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The United States, Ranked

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Ranking the 50 states in the union for Independence Day...

Reinhold Matay-USA TODAY Sports

50. Oklahoma: For obvious reasons.

49. Illinois: Too crowded, cold, and probably all-around miserable.

48. New Jersey: Nasty beaches, anyone?

45 – 47. Rhode Island, Vermont, and Delaware: Interchangeable worthlessness.

44. South Dakota: Have literally nothing to say about South Dakota.

43. North Dakota: Better football than South Dakota.

42. Mississippi: Not as good as Alabama at football.

41. Alabama: Better than Mississippi at football.

40. Arkansas: Texas’ only neighbor where gambling isn’t legal and way too many mosquitos.

39. Maryland: Barely better than #45 – #47.

37 and 38. Wyoming and Idaho: What’s the difference?

36. Michigan: Gross.

35. Kansas: A poor man’s Nebraska.

34. Alaska: Barely counts as a state and it’s way too cold, but scenery is great.

32 and 33. Kentucky and West Virginia: Same thing

31. Indiana: A step up from Kentucky and West Virginia.

30. Montana: Probably has some good ranches. Whatever.

29. Wisconsin: A poor man’s Minnesota.

28. Connecticut: As worthless as the rest of New England but it's known as "The Constitution State".

27. New Hampshire: Awesome state motto, "Live Free or Die", but otherwise completely worthless.

26. Maine: As worthless as the rest of New England but with great lobster.

25. Georgia: Everything bad about Florida with far less upside.

24. Nevada: 99% worthless desert, 1% Las Vegas. That 1% goes a long way.

23. Iowa: Decent state. No real upside but no real downside.

22. Massachusetts: As worthless as the rest of New England but at least it has Boston.

21. Arizona: The epitome of mediocre.

20. Utah: The Great Salt Lake is pretty cool.

19. Missouri: A step above mediocrity.

18. Ohio: Hasn’t won a professional sports championship in fifty something years two weeks.

17. Nebraska: Cool name, and Omaha is underrated.

14 – 16. Virginia, North Carolina, and South Carolina: Pretty much the same, decent states.

13. Washington: A poor man’s Oregon. Seattle not quite as cool as Portland, a little colder than Oregon, etc.

12. Pennsylvania: Lots of history and entertainment.

11. California: Great vacation spot, but the cost of living is too high.

10. Colorado: An all-around solid state.

9. New Mexico: Underrated neighbor of Texas, great for skiing and getting away for a long weekend.

8. Louisiana: A tad muggy, but great architecture, history, culture, etc. Texas’ best neighbor

7. Tennessee: Perhaps the most underrated state in the union. Music history alone makes it top 10.

6. Minnesota: Grandfather is from here and I root for their pro sports teams, so realistically they shouldn’t be this high but whatever.

5. Oregon: Cool name, Portland is awesome, and lots of natural beauty.

4. New York: Only because of New York City.

3. Florida: Beaches everywhere, great orange juice, and a Waffle House on every block. What's not to like?

2. Hawaii: It’s as cool as it looks on TV and in the movies.

1. Texas: If you thought it was going to be anything else, shame on you.

Happy Independence Day, everyone. Even if you hate this list, please respect that I was able to list all 50 states without having to look any of them up to remember.

ALTERNATE RANKINGS

50. Oklahoma

2 - 49. Whatever

1. Texas

Seriously, be safe and enjoy the holiday.