clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN ON KLIFF KINGSBURY'S FIRST HOME GAMEDAY

New, comments

I've uncovered through various sources exactly what was supposed to happen from when Kliff Kingsbury first woke up on gameday up until he took the field. I would like to take this time to remind everyone of the date, and that in no way is this story a fabrication, satire, or a colossal joke. This is completely and totally 100% real, and anyone who says otherwise is a dirty liar.

We all know that the media circus surrounding Kliff's first gameday was insane. Everyone and their dog wanted a piece of the high profile new Texas Tech head coach, and he had to schedule his time perfectly in order to accommodate everyone and do everything he wanted to do as well. Therefore, this rare first draft (which is completely real, by the way) of his first gameday was scrapped in favor of a less PR nightmare inducing, fanfare having, and glamorous first entrance.

  • 5:30 AM: Kliff wakes up in an undisclosed location in Lubbock Texas. He kicks off his covers, which are made of game film from his days quarterbacking at Texas Tech, and goes to take a shower, high fiving a cardboard cutout of Tom Brady along the way.
  • 5:32 AM: Kliff sings in the shower to the tune of "A Boy Named Sue" by Johnny Cash while washing his perfect hair with shampoo made from Caribbean Pearl Extract.
  • 5:45 AM: With the shower and song long over, Kliff begins to work out. Abs only. Some might ask why he is working out after his shower, and the reason for that is because Kliff actually sweats Abercrombie and Fitch cologne, keeping him smelling great.
  • 6:15 AM: With his workout done, Kliff heads into his kitchen, where he whips up 8 PB&J sandwiches. No more, no less. Gotta get them carbs in for the big day.
  • 6:45 AM: After he has finally eaten all 8 sandwiches, he heads to his closet to get ready. He picks out his favorite sweatpants and long sleeve black Texas Tech shirt, then pauses. He heads to the back of his closet and opens a secret door. It's the door to his favorite room in his house: the sunglasses closet

  • 7:00 AM: After picking out the freshest shades for today, Kliff heads up to the Jones to start his day.
  • 7:20 AM - 12:20 PM: Rigorous film study.
  • 12:30 PM: Team arrives at field house for walkthroughs.
  • 12:45 PM: Team takes the field for the walkthrough. Drake is playing, but no one really knows where it's coming from. There are no speakers. It's just.... there.
  • 12:46 PM: Kliff takes field for walkthrough
  • 12:47-2:00 PM: Kliff works directly with the quarterbacks. A young freshman defensive lineman is confused on where he is exactly supposed to be. He heads up to Kliff to ask him where the defense is doing their walkthrough, as there don't seem to be any defensive players here. Kliff responds, "We have a defensive line? Wait oh yeah, they're over at the Lubbock High practice fields. Sorry kid, hope you can run fast."
  • 2:30 PM - 3:30 PM: After the players have eaten, Kliff watches film with the quarterbacks. Davis Webb meticulously takes notes, especially over the dougie battle portion of the various hip-hop dances that are on the film reel for today.

  • 4:00 PM: Team takes the Jones field for warm-ups. You can hear Drake in the distance, even though there is no Drake on the Jones AT&T Stadium warm-up playlist. Kliff zones out behind his Ray-Bans, thinking about screen passes and tempo. He sometimes lets out a clap.
  • 5:00 PM: The team heads back into the locker room to have a last minute team meeting to get pumped up before the 6:00 kickoff. No one can find Kliff, and the Drake songs have mysteriously disappeared.
  • 5:40 PM: A video screen slides down on one of the walls of the locker room. Confused, the coaches and players gather around it. Kliff appears on the screen, giving a pre-recorded pump up speech consisting entirely of Kanye West quotes.
  • 6:00 PM: The team takes the field while the band plays the fight song. Kliff is still nowhere to be found.
  • 6:02 PM: After the fight song ends, a voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Introducing new Texas Tech Football Head Coach Kliff Kingsbury".
  • 6:03 PM: The crowd goes silent. The floodlights flicker, then dim entirely. Seemingly tired of giving out light, the sun chooses this exact moment to set. The entire town of Lubbock is at a standstill
  • 6:03:15 PM: Suddenly, the beat from "Started From The Bottom" begins to play. the iconic beat piques the attention of the crowd. A slight rumbling is heard
  • 6:03:30 PM: A very clear mechanical whirring and clanking is heard. The field splits exactly at the Double T mark in the middle of the field, and a platform with something on it is being raised up. Started From The Bottom is still playing
  • 6:03:45 PM: It's Kliff, decked out in all white next to a white Lamborghini. The crowd goes wild. Many women and some men faint from the sight of sheer beauty. 16 white doves are released from the trunk of the Lambo. Kliff drives the Lamborghini onto the field, stopping to kick up turf pellets at the Oklahoma Sooners, today's opponent. Bob Stoops's visor spontaneously combusts.
  • 6:05 PM: Kickoff time.
  • 8:00 PM: With a comfortable 536 to -14 lead in the third quarter, Kliff hands the reins to a nearby grad assistant and retires for the day to relax. Started From The Bottom finally fades away.
  • 10:00 PM: Kliff falls asleep, his first win securely under his belt, and a brand new billion dollar contract certainly on the way.

There you have it Texas Tech fans, that's the whole transcript. While Kliff had a great first day in Raiderland, it's safe to say that if he had followed his original plan that it would have been that much better.