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3 AM Thoughts Has Some Soccer Questions

I have clinical Insomnia, which means I barely ever sleep. Sometimes my mind goes to weird places. These are those weird places.

Matt Cardy/Getty Images

I have many questions about the events described in this tweet.

12/6/15 - Who were you calling? What was the purpose? Was the game that boring, or was the phone call that important? Did you score while on the phone? Was your girlfriend about to dump you, or were you dumping her because you realized how cool you were?

12/13/15 - After you ran into the goal with the ball in your shirt, did you tell them that "I didn't know I couldn't do that?" What was the motivation for that move? Was it before or after you did the bow and arrow celebration? Are your shins made of steel or were you just that confident no one would slidetackle you for making fun of them?

12/17/15 - Were you attempting to make a complex political statement on the removing of shirts in bigger leagues? Was it abnormally hot outside? Did y'all's team do that dorky soccer jersey thing where they have collars and are essentially the normal workday outfits of corporations? Did you wear the cowboy hat without the shirt? Were you shirtless while trying to sit on the other team's bench?

1/3/16 - How long did it take them to notice you changed jerseys? Did they count all the goals after the third one? How did you not get a red card before then?

1/10/16 - Did they get to you, or were you suspended from this game so you technically couldn't break any rules?

1/17/16 - How is eating a banana on the field breaking the rules? Was the banana about to go bad? Did you throw the peel at other player trying to make them slip on it Mario Kart style? Why a banana, and not a fruit that's easier to eat on the go, like an apple?

1/32/16 - Do you actually like Natty Light or was it just a hipster irony thing? Was the soccer ball baby a boy or a girl? Did you give it up for adoption? How did you alter the scoreboard? Like did you take points away from the other team or something else tame or did you spell out BOOBIES like you would on a calculator?

The world needs these questions answered. Please answer them.

- Hunter