The trip started off innocently enough. The first few miles were relatively calm as we trudged down the expressway. It was raining softly so the sound of the windshield wipers swishing back and forth matched up nicely with the song Bed Springs by STARLIFE FAM that the nice gentleman behind us was listening to on his headphones. The gentleman really liked the song because he listened to it for the entire trip, except when rudely interrupted.
After about thirty minutes the young lady sitting beside us decided she really needed a mother sharkweekin cigarette and placed the blame for taking the mother sharkweekin bus squarely on her husband's shoulders. Her husband, in turn, calmly reminded his bride that he didn't know the sharkweekin password for Netflix and she was a stupid SHARKIN SHARKWEEKIN SHARK because he wanted to watch a SHARKWEEKIN movie on his MOTHER SHARKWEEKIN phone and she never had the MOTHER SHARKWEEKIN password when he needed it.
Then he made a sandwich and ate in silence.
Not wanting to be outdone, the nice young couple sitting behind us began to discuss who, in their relationship, was more sharkweekin "tight.' The Bed Springs gentleman was insistent that he was in fact tight, and he continually proves to his girl and the world his high level of tightness. His lady friend disagreed. She was much more tight than he, and listed many reasons why. In fact, as soon as they got back to the sharkweekin Bronx, she would call her sharkweekin dad, have him transfer some sharkweekin money, then go to the MOTHER SHARKWEEKIN Western Union to pay him back for the sharkweekin slots she played.
In my opinion, there is no better way to prove your tightness bona fides.
A few quiet minutes of solace followed and we all settled back into the gentle rhythms of windshield wipers and STARLIFE FAM. A lady two rows up on our left sat sideways the entire trip. Sideways meaning she was facing us. Facing us meaning she was staring at us. Staring at us for 2 1/2 hours. I couldn't help but think that she was seriously considering eating us.
My man Frank was sitting in the back and he had an intimate conversation with several people using his speaker phone. I don't know Frank, but it feels like we've been friends for years because he was kind enough to share details of his life with everyone on the bus.
I dozed off for a few minutes, still listening to Frank talk to Vinnie but was jolted awake when the Bed Springs gentleman expressed his opinion on the seating arrangements chosen by his lady friend. "YOU THE ONE THAT WANTED TO SIT BY THE MOTHER SHARKWEEKIN BAFROOM," he yelled.
The sideways sitting cannibal lady was licking her lips now.
"SHUT THE SHARK UP YOU DUMB MOTHERSHARKWEEKER AND STOP SHARKWEEKIN YELLING YOU LOUD MOTHER SHARKWEEKER," she replied.
He promptly apologized by announcing in a loud whisper that he had his sharkweekin headphones on but she still wanted to sit by the mother sharkweekin bafroom so she could take a sharkweekin dump.
This exchange apparently jarred the tragic memory of his lost Netflix password in the nice man beside us, so he expressed his displeasure again. He admitted to losing his phone, so he needed to borrow hers. He called his buddy and discussed the tragedy of not having the mother sharkweekin password to sharkweekin Netflix and now he has to sit on this sharkweekin bus and all he ate was a sharkweekin sanwhich.
His lovely wife needed her sharkweekin phone back so he hung up and she called home. She needed papi to get her mailbox key and go check the mail. Apparently, papi was busy and didn't want to check the mail which caused a bit of tension. 'YOU NEED TO EXPLAIN TO ME RIGHT NOW...DO WHAT I SAY...I'M TELLIN SHARKWEEKIN MOM...BULL SHARK ALL YOU DO IS SHARKWEEKIN GET SHARKWEEKIN HIGH...HELLO?...HELLO?...LITTLE SHARKWEEKIN MOTHER SHARKWEEKER HUNG UP ON ME AND I'M GONNA FIX THAT SHARK REAL FAST TOO"
She then expressed her extreme displeasure with the sideways sitting cannibal lady. "SHARKWEEKIN SIT STILL AND STOP MOVIN SO SHARKWEEKIN MUCH SHARK SHARK SHARK CAN'T PUT MY SHARKWEEKIN KNEES DOWN."
Her loving husband found this extremely humorous and seemed to magically forget about the sharkweekin Netflix password. She rested her head on his sharkweekin shoulder and they laughed about the SHARKWEEKIN MOTHER SHARKWEEKER sitting in front of them. It was a beautiful display of love.
The sharkweekin sideways sitting cannibal lady never flinched, and she never took her eyes off of us. She started to nod, slowly.
As we approached the Lincoln Tunnel the nice lady behind us needed to make a call. The conversation was only a few minutes in when she lost the signal. Fortunately, the person called her back and she had to explain why the signal was lost. "YO, WE'RE IN THE SHARKWEEKIN TUNNEL YO SO SHUT THE SHARK UP YO WHY ARE YOU BRINGIN HIM TO MY MOM'S I GOTTA GET OFF THIS SHARKWEEKIN BUS AND THEN CATCH A SHARKWEEKIN TRAIN SO YOU JUST GET YOUR SHARK TO SHARKWEEKIN BROOKLYN BY SHARKWEEKIN FIVE."
As the bus stopped at the station she started to get up and exit while continuing to give instructions on how to get to her mom's crib to the person on the sharkweekin phone. But before she could get down the aisle the Bed Springs gentleman stopped her. "You're the one that wanted to sit by the sharkweekin bafroom so you could take a sharkweekin dump," he calmly reminded her. "Wait your sharkweekin turn."
Everyone exited with little fanfare. The sideways sitting cannibal lady followed us for a while and told us she was never riding the bus again. We were relieved but walked away a little faster.
As we headed up the stairs to 42nd Street we saw the nice Netflix lady enjoying a cigarette while her husband played on her phone.
Needless to say the trip was more entertaining than a cat dressed like a shark chasing a baby duck on a mother sharkweekin Zoomba.
Football practice has started, Shark Week is here and we didn't get eaten in a NYC bus station. Life is good.
Now all we can do is wait for the sharkweekin Pulitzer for this sharkweekin story about true love on a bus.