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Inside the Big 12 Meetings (satire)

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How the Big 12 meetings really (not really) went down...

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

At the Big 12 Meetings in Irving, TX…

Big 12 Commissioner, Bob Bowlsby: Let’s take a look at a Big 12 conference network…

Texas Athletic Director: Lol.

Bowlsby: The Big Ten and SEC both have conference networks that bring in a lot of revenue for each school in the conference.

Iowa State AD: Yes, go on…

Bowlsby: So does the Pac-12. It appears the top three conferences all have conference networks.

Oklahoma AD: I think I’m understanding what you’re getting at here, Bob…

Bowlsby: And the ACC is working on a conference network of their own.

Texas Tech Athletic Director, Kirby Hocutt (the voice of reason): Well then it sounds like to stay competitive, we need to form a Big 12 conference network as well.

Bowlsby: For that to happen, we need to get rid of or restructure the Longhorn Network.

Texas AD: Lol.

Bowlsby: So we should do the exact opposite of what’s objectively the right thing to do so that one university in the conference can prosper while the other nine fall behind?

Other Nine AD’s in unison: Yes, that’s pretty much how it goes around here.

Oklahoma State AD: Pac-16, anyone?

Kirby Hocutt*pulls out his phone and texts the Oklahoma State and Oklahoma AD’s* Meet me in the other room in five minutes. It has NOTHING to do with that Pac-16 comment three seconds ago. Don’t invite code name "Bevo".

~SCENE~

Big 12 Commissioner, Bob Bowlsby: Let’s discuss a conference championship game…

Kansas AD: Bob, we play a full round robin schedule.

Bowlsby: And?

West Virginia AD: We’ve been marketing how great it is that we decide the champion during the regular season.

Bowlsby: And?

Baylor AD: We've already kind of blown our chance at settling it in a winner-take-all type game since we weren't named outright champions after we beat TCU 61-58…

TCU AD: Yeah, we’ve heard.

Bowlsby: And?

Kansas State AD: It seems kind of dumb now to have a tiebreaker where teams face off head to head after they’ve already played head to head. Think about it. What if Oklahoma and Oklahoma State meet in Bedlam then the following week in the Big 12 Championship Game? And to have a conference championship game after we literally boasted about being the only conference without a championship game only adds to the absurdity.

Bowlsby: Let’s put it to a vote, majority rules.

*the vote is 5 to 4 in favor of a conference championship game, with one vote abstaining*

Bowlsby: It is decided. We’re having a conference championship game.

Kirby Hocutt*texts Oklahoma State and Oklahoma again* I’m in the meeting spot. Where the heck are you guys?

~SCENE~

Big 12 Commissioner, Bob Bowlsby: Let’s talk about splitting into divisions…

Kirby Hocutt: That seems silly since everyone will still play everyone.

Bowlsby: And?

West Virginia AD: Oh I have an idea! Let’s split up the schools by east and west, that way we won’t have to travel so far for division games.

Iowa State AD: We have nine western schools and one eastern school.

Bowlsby: And?

Texas AD: Can we air our division games on the Longhorn Network?

Kirby Hocutt: Why don’t you want anyone to watch your division games?

Kansas State AD: Guys, let’s just split into north and south. The six Texas and Oklahoma schools in the south division and the other four schools in the north division.

Bowlsby: Well that’s still not an even split of teams, but nothing else we’re doing here is making sense, so yeah let’s just do that.

Kirby Hocutt: So you’re going to put the six best teams in one division and the four worst in the other division?

Bowlsby: Yes.

Iowa State AD: As long as we get to play Kansas every year.

Kansas AD: My wife left me.

Kirby Hocutt: Y’all still aren’t getting it. It’s like "Whose Line Is It Anyway". The divisions are made up, and the teams don’t matter. Everyone still plays everyone every year.

Oklahoma AD: Then why do it?

Bowlsby: Because this is the Big 12.

~SCENE~

Big 12 Commissioner, Bob Bowlsby: Alright fellas, last topic of the day – Big 12 expansion.

Tommy Tuberville*sneaks out of a steakhouse meeting with a recruit, sneaks into the room* Cincy to the Big 12!

Kirby Hocutt: I like the sound of that...

West Virginia AD: Adding a school towards the east would give us a travel partner…

TCU AD: Adding a school from another market would expand the conference’s TV footprint…

Baylor AD: Remind me why we invited TCU in the first place...

Oklahoma State AD: Maybe adding two more schools would make this splitting into divisions and conference championship game stuff make a lot more sense…

Iowa State AD: More schools in the conference means more content for a potential conference network as well...

BYU AD*pounding on the soundproof glass surrounding the meeting room* LET US IN!

Bowlsby: So expansion would mean more revenue for the conference, divisions that make sense, a championship game that makes sense, added prestige, put the Big 12 on par with the other Power 5 conferences, could lead to a profitable conference network, and help us make more geographic sense as a conference?

Nine AD’s in unison (Texas abstains): YES!!!

Bowlsby: But what about the Longhorn Network?

Texas AD: Lol.

~SCENE~