RUN A MILE. YOU SCREW UP A LIFT, YOU RUN A MILE. YOU DON'T GIVE BEST EFFORT, AND THERE WILL BE NO "JOHN BROWN HINDPART"-KICKING. YOU'RE JUST CUT.
ALL PLAYERS begin doing some exercise that looks like a combination of Navy Seals BUDS and Ishmaeli Assassin training
PLAYER THREE crumbles to the ground after 30 minutes
PLAYER THREE: I can't do this coach, the weight is too much!
COACH WHITT lines up like he's kicking a field goal, kicks PLAYER THREE into the stratosphere. He wipes the blood off his shoe
COACH WHITT: ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THE WEIGHT IS TOO MUCH?
ALL PLAYERS resume workout furiously
PLAYER SIX: c-c-coach? I have to go to c-c-c-class
COACH WHITT: OH SO YOU ONE OF THEM LEARNIN' BOYS HUH? HOW ABOUT YOU LEARN HOW FAR YOU CAN RUN BEFORE YOU COLLAPSE OF HEAT EXHAUSTION! GO JOIN YOUR BUDDY, 20 LAPS AROUND CAMPUS!
PLAYER SIX begrudgingly jogs out of weight room
COACH WHITT: TASTE MY PAIN BITCH
COACH WHITT takes bite out of 25 lbs plate, washes it down with motor oil
COACH WHITT: (under breath) I love the smell of sweat and fear in the morning
SCENE: END OF SPRING BALL, COACH KINGSBURY'S OFFICE
ALL PLAYERS, COACH WHITT attempt to file into Kingsbury's office. They are so ripped that they have to turn sideways to get through the door
COACH KINGSBURY: what the hell
COACH WHITT: They're all primed for killin', Kliff. Send these boys out on defense and see what they can do
PLAYER ONE punches PLAYER FOUR, knocking him out cold. PLAYER ONE begins to urinate on PLAYER FOUR
COACH WHITT: I think we've got our starting MLB, Coach
COACH KINGSBURY looks around with admiration and a slight twinge of fear
COACH KINGSBURY: That'll do, Whitt. That'll do.
SCENE: FIRST PRESEASON GAME, SIDELINE
COACH KINGSBURY: Whitt, I'm going to have to let you go. The SFA QB's head is hanging on by a couple of veins, they want to call the game at half. They say it's too dangerous with the way you trained our players. Also our entire defense is foaming at the mouth. What the hell did you give them?
COACH WHITT: A little bit of rabies mixed with Red Bull and Alligator's blood.
COACH KINGSBURY: yeah you're done