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New Year’s Resolutions for internet commentors

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Everyone has New Year’s Resolutions they don’t intend to keep, I’ve made some for college football internet commentors.

Baylor v Texas Tech Photo by John Weast/Getty Images

This year has been one of the more forgettable years in recent memory. Internet commentors received no immunity from the L’s that came raining down upon the world in this awful year of 2016.

Lucky for us, this year is almost over. In the time people call “the new year” it is customary to take up resolutions, or bold changes to better your life that you have little to know determination to bring them to fruition.

Coming up with your own resolutions can be difficult, so out of the kindness of my heart I have decided to come up for some for you. If you can fulfill these resolutions consistently I know you will reach peak form and become the greatest internet commentor of all.

1 Make sure to comment “first” as the first comment on every article you read

This establishes your dominance as a commentor. Others will know this is your territory and won’t infringe by thinking they can intimidate you with an inferior internet connection. Also it requires basically no thought

2 Share your strongest political opinions on fun and light-hearted sports blogs

Despite what sports bloggers say, their comment section is the perfect place to share your hottest takes of political elections, amendments in the bill of rights, and other hot button political events. People will say they don’t want your comment, but don’t let that stop you.

Those losers who don’t believe what you do should be uncomfortably aware of your opinions. The less reason in your argument, the better!

3 Comment things that aren’t relevant to the article

Non-sequiturs are pretty cooky and a great way to show people you don’t know what’s going on. If someone writes an article about Texas Tech basketball, for instance, let them know you don’t know what’s going on by commenting “fire Kingsbury.”

As long as it’s about the same team there’s almost know way they won’t know that you don’t know what’s happening. This one is key.

4 Share long rants and try to start fights with the author in Facebook comments section

Every person who’s every written anything on the internet that gets shared on Facebook reads and responds to every comment. The longer the rant, the more insightful the author thinks you are. Just go to town on that bad boy.

5 Tweet your random thoughts @ blogs and sports teams

There’s nothing I love more than an out of nowhere tweet with some random fan’s random obvious thoughts about a sports contest. For an example tweet: “I don’t like it when we lose. We should try to score more points than the other team! @texastechathletics @vivathematadors”

This is a good tweet, do things like this all the time. It’s super neat. People love it quite a bit.

6 Do the same thing, but with emails directly to the author of an article

Every blogger on the internet reads every single email sent to them by a caring fan. The more obscure and random your train of thought in said email the better. Make sure you insinuate that if they said something you don’t like about a coach or player that they have personal beef with that person. It’s surely about a personal beef.

I hope this has been helpful for you. Make sure if you don’t like it to email me (bricepaterik@gmail.com) and yell about it directly. If you’d like an insult make sure to comment about how embarrassing it was when my parents had to build a basement just so I can live in it. Happy new years to everyone out there. May all your wildest resolutions come true.