A Most Controversial Interview

In order to grow, any blog worth it's salt needs to start landing interviews with the heavy hitters and celebrities and rappers. VTM is no exception to that harsh reality. With that in mind I went out on my own and tried to secure a hard hitting yet poignant conversation with some mega star or Tech celebrity that I could post here (think Tom Cruise, Sheryl Swoopes, Meta World Peace, etc.).

I reached out to the three celebrities above via Twitter but didn't get any response. In fact, I think Meta might have a contract hit out on me with some shady music producers, but that's a story for another day. I did get a shout-out from one of the guys on 30 Rock and had a nice (yet brief) conversation with Chuck Woolery, but nothing of any real substance. I saw Bruce Bowen at Academy one day but didn't get a chance to ask him any questions about today's most pressing issues. I kept staring at him but he refused to make eye contact with me so I'm pretty sure the guy is rude anyway.

Kliff Kingsbury has been pretty busy I bet because he hasn't answered any of my emails. I sent him a PDF with a list of questions but he hasn't sent it back. I'm sure as soon as he has some free time he'll fill it out for me and I'll be able to share his answers to my 313 questions with all of you. Fingers crossed!

While not necessarily an "interview" I took a sweet picture of Randy Jackson on my TV and sent it to him to autograph so I'll post that here too as soon as it comes in. Last month one of my friends saw the guy from Yard Crashers at DisneyLand but he forgot to call me and put him on the phone with me which is really frustrating because c'mon guys, help me out over here. Sometimes it takes a village to get the interview and you guys need to call me and let me talk to the celebrities when you see 'em.

Last summer I saw Allen Iverson at the Hilton bar in Charlotte but he was pretty unresponsive and not very interested in pulling back the curtain to let me see what makes him tick. And when I posed that question, in those same words, I did get the sense that he is battling some inner demons. He told me to leave in a pretty interesting way.

My efforts were proving fruitless but then I remembered something that my grandma always told me. This was before email was invented so she couldn't forward me funny picture jokes every day but she did always call me to say that perfect is the enemy of good, and I never understood what she was talking about until now. I've spent so much time trying to land the perfect interview with Randy Jackson or Amarillo Slim or Katie Couric that I failed to see a pretty good opportunity right under my nose. That's right. I conducted an exclusive, controversial and hard hitting interview with my three year old son.

Of course everything that gets put on the internet is there forever (thanks a lot Justin Timberlake) so I had to be careful. In order to protect his identity and give him a shot at getting into college or getting a job or finding a wife someday I didn't use his real name. For the purposes of this interview I referred to him as "Dauber" because when he grows up I bet he's gonna look just like "Dauber".

Me: Ok Dauber, are you ready to start the interview?

Dauber: huh

Me: Are you ready to start the interview?

Dauber: huh

Me: Are you ready to start the interview?

Dauber: what

Me: Are you ready to start the interview?

Dauber: yeah

Me: Great! What are your thoughts about Tech's recent hiring of Kliff Kingsbury?

Dauber: yeah, I did. Remember that guy said "Hey Sandy" (referring to the movie Grease)

Me: Yes, I remember. How about running the 4-3 defense? Any concerns?

Dauber: No. I watch this movie.

Me: What do you think about...

Dauber: I WATCH FRESH BEAT BAND (while smashing his trucks together)

Me: Ok, I understand. What do your friends think about Texas Tech?

Dauber: He said Red Raiders Red Raiders I'm play Texas Tech at school Fresh Beat Band.

Me: That's great to know. Is football your favorite sport?

Dauber: I smell like Mac and Cheese! (whispers) football.

Me: That's weird. What about the struggles that the basketball team is facing. Any thoughts?

Dauber: (robot voice) Oh yes I did (unintelligible) (unintelligible) Who said that? Oh yeash I did.

Me: Interesting. Makes sense I guess. It's been a mess for a while.

Dauber: What is going on here? What the heck is going on here? Are you a police ossifer?

Me: Very well said and I agree.

Dauber: Jeremiah gets mad wif me when I say IN YO FACE and my teachers too and I say that's what my daddy always say.

Me: Wow. That seems a little unfair. Ok, we're almost done, just a few more questions. If you could have one thing, what would that be?

Dauber: What this gonna be? Robot dinosaur that doesn't talk. I jes fall down on this ground right now.

Me: Who's your favorite- me or mommy?

Dauber: MOMMY. IN YO FACE.

Me: Any thoughts on Elvis Presley and his under appreciated genius in marketing? I mean he thought up "Taking Care of Business in a Flash" in like 30 seconds and had the logo drawn up. TCB with a freaking lightning bolt. Does it ever get any better than that? TCB? He put the logo on his airplane by the way how awesome is that?

Dauber: I want some chocko milk and I wanna watch Yo Gabba Gabba.

Me: Ok, thank you so much for your time today. Just real quick, I'd like to wrap up by getting some instant reactions from you. When I show you a picture I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind, ok?

Dauber: huh

Me: When I show you a picture I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind.

Dauber: huh

Me: (shows picture)

Dauber: That man live upside down.

Dauber: um, crabs.

Dauber: That cowboy doesn't have a mouth remember womp womp gonman style on the compooter let's hear that again ok.

Dauber: I have the gramote member? Ima watch my shows.

Me: Yes I remember. Thanks for taking the time today to share your thoughts with us Dauber. Get your finger outta your nose.

Dauber: huh

Me: Get your finger outta your nose.

Dauber: huh

Me: Get your finger outta your nose.

Dauber: what

So there you have it. My first big time interview posted on VTM. Surely there won't have any bigger interviews than that coming up over the next few months. Surely.

But you should probably stay tuned just in case.