With the outbreak of athletes signing up to endorse adult diapers I thought I would look into products that Big 12 coaches could represent in the future. Here goes...
Gary Patterson: Sham-Wow! Move over towel girl, sham-wow has enough absorbency to soak up a whole game's worth of Gary Patterson's sweat and still wipe away Casey Pall Malls tears after he loses in Lubbock on September 12th. Note: Casey Pall Mall meeting Vince the Sham Wow Guy is likely to result in a party that would make Amy Winehouse jealous.
Mack Brown: Life Alert Bracelet he already wears one around the 40 acres, however, instead of calling 911 it goes straight to Major Applewhite...bad news for Mack, even if Applewhite isn't too busy philandering with a CoEd, he is more likely to give Chris Simms mouth to mouth than call an ambulance for Clapping Mack.
Bob Stoops: ADT Home Security systems, he'll even do one of those hokey commercials where he comes home just in time to scare off the perpetrator (Vince Young likely to be cast as the perp, it'll be a stretch for Vince to play this role in a house instead of a Skrip Club)
Dana Holgerson: Extense and Axe Body Spray. Don't know if it's because of the leather jackets or his resemblance of Matthew McConaghey but something about Holgerson screams "I buy products that are only advertised on SPIKE TV"
Paul Rhoads: Robitussin/Claritin/Oven Cleaner/Draino- I don't know much about Iowa, but I have a friend who went to a small college there and 2 things he mentioned that stuck out to me: (1) you can take back empty bottle and get cash for them (coin may be a better term than cash) and (2) Iowa has a massive meth problem. So I can only assume that Iowans would want to cook their meth with supplies endorsed by Paul Rhoads.
Mike Gundy: Androgel. As we know Gundy is a man and he is 40, which coincidentally puts him at high risk of suffering from Low-T. Add in his overuse of hair spray and irritability, and it is clear that Gundy is the posterboy for Low-T suffers everywhere (cough Skip Bayless cough)
Art Briles: Briles Bail Bonds (reality show) Briles has partially built his team with players whose legal troubles forced them out of bigger programs (See: Phil Taylor and Shawn Oakman, though I wouldn't put Oakman's troubles on the same level as Taylor's). This combined with Briles no-nonsense facial expressions make him a shoe in to replace Dog the Bounty Hunter after the Dog is tragically strangled in his sleep by his own mullet.
Charlie Weis: Man-pons. Not since Ruffin McNeill went to ECU has the Big 12 seen this much butt sweat. Unless McNeill decides to jump on the man-pon endorsement train, Weis is a shoe in to be talking about super absorbency and leak protection.
Bill Snyder: Magic the Gathering- Bill Snyder is a wizard so it's only appropriate he promote a product centered around Magic.
Kliff Kingsbury: King will forego slinging other people's products to promote his own line of cologne ATMO. Spoiler alert, it smells like fresh air because it's just air in a cologne bottle, but people will buy it like crazy because everyone loves Kliff.
Johnny Football's parents: The Total Transformation Child Behavior Program. (Not a Big 12 coach but it was just too easy)