The Anti-Preview: Texas Tech vs. Oklahoma

Our mascot: majestic. Their mascot: politically offsides.

By Jeramey Gillilan@JerameyDane Oct 25, 2017, 12:00pm CDT

Here we are again, at another mid-point of the week where we’re finally getting over last weekend’s low and looking forward to a possible month-long high. Texas Tech Red Raiders suffered the wrath of the corn last Saturday under a massive, looming Goodyear blimp that blocked out both the sun, and our hopes of hearing the victory bells (side-note: this contributor witnessed the Goodyear blimp floating back to its California base on his hike up Guadalupe Peak. Completely caught me off guard.)

There are a lot of questions re-emerging with the performance last weekend. No one from the coaching staff to the kickers seem to be spared from the criticisms of the fans as well as the sports pundits. As I mentioned last week, we have a daunting… daunting… task ahead of this weekend in Norman, OK. But to subvert that narrative entirely and help us focus on the good things about sports let’s get on to this week’s anti-preview feaaaaaaturing…….

OKLAHOMA WAGONEERS

OK, so we have to talk about the actual sport for a bit – but that’s alright, right? Oklahoma is one of those Big 12 representatives you wish didn’t have to be. From the giant nineteenth-century uber they roll around the field, to that fight-song that just gets way too old way too fast, Oklahoma plays bully to the rest of the conference teams who are still trying to get through puberty.

Leading off for the Oklahomies is commentator heartthrob, quarterback Baker Mayfield. To most Red Raider fans it tastes just about as good as spam, but not easily as avoidable. Per some sources, Mayfield may actually have a chance this year at the Heisman and their continual winning (minus one awesome ISU smack down) is keeping that whole “Oklahoma to the playoffs” fantasy alive. There are a few injuries around the OU depth chart but none seem to cause real concern/rejoice for either team in this match up.

WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DRINKING?

We call it cause for contaminated water, they call it a cocktail. Fracking Fluid. It’s a unique beer-cocktail created to pay homage to those chemicals that industries use to help extract that sweet, sweet nectar of the earth. It runs our combustion engines and ruins the livers of our Oklahoma neighbors. Here’s how you make it!

FRACKING FLUID

Some Rum

Some coffee liqueur

One imperial stout beer

You pour the rum and coffee liqueur into a shaker, add ice and then give it a ride it’ll never forget. After you strain it into a glass, top with the stout. There are measurements you can use but to be completely honest with you all, it sounds as bad as it probably tastes. So if this is what Oklahomans drink in order to blur the peripherals of what’s outside of their stadium – more power to them. You won’t find it in my house.

WHAT SHOULD YOU BE EATING?

This is quickly becoming my favorite section to provide to Raider nation. Last week, we were duped by the national pumpkin cheesecake day BUT WE HAVE SOME REDEMPTION. October 28^th, much like Baker Mayfield (see, this is still sporty), is a dual-threat day. It is national chocolate day. It is national wild foods day. Possibilities abound!

I will make the bold assumption that everyone out there understands what national chocolate day calls for. “Wild foods” may raise a few eyebrows. Simply, it means anything not raised on a farm. The Oklahoma travel website says that you can find wild American bison but you need a serious permit to hunt them. I’m curious if a beef-a-lo attacks you first… never mind. October 28^th pretty-much sets you up for a full meal before our night-game in Norman. Don’t let the day’s menu fool you though. Norman, OK, is not chocolate nor wild food: it is the pumpkin cheesecake of the United States.

WHAT SHOULD YOU BE WEARING?

Clothes, you donkey! But since the majority of you will be watching this from the comfort of your homes the dress-code varies wildly. If anyone is brave enough to travel to Norman for the game this weekend, you should pack heavy. As of writing this, the high is reported at 52. That’s during the day. The low is around 31. Still feel like going to Norman? Dang it. Fine, but bring a good jacket and a layer or two. Its flat in Oklahoma so you should know what that means. Wind. Wind means colder cold. You STILL want to go to Norman?! What manner of witch-craft…

(you, hopefully)

WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE GAME?

No matter how well or poorly the Red Raider’s season is going, the matchup with the Oklahoma traveled-without-permissions always offers a degree of uncertainty. The seat is heating up underneath Kingsbury’s tailored slacks, and Oklahoma may very well be overlooking TTU in preparation for their game with in-state rival, Oklahoma State.

The absolute best thing about this game? If Tech pulls out an underdog win like the game in 2012, we’re back on track for bowl-eligibility and a respectable season. Also we would shoot down, again, OU’s title hopes for sure! How neat. If Tech loses, however, then are we really surprised? At least we can turn the TV off when we want (that’ll show them!)

FIVE REASONS TO DISLIKE OKLAHOMA

1. It’s Oklahoma.

2. Baker Mayfield. (Editor’s note: We should extend this list to 100 reasons to dislike Oklahoma, and let Baker Mayfield and his antics be numbers one through 95, but that’s just my opinion)

3. Their mascot is both a criminal, and a cheater.

HISTORY LESSON: Sooners is the name given to settlers from the Southern United States who entered unassigned lands following the Indian Appropriations Act of 1889 before then President Grover Cleveland officially proclaimed them open. So they committed a political false start, and now they brag about it. Cool story, bro.

4. Last year they reported a yield of over 42 million bushels of corn. Again? More corn?

5. If you look up Oklahoma on Urban Dictionary, a HIGHLY REPUTABLE INFORMATION SOURCE, you get a hilarious number of definitions. Spoiler alert, none of them are good. I’ll let you scroll through them.

AT THE END OF THE DAY

When the dust settles from those dang wagons, we’ll be able to see whether Tech is a team that can respond or a team that crumples. Right now it’s incredibly easy to write this season off as the shadows of our past creep back up. The rest of the Big 12 teams on our schedule all seem to be getting more in-tune as the weeks go on. Unless Tech can start to look like we’ve played football before, we’re toast. Not the good toast either; more like toast that doesn’t fit all the way in your toaster so it’s mostly toast and a little warm bread. Tech comes out hot-to-trot but suffers from failing confidence and exhaustion in front of a rowdy OU crowd…. Texas Tech 21 , Oregon Trail B-Teamers 42.

WILDLY INACCURATE BUT HOPEFUL SCORELINE

Texas Tech comes out on FIRE from losing to the corn-state, and battles it with OU through four quarters. An increasingly flustered Baker Mayfield gets upset by his inability to shut down his biological father (TTU) in front of his adopted father (OU). On their last drive, Mayfield throws an interception to Justus Parker who sets up Tech deep in OU territory with :02 to go. Tech wins by a miraculous toe-punched field goal made by offensive lineman Paul Stawarz who surprised Kingsbury and company during kicking competitions at practice earlier in the week. Don’t doubt the power and accuracy of a toe-punch, it wins championships.