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The Real Reasons Why Texas Tech Should/Shouldn't Allow Alcohol In The Jones

Breaking down the true debate in a recent campus issue

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It's an argument that has been raging for years.

It has many facets.

On one hand, insane financial possibilities. On the other, potentially dangerous conditions.

Should Jones AT&T Stadium serve alcohol?

I'll be honest, the idea has serious potential. It could potentially bolster many struggling athletic departments and schools. However, no one has really dove into the true issues surrounding this fiery debate. Until now.

The Arguments For:

1. We Could Hire A Small Army Of Butlers

I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I like my alcohol served to me by men in suits. The revenue that we pull in from serving alcohol would surely give us enough leeway in the budget to hire butlers. I think they would be a nice contrast to the usual vitriol of the student section to have butlers patrolling the stairwells taking orders for Coors Light or a savory Mojito. Also, if Steve Spurrier ever visits, we would have sideline service. Having some trouble figuring out the Texas Tech Air Raid? Ponder over an ice cold Shiner Bock! Is your name Geno Smith and you can't throw in the wind that everyone else who has ever come to Lubbock had to throw into? Cry about it over a Jack and Coke! All served by your Texas Tech butlers who are all named after French Kings. "Clovis! Top me off will you?" - Potentially you at a Texas Tech football game, soon.

2. It Would Create Great New Student Traditions, Like Shotgunning A Beer For Every Touchdown

Now the stupidest way to drink alcohol can be easily accessible for young people! Who doesn't like shotgunning a couple of cans of sweat mixed with horse tranquilizer with your bros 4 life? How else will everyone else in the stadium, and therefore the world, know how hard you really go? It has added health benefits too. As most of the alcohol served in cans is predominantly swamp water, we would actually be rehydrating our fans on those hot September afternoons. It would turn into the greatest tradition in sports. The number of incoming freshmen would totally compensate for the hospitalization of those with alcohol poisoning.

3. It Would Provide Precious Father-Son Moments

Ah, the celebrated first beer with your dad. It truly is an American rite of passage for young men. Why should we have to wait until that pesky age of 21 to have the celebratory drink of entrance into manhood? With the ability to get completely lost in the crowds during football games, what's to stop good ol' Pops slinging a Dos Equis into the hands of his 13 year old son? We can have completely illegal and adorable father-son bonding time all over the Jones. Now your son won't have his first beer with that 22 year old that never really left high school, he'll have it with you watching your alma mater play football.

4. We Could Make A Soundtrack For The Stadium Comprising Of Nothing But Hank Williams Jr. And Everyone Will Be Happy

If you are outside, drinking, and not listening to country music, you are wrong. There's no way around it. It's a scientific fact that the combination of light beer and extreme heat make country music sound like the harps of the Lord's angels. Hank Williams Jr. is the pinnacle of what is best described as "drinking out of a mason jar on your porch music". Anyone who objects to the the all-Hank playlist is obviously not enjoying the beer provided in the stadium, and will be redirected to your nearest "Booze Butler". If they do not order from the "Booze Butler", they will be escorted from the stadium. Because someone who does not enjoy Hank Williams Jr. and makes no effort to enjoy Hank Williams Jr. is not someone you want to be friends with.

The Arguments Against:

1. There Will Be Too Much Fun And I Hate Fun And Everything Fun

UGH. You know what is absolutely the worst? People enjoying themselves. Every time I see a smile I just fly into an uncontrollable anger. Do these people not understand that life is cruel and short? Anything enjoyable is fleeting. That's why I never enjoy things. They will eventually dissipate into thin air like my ex-girlfriend (CALL ME BACK CANDACE). Ultimately, everything revolves around me, and if i'm not happy, no one is happy. It's not like they paid the same amount to view this sporting event that I did. Oh they did? Well they still are annoying and suck.

2. It Would Create A Black Market For Booze Inside The Stadium

You know what they say: supply and demand. No doubt the Jones will have to charge a substantial amount for drinks. It probably won't be Jerryworld levels of robbery, but it'll be pretty close. Soon, people will be looking for cheaper ways to catch a buzz during the Red Raider's game. That's where the moonshiners come in. Wherever there is a demand, they will be there to supply, like permanently intoxicated superheroes. It won't be a long time before people are sneaking full distilleries into the bathrooms and supplying everyone with moonshine that turns Kliff Kingsbury into a leprechaun and yourself half-blind after 3 sips.

3. Everything Will Smell Like Butts

Most stadiums that cram multiple tens of thousands of people into a smallish space already run the risk of everything smelling like rotting banana peels anyways. With the amount of alcohol sold at the stadium, we could probably collect all the sweat from the student section, rebottle it, and sell it as Keystone Light. The stands already smell like burnt tires on gameday, no need to add a stench of what can only be described as 50% Taco Bell Poops and 50% hormones.

4. We Could Never Play "Wagon Wheel" Again, Because Unless It Is Played Continuously From That Point On We Would Have Riots On Our Hands.

I love Old Crow Medicine Show. I love Wagon Wheel. I do not love Wagon Wheel after the 82nd time i've heard it. In the same vein as the scientific link between heat, beer, and country music, there exists a scientific link between Wagon Wheel and people rewinding it and listening to it ad nauseam. I have been strongly considering writing a children's book titled "If You Let Drunk People Listen To Wagon Wheel, They Will Never Stop Requesting It Ever". It's totally not a stretch to say that Wagon Wheel is an American classic, and if we allow alcohol sales in our stadium then we will completely ruin one of the most perfect songs of all time.