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The Pig Bomb Underground

A terrible menace is coming. Hiding in your gated community or behind your desk is fruitless. Prepare now for the Pig Bomb because they are faster than cheetahs.

Pigs destroying things re-enacted.
Pigs destroying things re-enacted.

For the past few nights my dreams have been really intense. On Friday I dreamt that I was flying back from Vegas with Hank Williams Jr. on his private jet real early in the morning. It was me, Bocephus and a bunch of old ladies with their old lady smoker's laugh and lemme tell ya we had one hell of a white trash party on that flight back to San Antonio as the sun was coming up.

Then last night I dreamt that Benjamin Franklin was never born so Tommy McVay had to invent electricity and he also liked to sit naked in front of his window when he lived in Paris. Luckily he was also my best friend in the dream so he could tell me all kinds of stories about Leach wearing slippers and a robe at the office and Tommy and Kliff and all those times he's signed an autograph for people thinking he's George Seifert. He told me about how he's one of the fathers of this country and that Mack Brown still owes him $20 from the 2008 Tech/UT game hell yeah.


After Tommy dropped me off at my log cabin I woke up and it was the middle of the night and needless to say my mind was spinning. It was so awesome to hang out with Bocephus and Tommy and all those old chicks but there had to be some deeper meaning to all the randomness. So I got up early this morning to do some research on the meaning of dreams. After I shampooed the carpets and made all the chocolate milk and turned on the shows for the kids, I logged onto Google to get it all figured out. I couldn't find any explanation for tomato vodka shots with old ladies or the inadequacies of Ben Franklin, but I did stumble onto something really, really scary.

Wild pigs.

We've had some experience with wild pigs in the hills around our house, but they've never been anything more than a minor nuisance. You know they're here when they tear up your flower bed or maybe sometimes they eat your dog but it's never been anything to lose sleep over since it's all the circle of life anyway.

But the stories and the blogs and the posts I found on Google today made my blood run cold. The Pig Bomb is coming and we better get prepared.

I'd heard about the Pig Bomb before and I even watched the documentary a few years back, but never realized what a terrible epidemic this is turning into.

Don't just take my word for it though. Today I found hundreds of experts on different blogs dedicated to the Pig Bomb and in the interest of humanity and public service and saving lives I've condensed them here to pass along to all of you. There is a Pig Bomb Underground, and their voices deserve to be heard.

This one guy named HogDogs said this:

seen it on discovery and felt the info is pretty close to accurate IMHO most of the show is on you tube in short segments a little hog doggin as well as info on attacks etc.

I really have no idea what he's trying to say, but then he followed it up with something that really scared the crap outta me:

the pigs have the potential to grow to be 1500 lbs and run 70 mph faster than a cheetah.

Are you kidding me? Can you imagine packs of wild pigs running around, bigger than a Honda at 70 mph faster than a cheetah? We have no chance.

The more I read, the worse it got. HogDogs (apparently he's pretty big in the Pig Bomb Underground) said this:

Hell, I watched a 3 legged German shepherd run down a kid on a 10 speed bike back in junior high. Even non-feral adult pigs can run down humans and cheetahs.

And if you live in the city don't even start thinking you're safe, according to HardLuk:

I live next to a creek bottom and would like something to shoot at other than the squirrels. A friend has his business down by the inland bay river area and he had shot 5 pigs running faster than damn cheetahs out of his office window during early morning hours.

This poor country hard luck dude is defending his creek bottom against squirrels and his city buddy is fending off pigs faster than cheetahs by shooting them in the morning out of his office window like a damn rock star instead of getting his reports done. It's just like that song where the country boy wants to spit some Beech Nut in that dude's eye.

Then DoubleNaughtSpy posted about the chain saws on his pants for safety and he bravely gave the enemy a name but then the enemy scared the crap outta him:

It is all part of the fun of hog hunting. I do now wear chainsaw pants when going into a thicket after a hog. There is a huge boar on one of our places. I named him Osama bin Laden. Started into a plum thicket after OBL a month or so ago and suddenly felt naked with just my muzzleloader. Backed out and called it quits after I heard OBL whisper my name.

And it gets worse. You're not safe out there in your fancy gated communities either you nature lovin' tree huggin' 70 year old ladies. Marlin45Carbine had this to say (emphasis mine):

Heard the story of folks being charged while walking dogs or going to get the morning paper. Keep in mind we are dealing with nature lovin' tree huggers who moved to these places to be in nature and they need alot to be pushed to lettin me turn dogs loose in their gated communities. The fear of being run down by a hog that runs faster than a cheetah was too much. To hear a 70+ old lady describing the sound a hog makes as its sharpening its tusks is kinda funny but sad but mostly funny.

Damn. If our gated communities can't be sacred is nothing sacred anymore? Damn you pigs faster than cheetahs.

Finally, I went over to LinkedIn to conclude my research. I didn't find anything about the coming Pig Bomb and how freakin' crazy fast those huge pigs run, but I did find this interesting post in the official Texas Tech Group. This guy needs an attorney, but I bet someday soon he'll long for the days when this was his biggest problem:

I'm tired of coming home every day and having to shoot my neighbors chickens. I need a good attorney to settle a land dispute. It is almost comical. Work all day. Come in, eat dinner then go to the field and blast the chickens that escape from his POS coops.

The poor guy has no idea what's coming since he obviously (or hopefully) lives in the country. I'd be surprised if the pigs haven't already gotten him.

So the experts have spoken. The Pig Bomb is coming. Pigs are running faster than cheetahs now and guys are having to shoot giant Honda sized pigs from their office window instead of getting their damn reports done. Forget the fiscal cliff and the debt and all the talk about realignment and eating dinner and blasting chickens. The Pig Bomb is upon us but the underground is tirelessly working to be prepared.

Are you?