Chopped: The College Football Episode

Hello, I'm Ted Allen and welcome to this special episode of "Chopped" featuring college football celebrities. In tonight's episode we'll have a showdown between new Texas Tech head coach Kliff Kingsbury, Cincinnati head coach Tommy Tuberville, Washington St. head coach Mike Leach and former Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o.

First, let's meet our celebrity judges. Please welcome the host of "Restaurant Impossible" and a dude that wears only tight black shirts! British Judge Robert Irvine!

The host of The Rachel Ray Show! Celebrity Judge Rachel Ray!

And the star of Judge Judy! Real Judge Judy!

Welcome judges!

Now, let's get started with the appetizer round. Contestants, in your baskets you'll find tonight's ingredients which are: Licorice. Calf Fries. Beans. And more Beans. You have 10 minutes to use all four ingredients and your time starts NOW!

-Fast forward-

Time's up contestants, lets see what you put together. Chef Tommy, let's start with you.

Chef Tommy: Judges, this morning I present you with grits.

British Judge Robert Irvine: Grits? How'd you make grits outta them ingredients?

Chef Tommy: I recruited Ray Lewis.

Thank you Chef Tommy. Ok, lets move on to Manti Te'o. Chef Manti?

Chef Manti: Judges, tonight I've prepared for you an appetizer of lobster bisque with a main course of butterflied pork chops with an apricot glaze on top of a bed of wild rice and mushrooms and finished it off with hand churned homemade raspberry ice cream.

British Judge Robert Irvine: How'd you make that outta them ingredients? Where's the food? I don't even have a plate.

Chef Manti: It's right there.

Irvine: Where?

Chef Manti: Right there.

Irvine: Where?

Chef Manti: Right there.

Irvine: Where?

Chef Manti: Right there.

Real Judge Judy: Getta outta here.

Chef Manti: Whatever. Ayeeee.

Chef Manti, you've been chopped. Ok, let's go next to new Tech coach Kliff Kingsbury. Chef Kliff?

Chef Kliff: Judges, tonight I've prepared for you some beans.

All judges: OMAGAWD YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME MORE OF THEM BEANS OMAGAWD THEM BEANS ARE SO GOOD OMAGAWD I WISH I COULD NAME A STAR AFTER THEM BEANS!!

Thank you Chef Kliff. Seems you've made quite an impression on our panel. Now let's see what Washington St. coach Mike Leach put together. Chef Leach?

Chef Leach: Judges, um tonight I took that licorice and uh combined it with some kangaroo DNA I keep in a vile in my pocket and blended it up to make some uh rocket fuel. Then I loaded up those cow balls with the rocket fuel and um shot them into space.

British Judge Robert Irvine: You shot them cow balls into space?

Chef Leach: yeah.

Thank you Chef Leach. Let's move on to the main course. We don't have to do the dramatic "Chopped" scene since Chef Manti didn't even cook and he has been chopped. Chefs, in your baskets you will find: Pot roast. Frozen waffles. Skittles. And beans. You'll have 30 minutes to use all four ingredients and your time starts NOW!

-Fast forward-

Time's up chefs. Let's see what you were able to create out of these rather simple ingredients starting with Chef Tommy. Chef Tommy?

Chef Tommy: Judges, this morning I present you with grits.

British Judge Robert Irvine: Grits? Again? How the hell'd you make grits outta them ingredients again?

Chef Tommy: When I was at Miami we were always winning those championships.

Celebrity Judge Rachel Ray: Get outta here.

Chef Tommy, I'm sorry but you've been chopped. Let's go next to Chef Kliff. Chef Kliff?

Chef Kliff: Tonight I've prepared for you some beans.

All Judges: IMA TAKE THEM BEANS TO POUND TOWN AND DO BAD THINGS TO THEM BEANS I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY SINCE OPRAH GAVE ME A CAR AND A DUST BUSTER OMAGAWD THEM BEANS MAKE ME WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON!!

Thank you Chef Kliff. And now, Chef Leach. Chef Leach?

Chef Leach: Judges, tonight, uh in lieu of preparing a main um course, I drew you a picture of uh Geronimo stabbing an um dragon with his sword that he uh took from Sir Lancelot.

British Judge Robert Irvine: Geronimo used to stab them dragons with his sword in front of all them flowers?

Chef Leach: yeah.

Thank you Chef Leach. Now, time for the dessert round. Chef Leach. Chef Kliff. The two of you have made it to the final round since Chef Tommy made grits again. In your baskets you'll find: Ice Cream. Cake. Beans. And blueberry muffins from The 50 Yard Line.

You'll have 20 minutes to create a delicious dessert using all four ingredients and your time starts NOW!

-Fast Forward-

Time's up chefs. Let's see how you did, starting with Chef Leach. Chef Leach?

Chef Leach: Judges, for dessert I taught myself swahili and I made some beans. Enjoy.

British Judge Robert Irvine: You made them beans for dessert? I can't believe that. Dessert?

Chef Leach: yeah.

Thank you Chef Leach. Ok now let's see what kind of concoction Chef Kliff was able to put together. Chef Kliff?

Chef Kliff: Judges, for dessert I made some beans.

All Judges: HOLY MOTHER OF THINGS I FEEL LIKE BUYING A PLASTIC SWIMMING POOL SO I CAN FILL IT UP WITH THEM BEANS AND TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF AND DO HOOD RAT THINGS WITH THEM BEANS AND PUTTING IT ON YOUTUBE SO WHEN WE START THE BEAN CHURCH WE'LL HAVE PROOF OF THE DAY ALL OF OUR LIVES WERE CHANGED AND THE BOOKS WILL BE FILLED WITH SONGS ABOUT THEM BEANS AND WE'LL BURN THAT LITTLE PLASTIC SWIMMING POOL AND THEN WE'LL DANCE AROUND THE TOXIC BURNING PLASTIC GLORIFYING WEIRDNESS LIKE THAT WEIRD SKINNY KID I SAW ON AMERICAN IDOL LAST NIGHT I'M ONLY A LITTLE SAD BECAUSE I CAN'T LEGALLY MARRY THEM BEANS YET.

Wow. Once again, quite the impression. Thank you Chef Kliff.

Judges, you now have a decision to make. Who's it gonna be. Chef Leach? Or Chef Kliff? Have you made your decision?

All Judges: Yes we have Ted.

-fast forward-

Tonight's winner will receive a check for $10,000 and the loser will receive nothing. The judges have made their decision and Chef Tommy, you've been chopped.

Again.