Emergency Musings from the Bell Tower Boys: The West Coast Diaries



Emergency, Emergency!  Who let the dogs out!  We've got to get information to our fans, and we've got to get it out fast! Welcome to this emergency edition of our Musings Newsletter.  As you know, we've been burning the oil trying to keep up with all the activity over the past few weeks.  As always, we're on top of the situation and we want to share our success with you.

Of course, the big story over the past few days has been our pending westward move.  We're big time now!

You'll find lots of California flair in this issue as we prepare you for the new worlds we are about to topple.  In the spirit of due diligence, we took a trip out to SoCally (Southern California, i.e. LA & Hollywood) and NoCally (Northern California, i.e. San Francisco and Napa Valley).  All I can say is, wow- Cally Fornia. Knows how to party.  Cally Fornia.  Knows how to party.  Yes they do!

We'll share our notes, text messages, and emails from that trip.  We'll also get some Cally love from another groundbreaking Myer's chat, a detailed Pony movie review, and leadership tips from the Chancellor.  In addition, we have some heart wrenching and thought provoking quotes in our Quote of the Month segment, and we'll share our new AKA's.  Because in Cally, everyone has an AKA.


Hance on Leadership

Rule #5 of Effective Leadership: Always know where you stand and hitch your wagons to a star.  But sit down first.

OK, I'm gonna keep it brief this month because it's been a long week and I have bus lag.  Remember, as a leader you must always remember to know where you stand.  In order to accomplish this, you have to keep your ears peeled and your eyes flat on the tracks.  You've got to see that train a coming.  Dream big dreams and don't be a dirty lil' penny.  Pennies get their asses crushed by big ol' burnt orange locomotives when they come flying down the tracks.  Can you hear that UT band playing?  Can you hear the song they're chantin'? They're chantin' -'I've been workin' on the railroad' They play it after every touchdown and big play in Austin.  It has nothing to do with the eyes of Texas.

So you've got to stay ahead of that locomotive and be a fifty-cent piece.  Pennies are for losers and hobos.  Real men carry a fifty-cent piece.  Have you ever paid for chinese food with a fifty-cent piece?  Have you ever seen a crushed half dollar? I bet not.  Be unique. It will make you different.  Fifty-cent pieces are unique.  Are you?  Knowing where to stand and hitching your wagon while sitting down will make you a great leader.  It's paid off for me.   I'm Kent Hance, but my new Cally friends call me Fiddy Kent.  You can call me that too.  I think I'm gonna have some shirts made.





Craig's Corner

Hello Raider Nation!  It's your favorite pony back with another exhilerating movie review!  This month I'm going to review the James Cameron epic, Avatar.  It's so freaky in 3D.  I actually peed a little when that big monster tried to eat that Avatar.  And those jelly fish floating around really creep me out.  I like Sigourney Weaver though.

Speaking of Sigourney Weaver, I'd like to talk a little about conference realignments.  This potential western move is great for you and me.  I've noticed a noticable leadership void in some of those states, particularly California.  Once in a while opportunity knocks.  Will California be there to answer the door?  I sure hope so!  If they do, guess who will be standing on the porch, ready to take charge?  You guessed it-  The Pony Express!  I'm a TV icon, I develop real estate and I take care of my kids.  California needs to be pulled out of that ditch.  Californians are starving for a rescue.  I know a pony that can quench that thirst!  I know a pony that can pull that cart!  I know that pony because I am that pony.  California, help is on the way!

I'm Craig James and I approve of this message.  Also, my Cally friends call me Pony Pony Moustache Ride.  I approve of that too.





 Conversations with Gerald

One time in a movie, some guy said "Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, the bar eats you."  Who's ready to eat the bar with me?  Who's ready to raise the bar?

Last month I made journalistic history when I interviewed myself.  It was epic.  Well, guess what?  This month, I'm raising the bar again.  I'm gonna eat that friggin' bar!

Here's how it went down.  When we were in Cally, I set up a meeting with two Golden State legends.  The logistics were complicated, but once again, I pulled it off.  Are you ready for this?

Superstar radio host Jim Rome interviewed me while at the same time I was interviewing Snoop Doggy Dogg.  And, to top that off, Snoop was eating a big ass steak during the conversation.  Journalistic history!  Eatin' the bar!  As the French would say- menage a' intervue!

 Here is Rome almost getting his ass kicked and Snoop enjoying his steak:


Good times!  And here is the actual interview:

Jim Rome:  Today I am speaking with Texas Tech legend, Gerald Myers.  What's up Gerald?

Gerald Myers: Good.  Please help me welcome hip hop superstar, Snoop Dogg!

Snoop Dogg:  Fa shizzle my nizzle.

Rome: Ca-laaussic.

Myers: Are you gonna eat that whole steak?

Snoop: (Silenty chews while he takes a sip of wine)

Rome: So, Gerald, tell me about the Big-12 EERRRRR PAC-10 EERRRRR PAC-16 EERRRRRR   ERRrrr

Myers: I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.  Can you expand on that, Doggy Dogg?

Snoop: Ol' man, you a trip.

Myers: Yes, we're here visiting for a few days.  Short trip, but worthwhile.

Rome: Epic.  RedRaider Fan, you are in big trouble.  Let's waste a few minutes and read some emails from the clones.

Dear Snoop,

Put down the steak knife.


The Chic Fil-A Cows

Dear Snoop,

Where do you get the chronic?


Bam Morris

Rome: Ca-laausic.  Where is Lubbock?

Myers:   Making progress but it's a long process.  Snoop, how is the steak?

Snoop: Sizzle.

Myers: Can you translate for our readers?

Snoop: No need to translate fool.  It means sizzle.

Myers: Fo shizzle?

Rome: Nice.  Great job.  Good job.  Great interview.  Thanks Gerald. Good job.  You can speak.  Great job.  Rack it.

 Myers:  Please call me by my AKA, Mustardo Jimeniz.  It's Tijuanan for "spicy mayonnaise."  Thanks Snoop.  I'll catch you later at Sky Bar.

Snoop: Bizzle.





Quote of the Month

Our quote of the month comes from wordsmith, songwriter and basketball superstar Ron Artest.  And, as a bonus, we couldn't narrow it down to just one.  This guy is so motivational, so inspiring, that we had to give you a fair sampling of his genius.  The Lakers, and our society in general, are in great hands.

From his younger days:

As a teenager, Ron Artest played in an AAU Tournament, got angry and knocked over two water coolers. He then told his coach, "I don't know what's wrong with those buckets."

Advice on how to deal with medication:


"I've never taken medication (to control moods) in my life. Doctors have suggested it and I say, 'OK, give it to me.' But I throw it in the garbage immediately."

And finally, tips on multi-tasking when facing adversity after a suspension:



"Having a record company and putting out my own CD. There's clothes and shoes. There's also an upcoming book deal that I'm trying to do. I'm trying to be positive. I'm a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize."





Last Word

So we mentioned that we did our due diligence and spent a few days out west.  We'd like to share with you what we found.  The following is a timeline of events and a few pictures we took while visiting the sunshine state.  Of course, due to our high profiles, we had to go cognito and the AKA's given to us by our Cally friends came in handy when checking into the hotel.   As always, we are masters of disguise!  Here is a snapshot of us visiting Venice Beach, in cognito:


Mustardo is in the hat, I'm in the middle, and of course, Pony is the pony (by contract).  Here's how the rest of the trip played out.

Saturday, 6/12.  Day 1:

11:38 AM:  Arrived at Ontario Intl. Airport and got off the plane.  Coulda swore that Canada was further away, but after a short cab ride, we could see the LA skyline.  The traffic is horrible and I can see smog over the hills.  This is it?  This is Nirvana?  I'll take Dimmitt anyday.

12:22 PM:  Everyone here talks about the highways like they are alive.  "Take the 10 to the 58 because the 2 is congested."  "Then get on the four five four (not four fifty four) and it's easy sailin' to the PCH."  It's annoying at first, but I think I'm gonna start a new fad when we get back to Lubbock.  "I'm gonna take the two-eight-nine to the 50th and then take the Slide to the SPM and buy some Don Ed Hardy gear."  It should catch on easy.

1:47PM:  Our first celeb sighting!  We snapped this pic with Keanu Reeves and asked for his autograph.  He declined, but we have this shot for posterity!  The mega-star of The Matrix and Dude Where's My Car? said he was gonna call the cops on us!  We're big time!


 4:15 PM:  We flew in on Saturday because somebody said the Lakers would be hosting the Celtics in Game 5 Sunday afternoon.  We wanted to sit by Jack and that old dude in the white sunglasses. I shoulda known not to trust somebody.  Somebody who doesn't even have the guts to fire a football coach.  Somebody who made the board and the chancellor get involved and now we have to go to Amarillo for a court date.  Somebody is a complete idiot.  We skipped the meeting with the PAC-10 commissioner in Lubbock to get here early and now we are sitting at In and Out Burger.  Oh well, Bobby and Patrick can handle the tour.  I think Charlotte is also there so it's all good.

7:22 PM:  Booked a limo to take us up to Napa on Sunday morning.  We'll make the most out of this situation yet!  Nothing like a good wine tour to take the edge off.  Can't wait to feel the warm, squishy grapes between my toes!

8:55 PM:  Celebrity sighting #2!  Met up with superstar Justin Timberlake outside of the In and Out Burger.  He was much nicer than that jerk Keanu Reeves and he invited us back to his place in the Valley, but we had to decline so we could get some shut-eye.  For the life of me I can't figure out why such a big star would live in the Valley?  Oh well, another skin on the wall!  Great shot Pony!  Your pecs look ripped!


 9:00PM: Lights out.  Long day tomorrow.  Besides, because of the time change, it's like 1:45AM in Lubbock.

Sunday, June 13th.  Day 2:

10:00AM:  Limo picks us up to take us to Napa.  It's all good until the limo driver laughs at our request.  Seems that somebody forgot to look at a map.  It's a 7 hour drive from LA to Napa so as soon as we get there we have to turn around and come right back.  All the wineries were closed and we owe this damn limo driver $8,257.  Somebody is gonna have a performance review soon.  I think my head is gonna explode.

Monday, June 14th. Day 3:

11:00AM: Early start today because we have a lot to do.  We take a tour out to Pasadena and see the Rose Bowl.  That place is friggin' huge.  You could fit like 2 United Spirit Arenas in there.

1:31PM:  Celebrity sighting #3!  We're on a roll and this sighting is the best yet!  Can you spell Leo DeCaprio?  That's right, we met the king of the world!  He was even nicer than Justin.  He wanted our phone numbers,  addresses, social security numbers and passwords.  Said he was going to send us tickets to his next premiere.  So, we gladly gave him a list. The rich just keep getting richer!


 He is much taller in person.  Dude is like 6'8".  They must do some crazy camera work to shrink him down to size.

3:14PM:  We started getting some weird text messages and voice mails.  Gerald is worried but I reassure him that everything is ok.  Chip Level and Chris Brown have guaranteed us this is in the bag.  And Chip owes me big after I sent him those Leach locker room tapes.  You can always trust Chip and Chris.  They are first class professionals.  They would never make themselves look bad.

This is a lead pipe lock.  Nothing can stop us now!  Cally Fornia.  Knows how to party.  We're riding the orange Texas train all the way to rich city!

6:02PM:  Ok.  Something is wrong.  My contacts won't answer their phones and I'm getting worried.  My UT contact, Matthew McConaughey,  keeps answering with a Spanish woman's accent.  "Hola?  Matt no esta aqui." 

I know it's you McConaughey- I can hear your damn bongos!

6:08PM:  Called my Aggie contact, Gov. Perry.  He just keeps repeating "Hottie Tottie" over and over.  Why won't these guys talk to me?

7:15PM: This is falling apart.  Pony says that ESPN has ordered him back for an emergency strategy session.  I still haven't spoken to Rick or Matt.  I try to call Toby Keith to see how OU is feeling.  No answer.  So frustrating!

9:00PM: It's lights out and I still have no idea what's up.  Beebe sends me a text message but it's lights out.  It will have to wait until tomorrow.  Rules are rules and lights out means lights out.

Tuesday, June 15th.  Day 4:

9:45AM:  Early start to the day, but as we say in Dimmitt- "If you wanna feed the chickens you have to deal with the crack of a rooster's ass."  Big breakfast.  Gonna need some extra energy.  Craig flew out last night so it's just me and Gerald.  He's eating waffles.

10:00AM:  I just heard on ESPN that the UT regents are meeting.  I thought their meeting started at 11 o'clock?  This is bad, bad, so bad.  Now Matt just makes elephant noises when he answers his phone.  The Governor said he's working on border security.  Yeah right.  Why won't they talk to me?

10:15AM:  I play my final card.  Since OSU is in the same boat as we are, I call up my Cowboy contact, Jeff Van Gundy.  "Coach, this is Kent. We gotta stay together on this deal."  "Will do," he says.  Little did I know he hung up and asked who the hell I was.  Damn Gundys and damn Van Gundys.  I can't keep up with 'em all.  Why won't they send me a contact list?

11:00AM: Gerald wants to go look at houses but I keep stalling.  "Not yet Gerald, have another waffle," I say.  "My belly hurts," he says.

11:05AM:  Finally, my phone rings.  It's Matt.  He has bad news.  Says that he just talked to Mack and we have to go home.  Now. "Can't we go to the wax museum first?" I ask.  "Nope, Mack said get on a bus and get back to Lubbock, pronto.  You're California dreams are over.  But, before you leave, he wants 2 bags of In and Out Burgers.  Make sure he gets them.  You don't want to make Mack angry.  You wouldn't like Mack when he's angry.

11:30AM: We board the bus headed for Lubbock via Austin and I finally get the Governor on the phone.  "What are you talkin' about?", he asks.  We were never goin' nowhere.  Have you been takin' your medicine?  I'm worried about ya Kent.  Oh, and by the way, bring me a few bags of those burgers.  I'm starvin."  I assure him I'm taking my pills and promise to drop off some burgers.

"Thanks Kent, I know I can always count on you," Perry says as he hangs up.

12:46PM:  I finally got Gerald to sleep and covered him with his blanket.  He keeps mumbling about buying Dean Martin's house in Palm Springs.  I tune him out and stare through the dirty bus window as the palm trees roll by.  In the distance I can see the Hollywood sign getting smaller and smaller before it finally disappears into the smog, and I can faintly hear a train whistle blowing.  More pennies gettin' crushed.  Without thinking, I start to hum the Texas fight song.  How do the words go?  Is it  "The Eyes of Texas are Upon You?"  I can't remember anymore.  Whose eyes are on us? Are all the eyes in Texas upon us? Is Texas bigger than Texas?

"I've Been Workin' on the Railroad" seems a better fit.  Those guys have been workin' on this railroad for a long time, and they pulled it off.  They railroaded us. Those are the words I will hear from now on when the UT band plays.  We got the railroad.  UT gets richer and we get crushed pennies.

So long, Hollywood hills.  So long, palm trees.  So long, Fiddy Kent.

12:53PM: Toby Keith called and said I owe him $3,000 and a box of chocolates.  I have no idea why.

12:54PM: I lean back in my worn seat and try to get some rest. When we get to Lubbock I'm taking the 27 straight to the 82nd then to the Quaker and not stopping until I get into the Lakeridge.  I'm gonna curl up in bed with some Tijuana tequila and watch W.  No calls, no emails, I'm not answering anyone.

Unless McConaughey calls.  I'll have to answer that.  After all, the eyes of Texas are upon me.  And when he calls, I'll ask him.  I know he won't answer, but I'll ask him anyway.

Is Texas bigger than Texas?


This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Viva The Matadors' writers or editors.