This is supposed to be sarcastic, if you don't realize this by the end of reading it I feel sorry for you. If you attempt any of the following, then I feel even more sorry for you
8) Acquire Devonte Fields phone number, post a craigslist ad with Fields contact info stating you are giving away free labradoodles and miniature goats. Everyone loves labradoodles and miniature goats so Fields will be too tired to pass rush after dealing with inquires about free animals all night. (Disclaimer: this does actually work, so be careful with it)
7) Chant DUI every time Casey Pall Mall takes the field.
6) Replace Gary Patterson's shoelaces with Twizzlers
5) Make the entire TCU team take a drug screen before the game...no pass, no play
4) Kidnap Gary Patterson's towel girl and send in the Dancing Ginger instead… I can hear Patterson now: "Quit shaking your groove thing and just get me a towel! There’s not even music playing!!!!!"
3) Report Chad Glasgow to the NSA for working as a KGB spy for the USSR (that's right the Communist Russians, not the Putin ones). How is you defense going to get a stop without a middle-aged white guy screaming at players every time they come off the field?
2) Have the LPD do a "random" sniff test of the TCU bus, rumor has it Ontario Smith is on the coaching staff at TCU to teach them proper use of the Whizzinator so #5 might not work, but there’s no getting around Rin Tin Tin’s sniffer.
1) For the bachelors out there, seduce towel girl and convince her to replace Patterson's towels with malnourished and rabid Honey Badgers...good luck coaching with your eyes scratched out Patterson.