As you all may remember, I made an appeal to the football gods for our kickers to play better. And would you look at that, about the only bright side of our team has been kicking. Clearly I have some pull with the refs upstairs, so I’m going to try it again.
Dear merciful One True Commissioners,
Despite our offerings of beer and tailgate food, our team is suffering mightily on the field. You granted us the quarterback to return us to glory, but made him out of glass. You allowed us to return veteran offensive linemen with NFL talent, but took away their memory of how to actually block.
If it pleases you, Masters of the Turf Monster, allow our team some level of respectability so that we can avoid throwing a chair into the television. The fans of the Red Raiders are good hardworking people, willing to suffer through morning kickoffs and Thursday night games to celebrate our team. We deserve a Saturday we will actually enjoy.
Remind our offensive coordinator that the vertical route tree exists, and please burn our current playbook with holy fire. Guide him with your hands so that the screen pass or swing pass is not the only play we have for 3rd and long.
Grant our defenders the ability to see what they hit, and the grip strength of a gorilla to wrap up and hold on for dear life. Fill their lungs with wind as our offense forces them to stay on the field an ungodly amount.
All of this we humbly ask as we watch America’s true past-time, amen.