Please consider this the formal request for consideration for Lubbock, Texas, to host the Summer Olympics in July of 2020. Those of us on the proposal team have full confidence that our hometown offers a unique experience that none of those other loser cities can offer. We've spent months researching and validating our data so prepare to be blown away by our offer. When you are finished with this proposal, we're certain that you'll call all the other mayors and laugh in their faces. Our people, our facilities, our determination, and our spirit make Lubbock the only logical choice. You're welcome.
2020 Proposal Reason 1: Our People
West Texans and Lubbockites (past and present) are a unique people. We have a passion for life that's unmatched. We get up every morning and attack the day. Bring on your dust storms and your dustnados and your haboobs and your rain and your bad news and whatever you've got because we don't care. We'll scrape the dust and bad news out of our breakfast and think about ways to be more awesome than we were the day before. It's because of this passion that your visit to Lubbock will be unforgettable. Plus, we'll take you to all the best strip clubs. None of those shady ones like you'll find in other cities. Only the best.
Our people are also extremely passionate about the Olympics. Simply put, we love 'em. Nothing gets a Lubbockite going like a good ol' Olympic game. We conducted extensive polling and found that Lubbock really likes the Olympics. You can find results in the chart below:
Disclaimer: Citizens were not allowed to include Tech football, beer, or hot chicks in the list of things they liked.
As you can see, Lubbock LOVES the Olympics. West Texans chose the Olympics over babies and children and nice things by almost 5 to 1. Are you kidding me? We love some Olympics! We will amaze you with our love for Olympics when you're here.
2020 Proposal Reason 2: Our Facilities
If we were forced to list our biggest advantage, it would definitely be one thing and one thing only: Space and Facilities.
We have miles and miles of open space and tons of facilities. That's the one thing that separates us from terrible cities like New York. We can build whatever we need to build in no time, and for much cheaper. And we also don't have rats in our subway, or a subway. We'll convert Loop 289 into the marathon/cycling route easy. There's also a pretty flat spot between Quaker and Slide where we can set up for the 100m, or 200m, or even hurdles, whatever. Whatever you need, we can set it up. We can also convert the signs on the cheap. The world economy will appreciate this. A few cans of spray paint and we'll save Greece. Greece invented the Olympics, BTW.
We've also got BIG plans for the Olympic Stadium. We'll build it at Joyland, but keep the park intact. That way we'll kill two birds with one stone- Olympic majesty and history coupled with rides on the ferris wheel and fried corn dogs. Fun for the whole family! You can watch some Russian chick break the world record in the pole vault while your kid is riding on the Tilt O'Whirl. Worlds collide in perfect harmony! That's how we think in Lubbock. Colliding harmony.
So we've got most of the track and field covered, and cycling and hurdles. Here's where the other events will be held:
Fencing- Municipal Coliseum
Basketball- Maybe Shallowater?
Tennis- Lubbock Country Club
Diving/Rowing- Ransom Canyon
Shot Put and Long Jump- South Plains Mall
VolleyBall and Skeet Shooting- That big barn in Levelland
Weightlifting- Chili's (on University)
Horses/Hammer Throw/Trampoline- TBD
Grecko Greek Roman Wrestling: At the Y
Archery: Rip Griffin's?
As you can see, we are still eight years out and we already have most of the venues lined up. We will definitely have a place for everybody by 2018 at the latest.
2020 Proposal Reason 3: Our Determination and Spirit
I mean seriously. What else is there to say? We are determined to win this deal. We have Ryan Hyatt and Don Williams waiting in the wings to call gymnastics and swimming in prime tIme (both BIG TIME ratings winners). They will definitely root for Americans and you'll never hear either one utter the phrase "That Russian gymnast is just so majestic and artistic with a beautiful release off the uneven bars" Screw. That.
We're American and we'll root for Americans. Here's a sample of the West Texas poetry you can expect:
Ryan Hyatt: GOYOUBEAUTIFULAMERICANGYMNASTBECAUSEYOUOWNTHATPOMMELHORSE!!!!
HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED ABOUT THE BIRTH OF THE POMMEL HORSE? I CAN SEE ANCIENT MEN CHALLENGING EACH OTHER TO A FOOT RACE, OR A DUEL TO SEE WHICH WARRIOR COULD SWIM THE FASTEST. BUT WHO CAME UP WITH THE POMMEL HORSE?
"HEY, I BET YOU 3 CHICKENS I CAN SWING MY LEGS IN A SCISSOR-LIKE FASHION OVER THAT LOG MUCH BETTER THAN YOU. I ALWAYS SWING MY LEGS IN A SCISSOR-LIKE FASHION OVER LOGS EVERY DAY."
"OH, YEAH, WATCH THIS! I'LL SWING MY LEGS IN A SCISSOR-LIKE FASHION AND THEN DO A HANDSTAND ON THIS LOG AND SPIN AROUND A FEW TIMES BEFORE I JUMP OFF. GIVE ME 3 CHICKENS! BITCH!!!!"
NBC cuts back to swimming and Don Williams:
OTHERCOUNTRIES. AMERICAROCKS. ILOVEAMERICASOMUCHINEEDTOEATABURGERRIGHTNOW!!
I LOVE AMERICA AND CHEESE BURGERS!!!!
NBC cuts to Bob Costas with a fearful look on his face...
That's what you can expect and that's what I want to hear in 2020. And I'll say it right here-that's what the world wants to hear. The world wants to hear West Texas going crazy for America.
That's why the Olympics in 2020 belong in beautiful Lubbock Texas. Is there any other choice?
P.S. If, for some unexplained reason, you don't choose Lubbock for the Summer Games, please consider this a proposal for the winter games of 2022. We can hold most of the events in Lubbock and can do the skiing and stuff in Ruidoso. USA rules!
LUBBOCK TEXAS AMERICA RULES!
End of proposal. Let us know ASAP.