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THE BIG 12 IS EVERYTHING YOU THINK IT IS

The Big 12 as Game of Thrones? The Twilight Saga? My Little Pony? No way. I like to think of the Big 12 as a wild safari highway in South Africa.

Jerome Miron-US PRESSWIRE

Earlier today our friends over at Frogs 'O War posted a magically hypnotizing story entitled IF BIG 12 MEMBER INSTITUTIONS WERE MY LITTLE PONY CHARACTERS. In it, they pointed out that everybody uses the "make your teams into characters" angle during the off-season to pass the time. Hell, we even made a half-ass attempt with Seinfeld characters in the mailbag a few weeks ago.

So, I thought I'd give it another shot. Imagine this in your mind right now:

Texas Tech is an impala.

UT is a hungry cheetah.

TCU is a little white Datsun pickup with a little white trailer filled with cash and weed.

Oklahoma is also a hungry cheetah.

Bill Snyder is a South African TV announcer.

Charlie Weis is a silver SUV.

Baylor is a man standing in the window of the Charlie Weis SUV.

Oklahoma St. isn't there because screw them.

Iowa St. is filming it all from their pig truck/part time prom limo.

David Ubben is squealing and giggling in the back of the ISU pig truck/part time prom limo.

West Virginia is something. I don't know, I ran out of characters.

The season would play out like this:

Texas Tech would jump in that Weis SUV and yell DRIVE BITCH DRIVE


And with that perfect metaphor, let us agree to never again try to cleverly turn our schools into TV shows or jungle animals.