So I signed up for the Twitter last week. I feel like the new kid in school. None of the cool kids pay attention to me, and most of the time I get shoved into my locker. I've been out there trying to crack some jokes, but no one will respond. How many followers do you have? Are you verified? Have anyone famous ever RT your shit?
Eh, I'll pass. Where's Diddy?
Screw you cool guys. Screw you Metta World Peace. I'm just trying to offer advice on rapping. Why won't you answer me? I WANTED TO GO TO YOUR NURSES AND NERDS PARTY BUT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN ANSWER ME EVEN AFTER I WAS AT THE BAR LOOKING FOR YOUR STUPID ASS. I CAN HELP YOU METTA BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW I EXIST. WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME?
OK, so I'm a nerd. I LOVE tater tots stuffed in my Members Only jacket. I save them for lunch.
Sue me cool guys and Metta World Peace. I hate you. I'll never help you be a major rapper.
Despite these issues, I jumped into a Twitter conversation tonight and was immediately issued a challenge by one of the "cool guys" in the dangerous Twitter world. Here's how it went:
COOL GUY: Find me a picture of a prairie dog riding a shark in Muleshoe, TX, and the shark better be on a pepper with cheese or I'm kicking your ass and stuffing you in your locker.
ME: Ok cool guy, I think I can abide. I remember that my grandma saved EVERYTHING. She kept all my stuff, even the weird things, and put it all in the attic. I bet I can find a picture like that.
So I braved the humidity and heat and climbed into the attic, in the dark to appease the cool guy on Twitter. I scrambled around for what seemed like hours, but I finally found it.
I found the picture. Screw you, cool guy. Bam:
I found a picture of a prairie dog riding a shark that's spitting queso while balancing on a jalepeno pepper in Muleshoe Texas.
Where you at Metta? How's your Rap Olympics now? Changing your mind yet? You want some queso?
Did I mention the shark is spitting queso?
Thank you grandma! Thank you for saving this picture so I can finally be cooler than the cool guys! Up yours Metta!
I'm entering this picture for nomination going forward. We can use it for anything we like.
Screw you Twitter and all your social madness! We have a shark and a prairie dog in Muleshoe Texas! We don't need you! I don't need you Metta or anybody in your crew.
But please follow me on Twitter