Well, well, well, Bears. In the words of the immortal Johnny Cash, who is lounging on a beach in Bora Bora being definitely not dead, "What has been done in the dark will be brought to the light". We all knew that there was something sketchy going on with your winning ways that came out of nowhere and that thing going on has nothing to do with alleged Navy Seal Art Briles.
The vat of Baylor Gold has long been rumored to be true, but our investigative reporter who shall remain unnamed for physical safety has confirmed the existence of the Baylor Gold Vault.
You see? Photo. Proof.
The rumor that Baylor had a butt-ton of gold that they were using to pay recruits had its origins on the paid recruiting site's forums, the Dark Web, and Skooner's Bar and Billiards. These rumors were quickly found to be fact. No one knows who the first person to report the rumor was, or even how the rumor got out to the Internet in the first place. Our undercover reporter was tipped off to the reality of the rumor by LaQuan McGowan, who leaked the information after his second Gut Pack of the afternoon at Vitek's.
Now, you might be wondering what Baylor does with this gold. Besides the obvious (pay recruits), it is more or less confirmed that some of the Baptist Gold has been melted down to give their chrome helmets that gold shine. Literally stealing from Notre Dame. Do you have no shame, Bears? Blatantly stealing, first from Notre Dame, then the Jabbawockeez of America's Best Dance Crew fame?
As was mentioned before, it has been confirmed by multiple reports that Baylor used their gold to pay recruits. Our undercover interviewer interviewed a recruit on campus to tour the Baylor campus. Here's the transcript of the conversation:
VTM: Did Baylor pay you from their secret stash of Baptist Gold to get you to come on this recruiting trip?
RECRUIT: what the hell are you talking about
AHA! THERE YOU HAVE IT! Classic deflection. It's blatantly obvious that Baylor paid this recruit as well as coached him to keep his mouth shut. It has all the evidence of a cover-up. The fact that we couldn't get solid confirmation from this unnamed recruit confirms Baylor's transgressions in of themselves.
I mean people joke and lie on the Internet all the time, but why did you have to prove the online rumors right, Baylor? Now everything is thrown into question. Is Pac really dead? Is Ted Cruz actually the Zodiac Killer? Did Craig James kill those 5 hookers while at SMU? These questions only lead us to more questions. Specifically, how did Baylor accure this much gold?
Well friends, the answer is simple: Art Briles is actually King Midas. How else do you think that Baylor got good so fast? Everything Art Briles touches turns to gold. Look at their offense. Look at all of that swag. Look at all of these recruits. Everything Art Briles touches turns to gold, even the gold. It just gets double the amount of karats.
So where do we go from here? Do we shut down Baylor as a whole? Do we send them to the SEC, where paying recruits to go to your school is a common occurrence? No one really knows what to do. The only thing we can do is report the facts, and hope that the right actions are taken.
Just remember this one thing, Baylor: