The best story ever written about a man on a horse

Just let me get on my horse and I'll be on my way ossifer.

The best stories contain elements that grab your attention, rip out your heart and stomp on it, then gently try to put it back in your chest cavity before you die. I'm on a quest to find stories that do just that.

A few weeks ago I wrote a story about finding love in a Hacky Sack circle because it touched me on my heart.  I wasn't sure how long it would take to uncover another piece that moved me, but it happened last week.

I sent a tweet about a man and his horse and planned to write a short post about it but didn't have time over the weekend because I was watching basketball and swimming with sharks.

In this week's edition we'll breakdown a story about a man that simply wanted to enjoy a few beers at a bar with his horse but "society" and "rules" and "civility" rudely interrupted.

Naturally, this story takes place in Louisiana.  And because of that, most of the story is taken from the arrest affidavit. Here's what happened:

A Louisiana man was jailed early yesterday morning and charged with battery, public intimidation, and disturbing the peace after he rode his horse into a bar multiple times, and then lassoed a man and dragged him through a nearby parking lot.

The story starts off quickly but then gets a little vanilla.  Who hasn't got drunk and then rode their horse into a bar and lassoed a dude?  We need some more spice here guys.  Also what the hell is public intimidation?  Can we get some more details on this?

James Mouton was "highly intoxicated" at Cowboy's Saloon in Scott when he exited the bar and unloaded a horse from his vehicle parked outside. Witnesses told investigators that Mouton, 26, then "rode his horse inside the bar causing a severe disturbance." He subsequently left the building and continued riding the horse around the parking lot and a local street.

Ok, now we're getting somewhere.  He didn't just ride his horse into the bar, he caused a "severe disturbance."  Now this story has some legs.

When Mouton returned to the bar--still on horseback--he attempted to re-enter, but a patron escorted him and the animal outside.

What the hell is wrong with the patrons in Louisiana?  Sure, he caused a severe disturbance earlier, but he's obviously learned from his mistakes and just wants to re-enter the bar on his horse but some damn do-gooder escorted him outside.

Once back in the parking lot, Mouton allegedly "'roped' a man using lasso and pulled him to the ground." He then continued riding through the lot, dragging the 47-year-old victim at the end of his rope.

Duh. If you were in his shoes you would've done the exact same thing.  If you can't get back in the bar on your horse, you have to lasso a man and drag him around the parking lot or else you lose all face.  People shouldn't be walking around parking lots anyway.

Mouton eventually rode home on his horse, later returning to the saloon on foot.

I read another account that said he "galloped off to his parents house" which is much more romantic.  Picture an extremely drunk LSU fan, galloping away into the night like Sir Lancelot trying to rescue his parents at the trailer park.

He also showed his extreme bravery by returning to the saloon without his horse.  Not sure why he came back, but he did, and it was awesome.  He saw the police were there so he tried to hide behind some buildings but they were hot on his trail.  Finally (and sadly) he was caught.

Discovered by police hiding behind a horse trailer, Mouton was taken to the parish jail.

In my opinion, this was his only mistake of the night.  If you are extremely drunk, and have been riding your horse into the bar and lassoing dudes, and you gallop away but come back, you probably don't want to hide behind the horse trailer.  I'm no cop, but one of the first places I would look is behind the horse trailer if I was looking for the guy that was riding his horse in the bar and lassoing dudes. This is probably what all the cops saw because they're robots:

Cowboyup_medium

Yes, it was the middle of the night, but the robot cops saw our hero like it was broad daylight because they are robots. From the minute our hero stumbled back to the saloon from his mom's house, he never had a chance.

And finally, there was this from the arrest affidavit:

Mr. Mouton told Sergeant Dean that he personally knows his boss and would make Sergeant Dean suffer.  He also stated that he would confront Sergeant Dean off-duty in reference to his arrest.

So my advice to Sergeant Dean is this:  If your robot boss invites you out for a beer, and your sitting there drinking beer with your boss and you look up and see a man approaching your table on a horse, swinging a rope, you better get on home, even if you are a robot.  Somebody wants to confront you in reference to his arrest.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join Viva The Matadors

You must be a member of Viva The Matadors to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Viva The Matadors. You should read them.

Join Viva The Matadors

You must be a member of Viva The Matadors to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Viva The Matadors. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker