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Rest in Peace, Sports

Sports died unexpectedly Wednesday from an apparent suicide, when one of the last bastions of integrity in college football decided that contract price and opportunism were more important than graduation rates and success. Sports was as old as human history.

Texas Tech University, speaking on behalf of college football, stated Wednesday that battling entitlement was simply too challenging, because teaching kids about hard work is expensive. "We really wanted to get the message out," Tech said in a prepared statement, "that a kid having to spend two practices in an air conditioned room is too high a price to pay for graduating athletes and teaching boys how to become men." Fans were shocked that college football's capitulation would be announced from Lubbock, considered one of the toughest parts of Texas. "Well paint me [expletive] surprised," said Grizzled Badass West-Texan between bites from his hammers and nails filled omelet, "I guess I was wrong about college football being a man's game. Has women's basketball started yet? Here I come."

Sports had been engaged in a well publicized losing battle with chronic softness for years, a fight that has already taken the life of basketball. With the demise of college football, once thought to be sport's best chance of battling entitlement, doctors maintained little hope for sport's future.

"I'm really disappointed," said God, fighting back tears, "I went to a whole lot of trouble to provide a meaningful escape that also afforded you all an opportunity to learn about virtue, and now you've gone and screwed it up. Jesus Christ bananas, I'm out." College football was unavailable for comment, because it has nothing to say for itself.

There will be a service at the 2010 Alamo Bowl. Many seats are still available, and will probably remain so throughout the game.