clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

An Open Letter to Hollywood

Why are our efforts being ignored?

You're so cold
You're so cold
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Hollywood,

Like Facebook, you are a necessary evil. We love to hate you, but hate to admit we need you. We need you for validation. We need you for entertainment. But most of all we need you to help us get the attention of a few of your residents.

While we found it rather easy to secure interviews with David Ubben and Hanz the bell ringer, landing an interview with an A-List Hollywood celebrity has been rather difficult. For every ball or Pierre the Pelican that graciously sat down with us, there's an uptight publicist for Aziz Ansari or Jonah Hill that don't even bother to look deep into our resumes before letting us know their star isn't available.

We bring our best to you, Hollywood. In each request we show you how qualified we are. We let you know:

  • We created the best wikipedia page ever and promptly got banned from Wiki by two guys named MrScorch6200 and CutOffTies.
  • We became friends with ESPN's Stuart Scott after being extremely critical of him in a column.
  • USA Today and Fox Sports proudly steal our material regularly, but ESPN gives us proper credit.
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger won't stop sending us emails encouraging begging us to go see his movie.
  • Aziz Ansari's agent turned us down.
  • We invented the photo bomb and a mustard spreader.
  • SNL Staffing is following us on Twitter. We thought it was Saturday Night Live Staffing but it's a San Antonio Employment Agency. They're still following us though.

Yet still, nothing. Nothing from representatives for Zach Galifianakis, Javier Bardem, Mike Judge, Danny McBride or even freakin' Kevin Dillon. Seriously Johnny Drama? You don't have five minutes?

So then we tried to get your attention from the inside. We joined the site IMDb in hopes that you would see us. We listed our skills and work credits. We're not sure who wouldn't want a writer with a southern accent that can play the trombone and has film credits that include "Wake Up With Waffles," but apparently you don't because we haven't heard from you.


For a brief moment we thought maybe it had worked when we got a reply from Sylvester Stallone's representatives, so we got cocky and went straight to Twitter.

But you're a cold mistress, Hollywood. You tease us with a reply that our Rocky Balboa Can't Whisper story is appreciated, but then break our hearts a few sentences later letting us know that even the great Sly doesn't have time for us.


We've tried everything, Hollywood. Hell, we even dropped a dope Jay-Z beat in the middle of this story for no reason whatsoever, just like all the songs on the radio today. If that doesn't prove how cool we are then we don't know what will.

So keep ignoring us if you like, Hollywood, but we'll never give up. You'll never break our spirit. And years from now, when we publish our exclusive interview with Pauly Shore, we know you'll be sorry.


SARR and Seth