Since we have a few new posters and visitors to VTM we wanted to give a rundown of what to expect (and more importantly, what is expected of you) when the first GDT goes up Friday night.
Weird trick #1
You must hide behind your couch on 3rd downs (and potentially other big plays during the game). This is very important and is critical to our success. It also sometimes helps to hook jumper cables up to a stuffed monkey.
Also, if you discover something random that you do during the game, such as make your future father in law sit on the floor with one leg on the coffee table, or stand in the garage for 2 hours without drinking a beer, or leaving the Cotton Bowl to stand in the parking lot, you must do it. If it helps the team win, you gotta do it.
My peak sickness moment - the 2008 Cotton Bowl
Austin, TX, who used to post here and I still keep in touch with, stood outside a gas station last year in the rain because VTMers demanded it. Her sacrifice paid off and we won the game. That's the kind of dedication that will be expected this year, especially from some of the younger guys. You aren't as prone to catch pneumonia as some of us so you might have to dive into an icy cold swimming pool as we get into November.
SHE WENT TO GET SOME CAT FOOD OR SOMETHING AND TECH TOOK THE LEAD
Above all else, you have to do whatever it takes to ensure a win.
I kicked a friend (and former employee) out of my house in San Angelo AND MADE HIM WALK HOME when Tech came back to beat Kansas in 2004 after falling behind 30-5. He shoulda reported me to HR, but it was worth it.
Weird Trick #2
It's perfectly acceptable, and expected, to announce your self as the first poster on a new thread by simply typing "First!" This act really annoys some people, but it's important. The first poster deserves to be recognized for being first.
Weird Trick #3
If you're a kid or opposed to harsh language, don't go in the GDT. Reread some of the articles, or follow along on Twitter (where most stay civilized) but the GDT can get raucous, especially if a certain team isn't playing well. You'll see words, and combinations of words, and creatively creating new words that mean other words, that you probably won't be comfortable with. You're gonna see all kinds of stuff.
Why does an aggy lick his balls?
I'm not going to lie to you guys
Weird Trick #4
"That's what she said" is a phrase that will never get old. However, it is incumbent upon you to try and find creative ways to insert the phrase, and if you can combine it with the "first" phenomenon, you'll earn double points.
Weird Trick #5
And finally, if I ever disappear from a GDT, it's likely that I got lost in another GDT and spent a few hours talking to myself. If this happens, somebody come get me because I get bored and start posting pictures of ukuleles and stupid crap.
Weird Trick #6
And finally, this one weird trick will help you cut down on belly fat: Stop eating so much sausage.
So there you have it. Start stretching your fingers out today. Maybe have your family create some cue cards and see how quickly you can come up with a joke or GIF. You've got to keep a google tab opened, and I'll probably be rolling with my new favorite thing on earth, gizoogle.
Whatever you do though, its time to get your minds right Double T Nation. It's game week. Those players and coaches have worked their tails off to get ready for this game. It's time for us to step it up and make sure they win by making jokes about balls and teaching your kids ninja tricks because its good karma. Do what you gotta do Red Raiders.
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Or teaching them early the proper way to ride a motorcycle. Whatever, it's time.
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And yes, there is a secret test inserted in this post to see how right your minds are. First person with the correct answer wins $1.25 straight cash.