You’ve waited patiently all spring and summer for this moment: college football is back! Texas Tech has used the offseason to hone their strength and conditioning to prepare for a wild 2018 campaign. With Kingsbury understood to be on a hot seat, questions at quarterback, and a defense that is primed to keep climbing the ranks it makes sense to start this year with a notable opponent in form of theeeeeeeee...

OLE MISS LAND-SHARK-REBEL-BEARS (TBD, honestly)

Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

Rebels, bears, LANDsharks?! I get why they decided to make the change, but there has got to be something more Mississippi appropriate than a fish with a neck and laugh lines. Anything for the kids! Ole Miss is coming off of a 6-6 season that saw certain highs like beating in-state rival Mississippi State, but also certain lows like losing 66-3 to Alabama. Come on, it’s Alabama - there’s worse teams to get blown out by. Ole Miss’ offense will be lead by senior Hawaiian native Jordan Ta’amu, who last year went 115-of-173 for 1,682 yards and 11 touchdowns (he’s big into passing - so what). They also have an absolute icon in Oxford, MS: wide reciever D.K. Metcalf, pictured below.

On the defensive side you’re looking at a hot-and-cold unit. Overall defensive statistics put the rebels/bears/landsharks at 115 out of 129 last year. This doesn’t mean they’re trash but it does mean they have the potential - to be trash. Tech, for reference, gave up two more touchdowns than the rebels/bears/landsharks but faced over 100 more offensive plays than Ole Miss had. Numbers! Oh what? Yeah who cares about the numbers and crap, this is an ANTI preview... that means you get the important information that you need, not what they tell you that you need. Avoid the fake news.

WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DRINKING?

What’s a colloquial reference for the one that got away? A white buffalo; mirrored reference to the white whale in Moby Dick but you get the point. THIS is the White Buffalo Paloma: a sweet and bubbly tip of the hat to the flora of the Rio Grande valley. For a game like this, at the time of day it is, in the undoubtedly hot Houston weather - this is your saving drink. Here’s how you make it:

2 ounces tequila blanco

4 ounces fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice

3 ounces Topo Chico

2 lime wedges

Salt the rim of a glass, then add the tequila, grapefruit juice, and Topo Chico. Squeeze and add the lime wedges. Fill the glass with ice and stir. If you like your Paloma a touch sweeter, you can add a little simple syrup or superfine sugar. If you wanna get crazy - toss a jalapeño in there.

WHAT SHOULD YOU BE EATING?

One thing Mississippi just doesn’t do as well as Texas - is BBQ. In Houston, BBQ comes a plenty but after extensive research I decided to settle on one that reigns king for its unique beef rib and killer sides. You can find Pinkerton’s BBQ on Airline Dr. and to make obvious it’s relationship to NRG Stadium I’ve included a map:

Come on - 26 minutes at the MOST is absolutely worth it for some of the best BBQ that Houston has to offer. Not to say other spots don’t have their reigning qualities; but if you don’t try Pinkerton’s then you’re not being a good consumer. Look below for more motivation. Ready? Good, go earn that heart disease!

BEST THING ABOUT THE GAME

This is a great first week test. These two teams have a lot to prove coming off of their previous season, and starting off 2018 with a Big 12 - SEC match up offers a lot in the way of momentum. The rewards for Tech if they prevail against Ole Miss come from 1) beating an SEC team 2) getting a realistic look at the offensive and defensive sides of the ball before conference play aaaaaand 3).... what the first two weren’t good enough for you? Besides the obvious, Tech has 3 five star prospects coming to the game to watch that could prove huge for Kingsbury’s reputation as a recruiter - but we don’t wanna be too obvious like Ole Miss was. Wink wink.

FIVE REASONS TO DISLIKE OLE MISS

1. Most notably, most recently, most horrific.... this thing.

FIRST OF ALL... Land shark. It’s like saying an ocean pigeon. The thing has a neck - shark’s don’t have necks. They gave it laugh lines and a cheery demeanor - with the massive teeth accompanying it the demeanor is more “cheer because I’m going to eat you.” The worst part, THE WORST PART, of all of this - is that they originally held a student vote for a replacement mascot. The popular vote came in full support for (hold on to your butts)

Admiral freaking Ackbar. A real opportunity for democracy to shine and the university blew it. RIP Ackbar.

2. Ole Miss is in, if you didn’t know, Oxford. Not Oxford as in the premier English school - Oxford as in the town of 23,000 people in a state that ranks the lowest in education. The conundrum grows hundred-fold because it is understood that some Ole Miss attendees certainly like to see it the other way around.

3. This comment I found on the internet is both GOLD and terrible:

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“What is Ole Miss best known for? A race riot. Why? Because that’s the only time they showed any fight in the last 45 years.” - (alleged) Ole Miss alum.

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4. The 2009 Cotton Bowl Classic: Ole Miss fans will remember an underdog victory against a prolific Texas Tech Air Raid - and they won’t let you forget it before Saturday. Get over it rebels/bears/landsharks! This is a whole new season (9 years after the fact).

5. I still don’t know what a hotty toddy is. I know what a hot toddy is, but that apparently isn’t the same thing - and when you ask them what it is they just kinda hoop and holler, say a profane word and then say hotty toddy really loud.

.... how do you even respond to that? Am I suppose to ask it again? Smh.

AT THE END OF THE DAY

Football season is back! I understand that the outcome is crucially important for reasons from understanding our depth chart to job security - but the greater reality is COLLEGE FOOTBALL IS BACK (unlike Texas). Turn on and tune in Saturday at 11am, y’all! The haboob is coming!