:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/17944527/gyi0064389203.0.jpg)
It sounds totally unbelievable, I know. Who would start autographing baby's faces for straight cash?
Apparently, a hungry college student looking for a few bucks to get a calzone at One Guys would.
I first heard rumblings about this potential controversy last December. I received an anonymous email from Ruth Smith that shocked me.
He just walked into Applebee's and signed my baby's face. I didn't even know who he was at first but he said he knew Kliff Kingsbury so it was cool. He said PitBull wants Kliff to juggle babies so I relaxed a little. After he signed my baby's face he demanded five bucks. I didn't have any cash with me so he ate all of our pancakes and pickles. It was really strange. Then he made some balloon animals. It was just a bunch of long balloons but he kept saying they were snakes and he wanted me to pay him $20 for each one. I think he has issues.
And then Charles Barkley emailed me about the situation:
Man, that's turrible.
Then, soon after that, I received another email from a person that wishes to remain anonymous. Lauren Rackley said they were just throwing their baby around in a hotel room when Brewer busted in and started autographing the baby's face and demanded money. They were terrified because all they wanted to do was throw their baby around the hotel room in peace.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p>This baby's face though <a href="http://t.co/kiySqLOZQI">pic.twitter.com/kiySqLOZQI</a></p>— Lauren Rackley ✌ (@LaurenJade96) <a href="https://twitter.com/LaurenJade96/statuses/346733842951979008">June 17, 2013</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
I was starting to get concerned because Brewer is supposed to be our next superstar QB and if he's out messing around signing baby's faces all the time then things could really be in jeopardy.
Several weeks passed and I started to feel a little better because I thought maybe Brewer was getting some rehab. But then I got an anonymous email from Misty Rose. She said her baby was just minding her own business, sitting on a big ass dog when this man in a blue jersey and football helmet busted in and started signing her baby's face. She said she was really alarmed and the big dog was worthless and the guy in the blue jersey said that would cost ten bucks. She said she didn't have any cash so HE RODE OUT OF THE HOUSE ON THE DOG AND KEPT THE DOG.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p>Look at the smile on the baby's face! <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23CLASSIC&src=hash">#CLASSIC</a> <a href="http://t.co/Nloe2iVxsn">pic.twitter.com/Nloe2iVxsn</a></p>— Misty Rose♥ #NFB (@nascarlover2u) <a href="https://twitter.com/nascarlover2u/statuses/317780470928666624">March 29, 2013</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
This was a terrifying story, but the last paragraph of her email was even more haunting:
As he rode away he was slapping the dog's ass like a jockey. It was humiliating. Where did he get that whip? The dog was struggling to even walk but that crazy bastard was acting like he just won the Kentucky Derby. It was like a slow-motion donkey race in some random town in Mexico. He kept whipping the dog and leaning forward and the dog was just trying to walk.
This is bad news man. We have a future Heisman winning superstar quarterback that can't control himself. He can't stop autographing baby's faces and he carries a whip and he likes to ride dogs like a race horse. What are we gonna do?
I closed out that email account because I was tired of getting anonymous emails from moms.
We made it to August and I thought things were going to blow over, but then we had the media blackout this week and I knew something bad was about to hit the fan. So I sent this tweet tonight to all the people in the know, hoping they would shoot me down and start a Twitter war and prove that I was an idiot.
But they didn't do it.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/RedRaiderNation">@RedRaiderNation</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/RyanHyattMedia">@ryanhyattmedia</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/Bdunc57KAMCTV">@bdunc57kamctv</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/LW247">@lw247</a> Can you confirm the rumor that Brewer was suspended for autographing baby's faces?</p>— SARR (@FakeWillyT) <a href="https://twitter.com/FakeWillyT/statuses/368208649014894595">August 16, 2013</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
Not one of those dude's even favorited my tweet, or forwarded my tweet out to their followers to prove how stupid I am. That's the rule in today's world. If somebody says something stupid, you have to make them look like an idiot immediately and NOT ONE TWITTER PERSON DID THAT. That says it all.
This is solid proof that we have a big problem. Our quarterback likes to sign baby's faces for cash, and I don't think the NCAA will approve of that. In fact, the NCAA is gonna be really pissed because they've never dealt with this before, especially if it interferes with their E-Bay profits. Because the NCAA gets paid.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p>Getting paid under the table will result in the forfeiture of your awards. Incidentally, we currently have a Heisman Trophy on E-Bay.</p>— NCAA Rules (@NCAARules) <a href="https://twitter.com/NCAARules/statuses/10094171343814656">December 1, 2010</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
The good news is though I can confirm he didn't try to sign that baby panda's face in the picture someone sent me. I asked him personally and here was his response:
That's weird bro. Get away from me.
He also explicitly let me know that he has no interest in signing Padraig Harrington's face or his wife's face but he said he would sign the crap outta their kid's faces.
And then to bring this unbelievable story full circle, Paddy weighed in on the controversy:
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p>I had me a girl like cigarette smoke she came and she went <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23SeniorYear&src=hash">#SeniorYear</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23StanfordHall&src=hash">#StanfordHall</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23SingleReady2Mingle&src=hash">#SingleReady2Mingle</a></p>— Padraig Harrington (@Boston_Homah) <a href="https://twitter.com/Boston_Homah/statuses/368220097942257664">August 16, 2013</a></blockquote>
<script async src="//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
So there you have it Double T Nation. It's all there in black and white. Our future Heisman winning quarterback has a baby face signing problem but at least he thinks signing a baby panda's face is weird, and he would never sign Padraig Harrington's face.
And Paddy had a girl like cigarette smoke. And man that's turrible.
We're in big time trouble.
#SingleReady2Mingle