My first clue that things could get out of hand was when Iron Mike tweeted the picture out sideways.
I consider myself a man of prudence and have been hunkered down for the past several years, trying to stay ahead of the coaching game. For fun, I usually watch a couple of episodes of Breaking Bad before turning in and attacking the next day. This night was different though. This was the Preakness, and I was there with Mike Tyson.
Mike Tyson (@MikeTyson) May 17, 2014
Tyson: It was so great to meet Kliff and hang out with Tom again. I've been a Patriots fan for millenniums.
Kingsbury: Tyson wanted to bet $200,000 on Ride On Curlin to place because he like the way he smelled. He said he smelled good, but not THAT good, so he wouldn't win.
Brady: I was leery about the whole thing at first, but Tyson can be pretty persuasive at times, so of course I loaned him the $200,000 to bet on a horse that he thought smelled ok.
Tyson: I was just ecstatic to secure the funds to proceed with my betting phenomenon endeavors. And lo and behold, we hit the ticket!
Kingsbury: It was incredible. I've never yelled so loudly for a horse to come in 2nd, but I did on Saturday. Tyson took Tom Brady's money and turned it into over a half a million dollars in an instant.
Brady: I was really sweating for the first half of the race. That horse was so far behind and I started wondering how I would explain all of this to Giselle, but then son of a gun if that Curlin didn't close like a bitch and Mike Tyson made me some money!
Tyson: After the race I proceeded to the window to procure my allotment of winnings. I then gave Tom Brady his cut, which equaled to $50,000 and I knew exactly what to do with the rest of our treasure.
Kingsbury: After we took the now famous picture in the photo booth we loaded in a Hummer that Tyson bought on the spot and headed to PF Changs.
Tyson: I thoroughly enjoy the atmosphere at PF Changs and I also have a palate for lettuce wraps.
Brady: I was a bit confused by this time because Tyson only gave me $50,000 when we won $560,000. He told me it was a complicated horse racing payout and not to worry about it. I tried not to but I couldn't help it. It was fun to watch Tyson eat lettuce wraps though.
Kingsbury: So as soon as we sit down Tyson asks for 10 orders of lettuce wraps and tequila shots. When the lettuce wraps arrive he starts shoving lettuce in his mouth and giggling. He kept saying "I'm like a little rabbit."
Tyson: (laughing) I'm like a little rabbit.
Kingsbury: He kept the tequila flowing and kept eating lettuce. He wouldn't let the wait staff bring any menus so we picked at the lettuce wrap fillings with our forks. It was getting a bit awkward but fortunately Steph Curry and Colin Powell showed up. Tyson promptly showed them his rabbit impersonation.
Tyson: Look Colin Powell, I'm like a little rabbit.
Powell: I was told there would be more magic?
Brady: So by this time Tyson was getting pretty lit and he continued with his strange rabbit fascination. He said he wanted to go buy some New York rabbits and stage some fights for cash. I reminded him we were in Baltimore but he was beyond listening.
Tyson: Rabbits are the pigeons of the ground world.
Kingsbury: First we stop at a Honda dealership and Tyson buys two minivans with cash. He instructs Powell to drive one and Curry the other. Steph said he really needed to get back but Tyson just gave him this look and Steph promptly got behind the wheel. We went to some shady neighborhood in South Baltimore and Tyson went inside. We were getting antsy until he came out a few minutes later carrying a cage full of rabbits. He opened the door to the minivan that Powell was driving and released them. Moments later three huge men came out of the house with cages in hand. More bunnies released into the vans.
Curry: It was only like five minutes and we had at least 60 rabbits.
Powell: I'm not accustomed to this lifestyle.
Tyson: When provoked a rabbit is deadly viscously.
Brady: It was dark when we arrived at this old, rundown gym. By now our entourage had grown to about 20 people with more joining by the minute. We all sat in the worn, wooden bleachers while Tyson brought in pairs of rabbits and placed them in the ring. He was stumbling around and laughing and then he'd go ring the bell for the fight to begin. Draw.
It was draw after draw after draw.
Kingsbury: We sat in that gym for at least two hours while Tyson kept bringing in another pair of rabbits to fight, but they never did. They just sat there or hopped around a little.
Powell: It's a good thing we had tequila because those rabbit fights were boring as shit.
Curry: Finally, Tyson had all the rabbits in the ring and he realized they weren't fighting so we left. I asked him what he wanted to do with all the rabbits but he just started singing Turn Down For What in a really high pitched tone.
Tyson: FIVE TO NINE AN ERRBODY SHOTS........TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?
Kingsbury: Now Tyson wants to go back to the track and race horses but the thing is he's afraid of horses. Sure, he likes to smell them, but he's deathly afraid of riding them. So he calls up a friend of his that has these giant dogs and they meet us at the track.
Brady: I've never seen dogs that big. They were like little horses.
Curry: We sneak out on the track with these giant dogs and everybody tries to get on one. Powell was the only guy that was successful and he rode down about 50 yards before he fell off.
Powell: FIVE TO NINE AN ERRBODY SHOTS...SHOTS..SHOTS.SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
Tyson: TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?
Kingsbury: By now Tyson is getting visibly frustrated. He makes another phone call, throws the phone into the night air, and starts singing with Powell again. Now he's doing some strange dances. Sorta a mix of the old Russian dance where you drop your butt to the ground and kick one leg out combined with the Cabbage Patch. It was odd, but strangely impressive.
Brady: Suddenly another van pulls up and these three little dudes get out. Turns out its Calvin Borel, Joel Rosario and Miguel Mena, all jockeys from the race. We all lift them up and do some crowd surfing because by now we've got a ton of people out here and then get some tequila up in 'em with funnels.
Tyson: I'm particularly interested in being a gracious host and entertainer so I procured the jockeys so we could have the full Kentucky Derby experience.
Kingsbury: Next thing I know guys are down on all fours and the jockeys climb on top and they're crawling down the track, getting whipped by professional jockeys.
Curry: Then they bring the dogs back and make the dogs ride the guys on all fours. Then the jockeys ride the dogs.
Brady: Somebody had some extra rabbits and strapped them to the dogs so the dogs were chasing each other trying to eat rabbits off of each others backs.
Kingsbury: Now the jockeys are carrying the dogs with rabbits piggyback and running down the track as fast as they can. Borel had some moonshine and he started shooting fire out of his mouth. Brady started throwing deep outs to Powell and Curry, but we didn't have a football. All we had were a few rabbits. This whole thing was going south quickly.
Borel: It was about that time when (makes a circular motion with both hands, index finger pointing to the sky to simulate sirens spinning) whew whew WHEW, and all I saw was red and blue.
Kingsbury: When the cops got there we scattered. It was a crazy scene. I just ran as fast as I could until I got to an open field about a half mile away. A few minutes later Brady called me and I told him where I thought I was. There was an old abandoned ship-building warehouse nearby that he could use as a landmark to find me.
Brady: When I got to Kliff, Tyson and Borel were already there with him. It was about 3 in the morning and we were all starving so Tyson had some crab cakes flown in and we tore that shit up.
Tyson: Crab cakes are nutritiously fabulous for those late nights hiding out from the cops.
Kingsbury: Curry and Powell showed up. Said they just followed the helicopter because they knew it was us. We all just sorta sat around, laughing about the night. Soon thereafter we stopped talking and just passed the tequila bottle around, each taking turns pulling a slug of Hornitos in silence. After an hour or so I dozed off. When I woke, the sun was already high above the city.
The smell of the sea was thick in the air and I could hear a delicate mix of seagulls begging for food and industry roaring to life. I had a crab cake for my breakfast that I found nearby and scrambled to my feet, brushing the dust from my slacks and shoes. I looked around for Tyson to thank him for such an incredible night, but he was already gone.