What have you done?
The players have been hard at work for the last several weeks, sweatin and bleedin. The coaches have been logging 18 hour days since Easter. The poor trainers and support staff have been doing the laundry. Non stop. Every day, doing the laundry. Fire the washer up. FIre the dryer up. Every day. Wash that laundry. Good times.
Double-T Nation is primed and ready and this race is about to start.
The bugle is blaring and the thoroughbreds are nervous. Horsemen will tell you their greatest joy is when their horses break from the gate. That's because anything is still possible. Even the long shots can win, and they sometimes do. So what are you doing to help our horse?
I know what I'll be doing next Saturday. I'm booked on the 1st, and every Saturday til Christmas. I've got a very important job to do.
During the game, on third down, I'm getting my ass behind the couch.
I've made this contribution to the team for as long as I can remember. I was hiding behind the couch in diapers.
Yes, we lost most of those games, but I was there. Behind the couch with my diaper and my bottle of Coke. Don't hate. My mom knew I needed the caffeine.
Fast forward to 2002, I had a ton of great couch crouches that year, and in the seasons that followed.
I hid behind the couch until the last second during the bowl game versus Minnesota in 2006.
I've got the couch hide down, like a champ. I busted my ass in 2007 and especially in 2008. I accidentally peed on the couch in 2009, but it worked.
I scrambled in 2010, but made a huge impact when it was all over. I ripped a tiny hole in the back of the couch and buried some chicken bones, so don't tell my wife. Those chicken bones helped. We won 8 games.
But last year was terrible. We tried several variations of getting behind the couch, but nothing seemed to work. We tried:
We made a monkey and a donkey and a Shetland pony get behind the couch. It didn't work.
We made a Doege poster with a bear and a shark. Doege is Doege, but it didn't work.
We put Will Ferrell behind the couch with a handful of balls. It didn't work.
Finally, we caught the couch on fire. It still didn't work.
It seemed to get worse as the season progressed. We had the grizzly wolf shirt Doege early on and we tried to shock the monkey and we even brought Britney Spears in to try and break the spell. Nothing seemed to work. Not even Will Ferrell ice skating with a handful of balls behind the couch worked. Nothing worked.
Where are we as a society if googling a man with a handful of balls and then photoshopping him behind a couch doesn't serve as adequate motivation for greatness? What is this world comng to? WTF?
Yes, we finished 5-7 last year and it was devastating for me. I'll be honest, I gave up on the last couple of games and didn't even try. Nothing worked. I didn't log into the game day threads in November and I've regretted it ever since. I didn't even post a picture of Will Ferrell with a handful of balls.
The situation was THAT bleak.
But not this year baby. Not in 2012. We will find a meme, or a theme, or a picture, or something we can do during the game to make a difference.
WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR 2-3 WINS IN 2012! YOU CAN TYPE REALLY AGGRESSIVELY ON THE INTERNET OR DO SOMETHING AT HOME THAT SCARES YOUR KIDS, BUT MAKE A DIFFERENCE, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO PUNCH A WAITER! YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! TYPE AGGRESSIVELY AND POST PICTURES!
We will face tough times this year. There will be occasions when the internet is about to explode. We have to overcome. I've put together some ideas to help us through the difficult Saturdays, and to guide us home like a beautiful beacon in the night.
The great ocean god Poseidon has committed to getting his ass behind the couch:
We know we're in good shape if Poseidon is swinging his big beautiful ocean sword behind our couch. Poseidon is lord of the ocean, and now we have him behind our couch! Sweet.
We also have giant Alf rooting for us:
Sure, Giant Alf will probably eat all of our babies and put the Beach Boys on an endless loop in the City Square but at least he's behind our couch right now!
GIANT ALF IS WITH US IN 2012! HE WILL EAT OUR BABIES AND MAKE US LISTEN TO THE BEACH BOYS BUT WE LOVE GIANT ALF! GIANT ALF IS A TECH FAN!
DAMN THE TORPEDOES!
Plus, we always have Gangnam on our side. Korean dancers (especially in parking garages and elevators) are HUGE:
And, if for whatever reason, nothing works, we can always deny everything.
I didn't read shit! I didn't see shit! This season never happened! I was behind the couch! What are you talking about?
So, if you've got a picture, or a GIF, or an encouraging comment, please share. We need good vibes. We need you. Where you at?
P.S. I'm on the Twitter now. Follow me @FakeWillyTravis if you want. Free candy and cash. No pressure though.