Yesterday, WWE's Daniel Bryan retired and it was covered by everything from ESPN to the Los Angeles Times. Although everyone knows that pro-wrestling is scripted, the man was one of the most likable characters in WWE history because he was very genuine in everything he did. Heck, ESPN even had Bryan's retirement on the Breaking News ticker at the bottom of the screen. After all the wrestling talk across TV and the Internet last night, I got to thinking "Who would win a Texas Tech Royal Rumble match?".
For those of you who aren't familiar with what a Royal Rumble match is I'll explain it to you. It's a battle royal type of match meaning to win you have to throw opponents over the top rope. There are 30 participants in all with the match starting with 2 and then a new participant coming in every 90 seconds until all 30 have came out. This is an every man for himself type of match as well but sometimes participants will form needed alliances during the match.
So let's get started...
The lights go dim and entrance music begins to play for participant 1. "If you smell, what the Crab, is cooking", Michael Crabtree is the first participant in the Texas Tech Royal Rumble. Crabtree would be a perfect fit for "The Rock" persona. Both are charismatic and electrifying. The Crab makes his way to the ring to wait for the second participant to come to the ring to get the show under way.
"I think I'm cute, I know I'm sexy, I've got the looks that drive the girls wild", participant 2 is none other than Kliff Kingsbury himself. Let's face it, if there was ever a Shawn Michaels aka Heartbreak Kid persona associated with Texas Tech athletics it would be Kliff without a doubt.
Crabtree and Kliff get things started and the clock starts counting down every 90 seconds for new participants to enter the match. We see Texas Tech greats like Wes Welker, Dallas Braden, and Sheryl Swoopes even get in on the action. In every Royal Rumble you also have some fillers come in as well, in pro-wrestling a lot of the times these guys are "jobbers". A jobber is a wrestler who's sort of left out of the main storyline and doesn't really have any direction in their career. Some Texas Tech jobbers who would be in the match would be former backups and former coaches like Phil Knight, Tommy Tuberville, and the grad assistant Tuberville slapped (they'd instantly go at it when both are in the ring).
All in all we see 29 participants come in and after a little over an hour there are only 3 men left in the ring with 1 more participant left to come out.
The Final Four
The 3 men left in the ring are Crabtree, Kliff, and Louis Vasquez (Big Show persona). Crabtree and Kliff are exhausted since they have gone the distance, while Vasquez is pretty fresh coming in at number 27. While the 3 recoup and wait on the last participant, the clock counts down 3...2...1... and the lights go black.
A spotlight shines to the rafters, a man in all black with Sting black and white face paint descends to the middle of the ring. Everyone looks a bit confused, who is the masked man?
"BAH GOD, THAT'S MIKE LEACH"
Mike Leach is participant 30, the crowd is going crazy. It's about to get good with the final four ready to square off.
Crabtree, Kliff, and Leach immediately go after Vasquez since he towers over the three of them. Vasquez gets backed up to the ropes and the 3 start working on lifting his legs up. Somehow, Vasquez manages to grab Crabtree's head with one hand and Kliff's with the other and he slams them into each other. With Crabtree and Kliff knocked out on the mat, Vasquez starts working on Leach and vice versa. Leach manages to get Vazquez into the corner and lines him up for the Stinger Splash.
As Leach goes to dive on Vasquez, Vasquez catches him mid air and delivers a chokeslam. Vasquez picks up Leach full press style over his head and walks over to the ropes. Leach is eliminated by Vasquez throwing him outside. Right after he throws Leach out, Vasquez is eliminated by Crabtree and Kliff. The two managed to get up while Vasquez was tossing out Leach, Kliff grabbed the left leg and Crabtree grabbed the right to flip Vasquez over the top rope.
There are now two participants left, Crabtree and Kliff.
The two go at in the middle of the ring, with Crabtree ultimately getting the upper hand. Crabtree hits the "Rock Bottom" on Kliff and lines him up for the "People's Elbow". While Crabtree turns his back to run to the ropes, Kliff springs up and hits Crabtree with the "Sweet Chin Music". This sends Crabtree to the ropes and Kliff follows right behind to try to eliminate him.
The two start trading blows and trying to eliminate one another. Crabtree manages to get Kliff over the top rope but Kliff brings him with him. Crabtree hits the floor while Kliff's feet never hit the ground. Kliff manages to hang on to the top rope and is dangling just inches from the outside. Kliff Kingsbury is the winner of the Texas Tech Royal Rumble.