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The best story ever written about a man on a plane

The best stories contain elements that grab your attention, rip out your heart and stomp on it, then gently try to put it back in your chest cavity before you die. I'm on a quest to find stories that do just that.

What does this button do?
What does this button do?

This one was easy.  It's about a Turkish bodybuilder named Volkan T.

That's all you need to know.  This is the best story ever about a man on a plane by himself. It reminds me of that old German/Turkish joke:

Me: Hey Volkan T., I'm throwing a party this weekend on a German plane.  There's gonna be some weed and some ecstasy. We'll do some dancing on the wing and push some buttons in the cockpit.  Hell, who knows, we might even take off our pants and spray some fire extinguishers.  How does that sound?  You in?

Volkan: Sounds fun.  Who's gonna be there?

Me: Just you.

Let's break this story down:

On the night of July 25, a 24-year-old man clutching a bag full of marijuana and ecstasy pills managed with relative ease to get on board an empty government jet used frequently by Chancellor Angela Merkel, while it was parked at a closed military section of the Cologne airport.

OK, this story has my attention right off the bat.  A young guy, with drugs, jumped on a German government plane.  How did we get here?

On the night in question, Volkan T. reportedly had a row with his girlfriend. He is believed to have been high on drugs throughout the incident.

Oh, ok.  This makes much more sense now.  Volkan T. had a row with his girlfriend, so he did the only logical thing.  He snuck onto Angela Merkel's plane and partied, but I'm still not completely bought in.

It began when he drove from his home in Cologne to the airport and got past a guard post by saying he had been invited to a wedding reception being held in the nearby officers' quarters. He then climbed a barbed wire fence, walked across the tarmac, clambered onto the plane's left wing and got in through an open emergency exit.

I'm still struggling a bit to understand how we got here.  I've gotten in fights with women before but it's never led me to the airport in an attempt to sneak onto a plane.  This guy must be some sort of savant or bodybuilder. At what point do you say to yourself "Hey Volkan T, I know what we should do.  Let's go to the airport and try to sneak onto Angela Merkel's plane AND PARTY BALLS BY OURSELF"

I've been in a lot of party situations, but I've never gotten to that point.


Reports said he stripped down to his underpants, sprayed fire extinguisher foam around the elegant cream and beige interior, pushed buttons in the cockpit, released an inflatable emergency slide and danced on the wing of the Airbus 319.

I'm on board with all of this.  If I had a row with my girlfriend, and then drove to the airport, and snuck onto a plane, you're damn straight I'm taking my pants off and pushing buttons in the cockpit.  I'd be banging that shit like Will Ferrell drum scene in Step Brothers.


Then after banging the shit outta all the buttons I'm damn sure going out on the wing to dance. There's really no other choice.  You gotta go out on the wing and dance.

But our man Volkan T. didn't realize he made a critical mistake.  While he was banging away in the cockpit, he triggered an alarm.

While playing with the cockpit buttons, he inadvertently triggered an alarm that was logged by military personnel at 8:40 p.m. But the man wasn't arrested until 12:23 a.m.

Dangit.  He inadvertently triggered an alarm when he was banging away in the cockpit so he only had about 3 1/2 hours left to party.

At 9:54 p.m., the army heightened its alert level from three to one, its highest. The military police didn't arrive until 10:16 p.m., when the aircraft was surrounded but no one ventured inside. At 11:23 p.m., steps were rolled up to the aircraft and a police officer using a megaphone began urging the man to come out. He didn't.

Our man Volkan T is resisting!  You can't intimidate our man with a damn megaphone.  You better get some German Shepherds or something!

Oh crap.

Finally, at 12:16 a.m., dogs arrived to deal with the situation. Seven minutes later, Volkan T. was arrested, slightly injured from two bites to the leg.

He was found hiding behind a trailer with a drunk guy with a rope.

He has been detained in a secure psychiatric hospital ever since. Yes, the dogs bit him. Hard.


This is so frustrating.  A guy is just trying to party on an official government plane (WHICH WAS EMPTY BY THE WAY) and the ridiculously over aggressive Bundeswehr soldiers and private security guards had to go and ruin his party.  Those over-reactive Germans let their German Shepherds BITE OUR MAN VOLKAN T. ON THE LEG AND THEN THEY ARRESTED HIM.  IS THIS RUSSIA?  LET THE MAN PUSH SOME BUTTONS ON A GOVERNMENT PLANE GEEZ RELAX A LITTLE.

Here's to hoping common sense prevails and Volkan T. will be a free man again soon, walking around in his underwear and banging on cockpit instruments like nature intended.