Thanksgiving Foods, Ranked

For Independence Day, we ranked the United States of America and got a lot of great feedback from folks in Texas and a lot of hate e-mails from our less fortunate friends in the other 49 states. Now that it’s Thanksgiving, it’s time to rank the food we’ll be eating all weekend.

UNRANKED. Anything Vegetarian or Vegan: Come on. What’s the point? Our ancestors would be ashamed.

10. Pumpkin Pie: Pumpkin flavored anything is awful. I even tried a pumpkin flavored beer one fall and hated it. Beer is hard to mess up. But pumpkin is capable of even that. Gross.

9. Green Bean Casserole: I’m not a fan of veggies to begin with, especially with a bunch of meat and dessert available in the Thanksgiving buffet line. I’ll take a spoonful to be polite but I’m not going to enjoy it.

8. The Cranberries: The band, not the food. Don’t let the bad taste of pumpkin pie - puts on sunglasses - linger...

7. Stuffing: This is forced to be middle of the pack for me because there are so many different recipes for stuffing. Just google “Thanksgiving stuffing recipe” and you’ll find articles that list 20, 30, 40+ recipes for it. Without knowing if you’re getting the best version or a disgusting version, how can you rank it any more definitively?

6. Potatoes: Whether they be of the mashed, sweet, or baked variety, the potato is a delicious staple for any meal, especially at Thanksgiving. I feel about potatoes how Bubba feels about shrimp.

5. Macaroni & Cheese: Maybe this isn’t a traditional Thanksgiving food item, but I request it every year and enjoy it every year. Maybe I have the diet of a 12-year-old. Too happy stuffing my face with mac & cheese to care.

4. Rolls: Simple but oh so effective. Butter up a good piece of bread and 30 minutes later you’re wondering if you’re on number 13 or 14 or if you just honestly don’t care anymore. Grandpa wake up and pass me another roll. “Back in ‘Nam we didn’t even have rolls…” Awesome grandpa go back to sleep.

3. Pecan Pie: You know how everyone has a crazy uncle at Thanksgiving? That’s the aforementioned pumpkin pie. Pecan pie is the more successful, well-liked, financially stable member of the pie family.

2. Turkey: I’m a traditional kind of guy. But I’m sorry, turkey is not the best Thanksgiving food. It’s great. I will eat a lot of it. But just because it’s been the face of Thanksgiving for hundreds of years doesn’t mean we should abandon all rationality and claim it’s as good as ham.

1. Ham: The champion! The “Hampion,” if you will. Honey glazed? Yes, please. Another slice? Yes sir, thank you sir, please sir may I have another? The best part about ham at Thanksgiving? The 45 ham sandwiches you eat during the course of the rest of the weekend off. Ham sandwich for dinner after Thanksgiving lunch while watching football. Ham sandwich for a late night snack while watching football. Ham for breakfast. Ham sandwich for lunch on Friday while watching football. Ham sandwich for dinner on Friday while watching Texas Tech and Baylor. Ham sandwich for late night snack on Friday. Ham sandwich for Saturday breakfast while watching College Gameday. Ham sandwich for lunch on Saturday while watching football. Ham sandwich for dinner while watching more football on Saturday night. Late night snack ham sandwich. Go to bed, wake up for the NFL games on Sunday, eat like five more ham sandwiches. Go back to work on Monday, pack a couple ham sandwiches for lunch.

That’s Thanksgiving, America. Turn on the TV, watch some football, hog the ham, grab a (non-pumpkin flavored) beer, and judge your distant family members for being weird. I love this holiday.