Dad gummit if it ain't been a tough couple a weeks!
Don't worry though, I've been doing some serious soul searching and I've learned a lot about myself. I realize there are a lot of upset people in Texas so I think I've come up with a solution that will make Texas happy.
At the end of the season I'll step down as the head football coach at Texas and run for Governor of Texas.
Think about it for a second. The Governor's seat will be empty next year when that damn Aggie with superhuman hair finally steps down and moves back to Paint Rock or wherever the hell he's from. I can slide into that office after having it fumigated and run the crap outta this state without missing a beat.
But I'm a down home man so after I turn over the reins as HC at Texas and become the Governor of Texas I want y'all to call me The Mayor of Texas.
Mack Brown, Mayor of Texas. I like the way that sounds.
Here's how we're gonna do it.
First, you gotta click play on this video and then read my campaign platform as you slow jam to my campaign song. My campaign manager, Matthew McConaughey, says this will get the people going. So click play and read along.
I WILL UNITE ALL TEXANS.
I WILL MAKE TEXANS PROUD.
I WILL RESTORE PRIDE TO TEXAS.
I WILL MOVE THE CAPITAL TO GUN BARREL CITY BECAUSE OF THAT AGGIE HAIRBALL.
I WILL RECRUIT APPLE TO RELOCATE TO TEXAS AND CONVERT THEM INTO AN OIL COMPANY.
I WILL CONVINCE EXXON MOBIL TO MOVE ALL ITS OPERATIONS TO TEXAS AND CONVERT THEM INTO A PHONE COMPANY WITH SONG DOWNLOADS AND APPLICATIONS.
I WILL COMPLETELY IGNORE GOOGLE AND GOLDMAN SACHS BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO FUTURE AT TEXAS.
I WILL SHUT DOWN THE PORN INDUSTRY IN ODESSA.
I WILL REBUILD ODESSA BY COMMISSIONING THE WORLD'S LARGEST DAM TO BE BUILT BETWEEN ODESSA AND MIDLAND SO ALL THE HOOKERS AND BOOM MEN WILL HAVE A JOB AFTER I SHUT DOWN THE PORN INDUSTRY IN ODESSA.
I WILL MAKE VINCE YOUNG THE STATE BIRD OF TEXAS.
I WILL PASS LEGISLATION THAT EVERY BUILDING IN AMARILLO HAS TO BE PAINTED YELLOW.
I WILL UNITE ALL THE PROUD TEXANS.
I WILL FINALLY SECURE THE BORDER. I KNOW THIS IS A CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECT BUT NO MORE SUMBITCHES WILL CROSS THAT RED RIVER INTO OUR GREAT STATE OF TEXAS.
I WILL BUILD STATUES.
I WILL SHOW YOU THE TRAMP STAMP STOOPS MADE ME GET AT MEDIA DAYS. HINT: IT'S A TAT OF STOOPS WRESTLING A SNOW MONKEY.
I WILL MAKE THE BIG DONKEY RESTAURANT IN SOUTH PADRE A STATE TREASURE AND I WILL EAT MANY CHIMICHANGAS AT THE BIG DONKEY.
I WILL REPLACE ALL THE SIDEWALKS IN AUSTIN WITH IN-GROUND TRAMPOLINES SO ALL THOSE WEIRD HIPPIES CAN HOP TO WORK LIKE BUNNIES.
I WILL BUILD A SAFE BRIDGE FROM EL PASO TO JUAREZ SO OUR GREAT TEXAN CITIZENS CAN BUY THEIR MINI GUITARS AND VANILLA EXTRACTS WITHOUT FEAR.
I WILL OUTLAW THE PUNTING OF DOGS.
I WILL TRY TO UNDERSTAND LUBBOCK.
I WILL MAKE FIREWORKS LEGAL YEAR ROUND EVEN INDOORS BECAUSE I WANT TO UNDERSTAND LUBBOCK.
I WILL DO DONUTS IN THE YARD OF YOUR WORST ENEMY IF YOU SEND YOUR REQUEST VIA TWITTER BECAUSE I WANT TO UNDERSTAND LUBBOCK.
I WILL MAKE TEXANS BE PROUD TO BE UNITED TEXANS.
I WILL BRING DALLAS TO ITS KNEES.
I WILL START A WAR WITH LOUISIANA. I'M NOT KIDDING. I'LL LOB MISSILES INTO BATON ROUGE LIKE A BAD ASS.
I WILL SIGN OVER COLLEGE STATION TO LOUISIANA AS A CONDITION OF THEIR SURRENDER.
I WILL ALSO START A WAR WITH NEW MEXICO BECAUSE TEXAS CAN HANDLE TWO WAR THEATERS AT ONCE. WE'LL BATTLE BATON ROUGE AND HOBBS AT THE SAME TIME AND WE WILL WIN BECAUSE THOSE CITIES ARE WEAK AND TEXAS IS STRONG.
I WILL SELL TEXARKANA TO OREGON.
I WILL MAKE EVERYONE IN WACO RIDE BICYCLES BECAUSE THAT SHIT WOULD BE FUNNY.
I WILL TAKE ALL THE UNITED TEXANS AND UNITE THEM EVEN MORE AND THEY WILL BE TRULY UNITED.
I WILL OUTLAW TRITONS.
I WILL ALLOW WOMEN TO VOTE.
I WILL FILL THE RIVER WALK WITH QUESO BECAUSE WHY THE HELL HASN'T THAT HAPPENED YET?
I WILL GIVE THE HOMELESS PEOPLE CHIP VOUCHERS SO THEY CAN EAT QUESO AT THE RIVER WALK.
I WILL PARDON JOHNNY MANZIEL.
I WILL MAKE CATS ILLEGAL.
I WILL BRING BACK PRIDE TO TEXAS AND TEXANS AND MAKE THEM WANT TO UNITE IN A BIG GROUP TEXAS CIRCLE.
I WILL IMPORT GRIZZLY BEARS TO TEXAS SO WE CAN BE MORE BAD ASS. CAN YOU IMAGINE SOME GRIZZLIES WALKING THROUGH DOWNTOWN HOUSTON AND MAKING EVERYTHING ALL BAD ASS?
I WILL REQUIRE ALL TEXAS ELDERS TO GROW A BEARD.
I WILL DO HOOD RAT THINGS WITH WILLIE NELSON.
I WILL MAKE TEXANS PROUD TO BE PROUD TEXANS.
I WILL TRY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT INSURANCE RATES AND CRIME BUT THAT MIGHT BE TOUGH SO I'LL JUST BRING IN A FEW MORE BEARS FOR HOUSTON.
I WILL CONTINUE TO ERADICATE BIGFOOTS.
I WILL SHARE MY SANGRIA.
So there you have it. That's my platform. I promise I can accomplish every dad gum one of those things within 60 days of taking office and then I'll come up with a new plan. This is gonna happen Texas. Get used to it and embrace my campaign slogan. I've lived by these words for years and now I'm finally gonna put it on a bumper sticker.
"It's all going to come together next year"
Embrace it Texas. It's all gonna happen next year. I humbly ask for your vote so I can lead Texas after I leave Texas.
Campaign ad paid for by: Texans that are coming together next year to make Texans proud to be Texans. Willie Nelson: Treasurer, Lance Armstrong, Secretary. Special shout out to Sex Panther Cologne.