(Orchestra starts to play and the curtain is raised. Tonight's hosts, Matt Millen and Gus Johnson enter stage left through several fog machines to a smattering of applause)
Gus Johnson: HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE 1ST ANNUAL GOLDEN MATADOR AWARDS WHERE WE WILL HONOR VTM COMMENTERS AND MEMBERS OF THE VTM FAMILY FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE SITE IN 2013 WHY IS IT SO SMOKY IN HERE?
Matt Millen: Yeah I tell ya Tess, this is gonna be one fun night. After looking at the numbers I can tell ya there are some tired buckaroos at VTM so without further adoodle lets get right to our first award.
Gus Johnson: WHAT NO JOKES? OK LET'S JUST GO. NO I'M DOING THIS.
HOW COLD IS IT? IT'S SO COLD THEY'RE CANCELING HOCKEY GAMES. BOOM DIGGITY.
(Johnson does a series of weird karate punches and kicks while Matt Millen shoves his hands in his fur coat pockets hard and it looks really, really awkward. Gus finishes his routine and takes the mic)
THE FIRST AWARD OF THE NIGHT IS FOR THE VTM'ER THAT POSTED THE MOST FAN SHOTS IN 2013. PLEASE HAND ME THE ENVELOPE AND THE WINNER IS..........
Matt Millen: (trying to see the envelope and announce the winner at the same time as Gus) ...exRaider!
Nice! Great job there Centex. Do you really like mushrooms? (does the "call me" sign)
(Centex takes the stage, thanks his family and magic mushroom pops, and heads out to party with The Jonas Brothers)
Gus Johnson: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT NOW LETS HEAR SOME MUSIC OH THERE'S NO MUSIC, OK, LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR NEXT AWARD! THE WINNER OF THE BEST RECURRING SERIES IN 2013 GOES TO.....
SETH C FOR HIS ICONOGRAPHY POSTS!
Matt Millen:(standing behind Johnson in an attempt to read the card) ...C fors__ inogriffy POSTS!
Wow! I tell ya Tess, Seth C has to be a tired buckaroo after all that writing. He did this two times, the first time he got the stuff and then whoo boy buckaroo the second time.
Gus Johnson: I'M HAVING A REALLY DIFFICULT TIME FOLLOWING YOU MATT BUT LET'S KEEP THE ENERGY LEVEL UP. UNFORTUNATELY SETH C COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE HE'S WORKING ON A SERIES OF POSTS BREAKING DOWN FUTURE LONG SNAPPERS SO WE ARE HAPPY TO ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON HIS BEHALF LET GO OF THE TROPHY RIGHT NOW MATT MILLEN.
Gus Johnson: OK LETS TAKE A COMMERCIAL BREAK OH THERE'S NO COMMERCIALS SO LETS KEEP GOING THE NEXT AWARD GOES TO THE VTM'ER WITH THE MOST FAN POSTS IN 2013. (starts tearing the envelope) AND THAT PERSON IS....
BLACKBEARD!!! WITH 20 POSTS, INCLUDING A TERRIFIC CHRONOLOGICAL HISTORY OF ALL THE TECH FOOTBALL COACHES!!!!
Matt Millen: (leaning over, trying to see) BlbeARD! __ ving us a ___try of __ech _ootball COACHES! C'mon up here blackbeard you ol' so and so I bet you're a tired buckaroo aren't ya?
Blackbeard: (Grabs the mike, looks around)
(drops the mike, leaves the stage, crowd cheers wildly)
Gus Johnson: WOAH THERE GOES BLACKBEARD THERE HE GOES WATCH OUT!
AND NOW FOR OUR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD. THIS GOES TO THE VTM'ER THAT HAS MADE AN ATTEMPT TO MEET THE MOST OTHER VTM'ERS IN PERSON. THIS PERSON CLAIMED TO BE THE WINNER ON HIS BIRTHDAY AT ABOUT 2 AM AND I DON'T THINK IT WAS VERIFIED BUT WE'RE GIVING IT TO HIM ANYWAY. THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT/HUMANITARIAN/RAIDER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO....
Matt Millen: (swiping at the envelope and mouthing the words) ___ Cool __AIDER!!!! Helluva job there buckaroo. Meeting people is something you should all try sometime.
Gus Johnson: UNFORTUNATELY OSR COULDN'T BE HERE WITH US TONIGHT BECAUSE HE'S AT A STRIP CLUB WITH A CAT THAT PLAYS GUITAR LOOKING FOR VTM'ERS BUT HE DID SEND US THIS PICTURE OF HIM DOING A HIGH KARATE KICK.
Gus Johnson: CAN I GET SOME WATER UP HERE, NO? OK, LET'S KEEP GOING. OUR FINAL GOLDEN MATADOR OF THE NIGHT GOES TO THE VTM'ER THAT POSTED THE MOST COMMENTS IN 2013. THIS IS A BIG DEAL IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. IT TAKES DEDICATION TO WIN THIS AWARD. SO LET'S GET TO IT. THE NOMINEES ARE:
BATTLEDOME (crowd claps as a video montage of battledome is shown and he's given a chance to talk a little about himself. He says that he's come across some video of Davis Webb in pee wee football and there are some real issues to be concerned about.)
Gus Johnson: THE 2ND NOMINEE IS RED AND BLACK 71 (crowd cheers as the camera pans to R&B71 giving a thumbs up)
Gus Johnson: AND OUR 3RD AND FINAL NOMINEE FOR MOST COMMENTS IN 2013 IS BSEE94_ROUND ROCK!
(video montage is shown of BSEE94 imploring VTM'ers to go on over to the Lady Raider Game Day Thread and the crowd goes wild)
Gus Johnson: AND HERE WE GO! THE WINNER, AS SOON AS I RIP OPEN THIS ENVELOPE, I'LL TELL YOU THE WINNER AND THE WINNER IS.... OH BOY, WITH OVER 2,300 MORE COMMENTS THAN THE 2ND PLACE FINISHER, THE WINNER IS....
RED & BLACK 71!!!!!
Matt Millen: (hiding under the podium and looking out through the glass) ed ___ ACK 71!!!! Wowee buckaroo you must be a tired buckaroo! C'mon up here and accept your award as the VTM Commenter of the Year! It's a GIF! Your award is a GIF!
(R&B71 makes his way to the stage, leans in and whispers something to Gus Johnson)
Gus Johnson: OK HERE WE GO FOLKS, IN LIEU OF AN ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, R&B71 WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A POWER POINT PRESENTATION.
HERE WE GO!
(Orchestra music starts and the Twitter presentation fades to black)
Gus Johnson: THERE HE GOES FOLKS, YOUR 2013 WINNER FOR NUMBER OF COMMENTS. RED & BLACK 71! HE FINISHED THE YEAR WITH AN ASTOUNDING 6,920 COMMENTS WHICH IS MORE COMMENTS IN ONE YEAR THAN AN OLD LAZY TICK HOUND LIKE SARR HAS MADE IN FOUR YEARS ON THE SITE SO HOW ABOUT A BIG HAND FOR YOUR CHAMPI
Matt Millen: I tell ya Tess that's one impressive performance by that buckaroo. I've only seen that two times in my life. Once, back in
Gus Johnson: I'M NOT TESS I'M GUS JOHNSON YOU ILLITERATE SON OF A BI
(Orchestra crescendos, drowning out the conversation. Stage is cleared)
Announcement over the loudspeaker: Thanks for a great year everybody. All of you make VTM what it is. And if anyone has aspirations to be a super commenter, some guy at EDSBS had almost 65,000 comments. In one year.
Thanks again and here's the complete list:
San Antonio Red Raider- 8
Red and Black 71- 6,920
Filemon G- 2,855
Gus Mitchem- 2,314
Seth C- 2,239
Announcement over the loudspeaker: Thanks again for coming. Your swag bags can be picked up in the lobby and the after party starts in 20 minutes. Your drivers will be here to pick you up at 3am so let's get our ATMO on.