Twitter is an interesting platform. Anyone can join and send messages and reply to whoever they want. It took me a while to realize that trying to talk to the important people in the world is a futile effort. I spent 3 months trying to get invited to Metta World Peace's Nerds and Nurses Costume Party and he never responded. I was crushed.
On Twitter, the important people don't talk TO people, they talk AT people. You little people need to learn that. Here are some examples I found this morning.
This guy is sending a subtle message to Erin Andrews, letting her know where he is today just in case. She didn't respond.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/ErinAndrews">@ErinAndrews</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/FOXSports1">@FOXSports1</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/CFBONFOX">@CFBONFOX</a> Im trying! Can't figure out these Green Bay hotel channels.</p>— Conner Galway (@Conner_G) <a href="https://twitter.com/Conner_G/statuses/378881524679970816">September 14, 2013</a></blockquote>
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And this guy doesn't have time for no Aristotle crap during footbaw. Desmond didn't reply.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/DesmondHoward">@DesmondHoward</a> So ..... who's gonna be the Texas Coach next year? Peterson? Smart? Briles? Petrino? Patterson?</p>— Mr. Coffey (@Que_Bueno) <a href="https://twitter.com/Que_Bueno/statuses/377027793231413248">September 9, 2013</a></blockquote>
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This guy wants to change the subject too. Important Mark May didn't even favorite the tweet.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/mark_may">@mark_may</a> Is it fun being dominated by that old guy with the lisp every Saturday?</p>— Dan Collier (@dc8981_dan) <a href="https://twitter.com/dc8981_dan/statuses/359088665747668994">July 21, 2013</a></blockquote>
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In this tweet both the important person and the little person are able to reach 100% of something, but the very important Lou Holtz had no time for conversation.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/ESPNDrLou">@ESPNDrLou</a> life is 80 percent perception, 20 percent reality.</p>— thatguy333 (@Patrick89330083) <a href="https://twitter.com/Patrick89330083/statuses/268819340336443392">November 14, 2012</a></blockquote>
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Even an inspirational quote from Bill Cosby couldn't inspire this little person from expressing his displeasure with the very important Mack Brown. And the very important Mack Brown couldn't find the time to retweet for a passionate fan.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/UT_MackBrown">@UT_MackBrown</a> too bad we lose every fucking game!!</p>— Antonio Vintimilla (@Ronaldoooope) <a href="https://twitter.com/Ronaldoooope/statuses/344234846882758658">June 10, 2013</a></blockquote>
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And this is just a weird question for the fake coach of Nebraska, but of course he didn't answer.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/FauxPelini">@FauxPelini</a> did u forget to breastfeed your players before the game?</p>— Chris Davis (@csquared118) <a href="https://twitter.com/csquared118/statuses/373978181579317248">September 1, 2013</a></blockquote>
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Here's Ubben and some other very important people talking about Baker Mayfield's crotch. The important people didn't even have the courtesy to give the little person that tweeted them an acknowledgement.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/davidubben">@davidubben</a> I think we all know it was more of an "upper" thigh bruise.</p>— Sarah Crutchfield (@S_Crutchfield) <a href="https://twitter.com/S_Crutchfield/statuses/378578066882039808">September 13, 2013</a></blockquote>
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Every Day Should Be Saturday won't even take a few seconds to block me.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/edsbs">@edsbs</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/lukezim">@lukezim</a> WE DON'T SPELL ON THURSDY AND WE DON'T DO MATH ON SATURDY.</p>— SARR (@SARR_SBN) <a href="https://twitter.com/SARR_SBN/statuses/378310266393358336">September 13, 2013</a></blockquote>
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And last but not least we'll focus on a famous cat. This cat is probably the biggest name on Twitter and he rudely never responds to the little people that respond to the tidbits he sends out. It's the ultimate example of what's wrong with Twitter.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/Garfield">@Garfield</a> get off the internet and i wont send my cousins around to your house with tranquilizer gun and a woodchipper</p>— Soul James (@Soul_James) <a href="https://twitter.com/Soul_James/statuses/377450366448574466">September 10, 2013</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/Garfield">@Garfield</a> By KICKING you off a CLIFF</p>— Eric (@RealSkeleton) <a href="https://twitter.com/RealSkeleton/statuses/368375326029541377">August 16, 2013</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/Garfield">@Garfield</a> this recipe made my tiny son projectile vomit at our grandmother's birthday party. thanks a bunch, shithead</p>— football!!!! !!! (@ratonjn) <a href="https://twitter.com/ratonjn/statuses/361859136188723202">July 29, 2013</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/Garfield">@Garfield</a> I'm sitting in a dark, damp room right now. I've been sitting here for a long time. I'm waiting. Waiting for you to JUST DIE CAT..</p>— Ryan Jones (@MildlyAdequate) <a href="https://twitter.com/MildlyAdequate/statuses/355659608313958401">July 12, 2013</a></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/sweetviolet79">@sweetviolet79</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/MildlyAdequate">@MildlyAdequate</a> Dear Clair Stay out of this!! This is between us and that fat orange bastard shit head cat. Thanks.</p>— Dick Longflop (@BrendonWan) <a href="https://twitter.com/BrendonWan/statuses/355717268140855297">July 12, 2013</a></blockquote>
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Twitter would be a much better place if the big important people would start paying attention to all us little guys.
We're just trying to have a conversation.