Ahh, the Big XII Media Days. A time to learn absolutely nothing about football and learn exactly how many stupid questions there are in the world. Here’s what will totally happen at every single media appearance at Big XII Media Days, in order.
Someone will ask ol’ Bobby Boy what his plans are for Big XII Expansion. Bowlsby will deflect as much as possible and say something dumb about One True Champion. A thousand takes on expansion will be launched after Bowlsby says one word.
The entire room will ask him about Baylor. Patterson, very visibly sweating, will say nothing on subject, and ramble on about the 4-2-5 defense and not being injured.
Since basketball jokes are tired and old, everyone will ask Beaty what he plans to do about his quarterback situation, and whether Kansas will win. Beaty will deflect on the question of wins, and will give some half hearted answer on the QB situation.
Someone will ask about his style. Some in the crowd will giggle to themselves. Kliff will not.
People will ask him about his expectations. Like every new coach, Campbell will talk about how excited he is to be at Iowa State and talk about them winning the Big XII. Everyone will smile at how cute Campbell is talking about winning the Big XII. Campbell will have a monologue in his head about how Iowa State will be the surprise team in 2016.
Someone will ask about Mason Rudolph. Gundy will put on the Brandon Weeden face, giving the media the Thousand-Yard stare before walking off the set.
Walt Anderson (Coordinator of Officials)
Texas media will plague poor Mr. Anderson about the Oklahoma State-Texas game last year. Media from every other team will silently think to themselves, “Join the club, jackwagons”. @BigXIIRefs will go on a tweet spree. A Big XII ref will run in the room and throw an unnecessary roughness flag on the Texas Media. Chip Brown will report that the Big XII is getting all-new officials. The Big XII will use the same officials from last year.
Bill Hancock (CFP Executive Director)
The faint sound of a mocking “ONE TRUE CHAMPION” chant will permeate the set as the entire SEC chants it from Alabama.
Britton Baonwsky (CFP Foundation Executive Director)
The faint sound of “Run Through the Jungle” is heard. An announcer out of nowhere screams “BY GOD THAT’S GARY PATTERSON’S MUSIC! HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE”. Gary grabs the mic and begins demanding to know why TCU wasn’t admitted in 2014. He never gets the words out, as his sweat causes the mic to short circuit.
Steve Hatchell (NFF President & CEO)
No one shows up. A single tear races down Hatchell’s face. He looks up at the camera and mouths four words: “My Wife Left Me”.
Have you seen Inside Man? Remember at the beginning, when they blind the bank’s cameras with infrared light? A lamp shining off Strong’s head has the same effect on everyone in the room.
Holgorson parachutes into the set with two Red Bull girls. Every question’s answer is finished with, “none of this would be possible without the energizing refreshment that Red Bull brings me”. Rhys Millen drifts into the set, picking up Holgorson. As they peel out, they each give the media the bird. Holgorson parasails all the way back to Morgantown.
The entire nation looks on as the Baylor Board of Regents sits behind Jim Grobe with a pistol clearly in his back. Grobe nervously laughs, timidly answering every question with coaching cliches.
Snyder falls asleep on the set and sends every member of the media a personalized card apologizing for his rudeness and promises to send them all apple pies.
Stoops answers a couple of questions, none of which pertain to Joe Mixon. When someone finally does ask about Joe Mixon, Nick Saban and Dan Mullen, very clearly dressed as ninjas, throw a black back over the man’s head and drags him away. Stoops gives a little smile, saying, “Next Question?”