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The Big XII Needs To Add SMU If It Wants A Prayer Of Surviving

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Add SMU or face the consequences, Bowlsby.

David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

The Big XII is at an extreme crossroads as we speak. It's not exaggeration to say that if we don't expand, we will very literally die. As much as I love surfing (I've never surfed a day in my life) and the general beauty of PAC-12 country (I hear Oregon is kinda cool?), I would literally die among all those Prius driving, "Coexist" religion sticker having, dread sporting, pot smoking hippie liberals roll tide. This route may seem inevitable, but Bowlsby can right the ship by bringing in SMU.

Bringing in SMU would establish Big XII dominance over the DFW market once and for all

Everyone knows that Dallas is the epicenter of culture. If the Big XII is to survive, we have to corner the DFW market. We do have TCU there, but how can we trust a school that can't fill up it's stadium to corner a metroplex TV market? SMU is small too, but adding them would double our presence in a massive recruiting hotbed. It's simple math people, 1+1=2, and having more schools in a certain location can do nothing but help. Bringing SMU in would create a monopoly on the TV sets of old rich white guys.

They have a Big XII style football team

With Chad Morris having control over the football program, SMU looks like a Big XII team. If there's anything we need in this league, it's another team that throws the ball 158 times a game and whose defensive practices consist of seeing who can not think about penguins the longest. Morris is so Big XII that he's probably already written an emotional defense of his team when they inevitably get upset in a big bowl game. He also has a Texas drawl and has been described as "down to earth".

Their basketball team is like a poor man's Kansas

They crushed during the regular season only to fall to an underdog. Sounds pretty Kansas to me. They even have the same colors. More Kansas is never, ever, ever a bad thing. The only difference is that SMU fans don't have to constantly defend their college town, living in DFW kinda speaks for itself. Then again, so does living in Lawrence, but for the opposite reason.

Their actual schooling doesn't suck

Does it? I actually don't know. Are they smart? Are they not? Adding them would end this mystery once and for all. It would also probably improve the conference's average academic whatever. Do we need to improve our academics? What exactly is an academic whatever? Adding SMU would answer these important questions.

They have the George Bush Institute

They have this pretty neat library thing where you can go do all your research. I can only assume that the museum portion is full of pictures of George Bush doing things, and that sounds like a great second date place. Take that person you've been seeing to a museum of George Bush stuff and impress her with your impersonation of Dubya, then to a Big XII football game!

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They have that rivalry thing with TCU and it would be cool to have another rivalry in the conferece

They play for an iron skillet and that's extra dope. If you keep winning, you never have to pay for a skillet ever again! Although it would be a lot cooler if the loser had to cook the winner pancakes anytime the winner wanted, it's still a neat little deal that those two schools have.

Ponies are a cool mascot

Technically they're a mustang, I know, but you never hear that. It's always that "Pony Up" thing. They really should be the Ponies though. That way when they win games they can bump Ginuwine over the stadium speakers.

There are a lot of cool songs to play after you win a game. This song is in the top 7% of those songs. Imagine, if you will, SMU winning a game on a last-second hail mary. Pony starts playing. The camera cuts to Craig James and Eric Dickerson gettin' their schwerve on. THIS COULD BE A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS IF THEY WOULD CHANGE THEIR NAME TO THE PONIES.

Baylor wouldn't be the only school we can make Christian denominational jokes about

For too long the wackos in Waco have been actively persecuted by the rest of the Big XII making Baptist jokes. For too long the poor oppressed people in green have endured countless people asking them if they brought the jello casserole or the rotisserie chicken for the potluck dinner, or asking them exactly what the heck they do at weddings when music plays (I assume it's a bunch of frantic, scared faces awkwardly moving their hips). Now we can pseudo-slander make fun of another denomination of Christianity. This is beneficial on two fronts, Baylor will shut up about being the butt of every joke and the jokes we can make will double. In fact, I think it's religious discrimination to not poke fun at every denomination equally. I will do everything I can to fight this injustice.

They aren't Texas A&M

This is the most important criteria. I have it on good authority that this is the first thing Bowlsby checks when he gets a resume and application for admittance into the Big XII. There's a massive box that says "Are you Texas A&M? Make your mark if yes, sign your name if no". There's a rumor that in the meat of the application there's a coloring book to make sure that it is in fact not Texas A&M trying to pull a fast one on the ol' Bowls. If the coloring book comes back completely filled in with maroon with one page dedicated to "how totally and completely over Texas they are haha why would you ask did they ask about us DID THEY" then you know that it's Texas A&M applying and not Texas M&A. Those sneaky Ags.

We technically could force Craig James to come to Lubbock

I cannot think of anything more hilarious than watch Texas Tech fans hopped up on Coors Light and hatred unleashing a verbal barrage at Craig James. The tortillas would blot out the sun. It would be can't-miss TV. The rowdiness would spill into the streets. The blotting of the sun would cause all the plants to die, creating an actual desert where Lubbock was. Civilization would crumble and mob mentality would take over. Kliff would be proclaimed the warlord over the tribes, sending the sand warriors out of the Forsaken Land 5-7 times a year to play away games. Other than football, nothing comes in and nothing goes out. People would wonder how the Forsaken territory could sustain life. Kliff answers their questions with a wink and one simple word: "tempo".