Breaking Down Our Opponents Using Motivational Posters, a Hobo and Ron Artest

Since we've spent the past eight months arguing with ourselves, I thought it might be healthy to dive into the schedule, break down our opponents strengths and weaknesses, and start arguing with someone else. And when I say "break down" I mean make fun of them.

With all due respect, of course.

And, as is the case with London Raider's posts, this is completely a thought piece. Completely.

So, in the immortal words of MC Hammer, let's break it down.

[Note by Seth C, 08/11/10 8:26 AM CDT ] Bumped to the front page. Thank you SARR.

Week 1: SMU Mustangs


The question mark coming into this game will be Craig James. Where will his heart be? Will it be with the program he helped destroy in the 80's, or with the program he completely embarrassed in 2009? Regardless, let's all hope his grandsons go to UT. I can't wait to see what they have planned to cripple the evil empire.

Week 2: New Mexico Lobos


I think their head coach is probably the toughest member of the team. We should stay away from their sideline at all costs or somebody's gonna get punched.

Week 3: Texas Longhorns


Mack Brown is the most overrated coach in America and Colt McCoy stars in a new reality show called Your Banjo's on Top of My Fishin' Rod. It's on the Travel Channel after Man vs. Food.

Week 4: Bye


During the bye week we'll need to keep our competitive drive, so we can try to hit this guy with a quarter. We'll also take some time to discuss one of my favorite topics: Ron Artest.

I don't subscribe to ESPN the Magazine but the mailman mistakenly put this month's issue in my mailbox. I browsed through it this morning and suddenly realized that the mailman's mistake was actually a gift from the heavens. It's a gift that keeps on giving. Hey, Juan Rangel on Redwood Valley- if you read this blog, call me. I owe you a beer.

It seems that Ron Ron has taken some classes at the Gerald Myer's School of Journalism and passed with flying colors. Yes, that's right, Ron Ron interviewed himself. I'm not one for hyperbole, but this article is the most incredible literature ever written. It is, without a doubt, the best interview in the history of mankind. Do yourself a favor and read the whole thing. It's truly a gift from the heavens. Here's a taste:

Titanic. When DiCaprio is trying to save the young lady, that was dope. When she tries to save him, and he dies, that was dope too. That whole situation was tragic. When I saw the baby in the water, frozen? I cried a little, but mostly I was pissed. I'd just had my daughter, so when I saw that frozen baby, I was like, "What the f -- !? That's bull -- !"

At the beach. Man, give me a mango drink, some sand, that water, and it's all good. I love running in the sand. But sometimes I'm scared as hell of water. Whenever I'm out there, I'm thinking, "Damn, some tidal wave is about to come!" Okay, so maybe I'm not totally at peace at the beach.

I can't wait to break this down further during the bye week. This is rock solid proof that we all need Ron Artest in our lives and we need him as a topic. He will make us better people.

Every member of DTN could pull a quote from this article and use it in their auto signature without any repeats. It's that good.

Week 5: Iowa State Cyclones


Not much going on in Ames. Looks like belly piercings are a requirement though.

Week 6: Baylor Bears


Seriously, they better sell beer this year.

Week 7: Oklahoma State Cowboys


You would think the team locker room would be a little more lavish with all that cash.

Week 8: Colorado Buffaloes


Colorado to the PAC 10 with the crazy pirate in charge. Seems like a good fit.

Week 9: Texas A&M Aggies


What would we do without our Aggies?

Week 10: Missouri Tigers


Missouri has been basking in it's anonymity since the 1800's. That's probably why the Big 10 wouldn't return their calls. The Big 10 didn't know who Missouri was.

Week 11: Oklahoma Sooners


There is absolutely no way I could have topped this poster created last year after the beat down in Lubbock. Whoever created this is a genius. I need to mail you a gift card to Chili's.

Week 12: Weber St. Pyramid Builders


I found this pic on their website. I think there might be a few Osmonds in that pile up. I really do hope they all make the trek to the Hub City. We'll have a good time at the tailgate because pyramids are always fun.

Week 13: Houston Cougars


Yeah, that's right Coogs. THAT JUST HAPPENED! You're gonna experience some Katfish mind tricks in late November. Get ready!

This should generate some deep discussion and some new ideas on how we can ridicule our opponents. We can continue this into the season and have some fun during game weeks. It's time to get serious. It's time to make fun of other schools. It's the right thing to do.

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Viva The Matadors' writers or editors.

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