Bob Seger is the worst

One man's search for peace and happiness and the surprising solution that could bring joy to his life.

For the past several weeks things have been in a fog. It has a lot to do with the time of year-- spring is here, bringing with it allergies and the foreboding, never ending heat of summer. I've realized that these moods hit me about the same time every year as I stare into the abyss of months without football and the approaching days when the burning sun never seems to set.

So I racked my brain to come up with something, anything, that I could find joy in. After much deliberation I realized that the only thing that will make me whole is if I can get Bob Seger kicked out of America.

*****

Bob Seger had proven himself to be a man not worthy of citizenship long before he and Chevrolet ruined a decade of television programming by endlessly filling the airwaves with scenes of trucks climbing hills and the putrid sounds of "Like A Rock" playing in the background.

In fact, Bob Seger doesn't even deserve the time I'm putting into this story, but I figure if I can write about a paper cup and a ball, I can at least do the public a solid and volunteer my time for this worthy cause.

Think about it. If we can generate enough support and really create a buzz on social media, we might have a chance to get Bob Seger kicked out of the country. I know I would sleep better at night knowing that Bob Seger was hiding in exile in Scandinavia or Puerto Rico.

Those Chevy commercials darkened my soul, but that's not the worst from Bob Seger. The worst is Turn the Page. A whiny, self indulgent song with an over the top saxophone solo. Seger wrote his martyrdom anthem in 1972 about how tough life is for a Rock ‘n Roll Mega Super Star.

Let's explore.

When you're ridin' sixteen hours

And there's nothin' much to do

And you don't feel much like ridin',

You just wish the trip was through.

Well guess what Rock 'n Roll star? Nobody cares to hear you complaining about riding on a bus. I rode a bus from New Jersey to New York City once and you don't see me complaining about it.

Well you walk into a restaurant,

Strung out from the road

Well my two sons kick me in the head all night and then demand chocka milk.

And you feel the eyes upon you

As you're shakin' off the cold

I drive 500 miles a week to t-ball games and orchestra lessons.

You pretend it doesn't bother you

But you just want to explode.

Well my socks won't stay up and I have weird hairs growing out of my forehead.

Most times you can't hear ‘em talk,

Other times you can

Have you ever seen that Kevin Garnett commercial? He's tough, Bob Seger. He's a man he's a man he's a man, yes he is.

All the same old cliches,

Is that a woman or a man?

You don't think Kevin Garnett hears that? He told Carmelo Anthony his wife smelled like Honey Nut Cheerios and he didn't write a stupid song about it.

And you always seem outnumbered,

You don't dare make a stand

So Mr. Rock ‘n Roll Good Time Charlie is afraid of the bridge club at Luby's? What do you think Jon Bon Jovi would say? Jon Bon Jovi talks about riding a steel horse and rockin' a million faces. And you're over here talking about being outnumbered? I bet a real Rock 'n Roll hero like Bon Jovi would be ashamed of you.

Then it really gets whiny when he complains about being out in the spotlight and echoes from the amplifiers ringin' in his head. Smokes the day's last cigarette blah blah blah.

Most of his other songs are cool though.

*****

I took to Twitter a few weeks ago to see what the appetite was for getting Bob Seger deported. (He's from Detroit, so technically he'd be deported). As you can see the response was overwhelming.

So tonight the campaign begins in earnest. Join me in having Bob Seger driven out of America.

It will make you feel better about your allergies.


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