The dirtiest old country songs I could think of

Even the horses know what they're talking about

In my continuing series of important lists, here is a compilation of the dirtiest old country songs I could remember.

Beyonce recently released a song titled Drunk in Love that has caused quite a stir. In it she describes surfboards and waking up in the kitchen, confused. And of course midway through the song Jay-Z appears, as he does in every song these days, to rap. He explains how he's a real badass and then he names a few guys that aren't as badass as he is and then he describes a delicious breakfast he recently had with B, before turning the mic back over to his lovely bride to end the tune.

 

I would imagine PTA meetings across the country have been filled with discussions about the song and whether children at are listening to this kind of stuff when their parents aren't around. It's as if this is the first song ever released loaded with innuendo and suggestive lyrics.

But that's simply not the case. Please join me as we journey back to the days of relaxing with a beer and watching your parents chew tobacco and play pool while old country songs played in the background. Those songs are the soundtrack of our youth, but surprisingly their impact on us now as adults has never been thoroughly researched.

If you close your eyes and concentrate, you can still hear the steel guitar and those haunting lyrics that was country music in the 1970's. You were too young to understand the meaning behind the words, but let me tell you they were raunchy and nasty.

So, with further ado, here are selected lyrics from the dirtiest old country songs I could think of. For the most part lyrics are presented without commentary.

Feels So Right

Performed by: Alabama

Lying here beside you I hear the echoes of your sighs
Promise me you'll stay with me and keep me warm tonight
So hold me close and love me, give my heart a smile
Mmm feels so right. Feels so right.

Your body feels so gentle and my passion rises high
You're loving me so easy, you're wish is my command
Just hold me close and love me, tell me it won't end
Mmm feels so right. Feels so right.

Feels so right.

Ah, you feel so right baby...

 


Not much to say. Lot's of innuendo here. Wouldn't be able to sing in church. Those boys from Alabama are nasty.

Gentle On My Mind

Performed by: Glenn Campbell

It's knowing that your door is always open
And your path is free to walk
That makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag
Rolled up and stashed behind your couch


Dirty in an old, hippie sort of way. What do you mean you're sleeping bag is rolled up behind her couch, Glen Campbell? Is that some sort of hippie slang for talking about her junk? What are you gonna do with that "sleeping bag" Glen Campbell? You sicken me.

Tight Fittin' Jeans

Performed by: Conway Twitty

In my mind she's still a lady that's all I'm gonna say
I knew that I'd been broken by the time we parted way
And I know I held more woman than most eyes have ever seen
That night I knew a lady wearin' tight fittin' jeans

 


Woah, woah, woah, Conway Twitty. Slow down with the 'breaking a wild horse" references there. And "In my mind she's still a lady, that's all I'm gonna say?" C'mon Conway, you just said it by not saying it. Good thing Conway Twitty never had Twitter. You make me sick.

As an aside, if I ever have another kid I'm gonna name him/her Conway Escobar.  "Hey little Conway Escobar, it's time for your t-ball game." It just rolls off the tongue. Conway Twitty was still a freak though and Pablo Escobar got fat and fell off a roof.

So little Conway Escobar will be tasked with redeeming both of their names and dominating in t-ball.

Pure Love

Performed by: Ronnie Milsap

Pure love, baby it's pure love
Milk and honey and Captain Krunch and you in the morning


Ok, now we're just getting into the weird stuff. How the hell did these things ever get on the radio? That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard. Even Kevin Garnett is blushing.

Afternoon Delight

Performed by: Starland Vocal Band

Thinkin' of you's workin' up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ingite
and the thought of rubbin' you is getting so exciting

Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight

Started out this morning feeling so polite
I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite
But you've got some bait a waitin' and I think
I might like having a little afternoon delight


Ok there's so much wrong with this song that I don't even know where to begin. This is certainly the gold standard of the old dirty nasty but make it sound happy genre that so many of these freaks got away with back in the day.

Tell me that if Beyonce tried to sing about catching fish that couldn't be caught and waitin' with the bait that she wouldn't get arrested. Disgusting. You disgust me Starlight Vocal Band.

*****

And finally the piece de resistance. Barbara Mandrell jumped the shark and set society back a couple of decades with this song. I really don't want to comment too much because I'll get kicked off the internet, but man, there's so much wrong in this song.

Crackers

Performed by: Barbara Mandrell

Hello baby, I'm sorry I said
The things I did, it was a silly fight
I was wrong you were right
What I really mean to say is

You can eat crackers in my bed anytime, baby
You can kick off all the covers in the middle of the night
You can sleep with the window open wide
Do anything as long as your by my side
You can eat crackers in my bed anytime

I should be happy, no dishes to wash now
But my own, no clothes to pick up
A double bed to myself now that your gone
Oh but it's lonely, I'm sorry I ever let you go
It's a matter of fact I've got to have you back
I just want you to know

You can eat crackers in my bed anytime, baby

 


 

I spent three days trying to come up with lyrics nastier than that and couldn't do it. Barbara Mandrell wins.

But her vile only serves as proof that if we could survive the onslaught of nasty from Nashville during the 70's without going completely morally bankrupt, we can probably handle a little Beyonce. The dirty lyrics from our youth didn't cause us to grow up and live in a world where no one is wearing pants and everyone is looking for somebody named Crackers.

So go ahead and bring it, Beyonce. Jay-Z might think he got one over on us with his description of such a delicious breakfast he had with you, but he's got nothing on Ronnie Milsap and Captain Krunch and neither do you.

We've heard the worst and we can take it. And no we still don't know how Glen Campbell liked to party with a "sleeping bag," but we did survive all 70's feathered-hair comers. So sing away, Beyonce.

Sing away.

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