A couple of weeks ago...
Larry Scott: Hello?
David Boren: Yeah Larry, This is OU. We're #1 in the country and we have been like... oh, I don't know... maybe 100 times. Anyway, we're comin' to play in your sandbox.
Scott: Hey, 10-4. I figured you'd call. I've got Deloss Dodds on hold. I'm not takin' the call.
Boren: Yeah, don't. Let them sweat it out.
Scott: Anyway, I suppose you're bringing that other school... the copycats with the rich guy, and the crazy coach who is 40.
Boren: Yeah. And we're bringing Texas Tech too. They're the only team in Texas that doesn't totally creep us out, and they give us a good game every other year... and we like recruiting in West Texas... but mainly because it will piss UT off.
Scott: Sounds like a deal, besides, we need their help with what we've got planned for the Longhorns.
Boren: Oh, this sounds excellent.
Scott: Yeah, right now they are screwed. Everyone admits they overplayed their hand. They could have come last summer and they would have gotten whatever they want. But their stupidity this summer was just... so Missouri with a hint of Aggie. Anyway, they are out of options. ACC won't take 'em, SEC don't want 'em, Big 10 won't put up with their shit. They can go Independent in football, but that is a non-starter. With super-conferences even BYU and Notre Dame are looking to join conferences. Texas is stuck out. I suppose they can join BYU and Notre Dame and have a 3 team religious cult conference.
Boren: Yeah, Satan, the Antichrist, and the False Prophet... oh, shit, add Baylor too, with that lawyer they have running the place they can be the Devil's Advocate.
Scott: Well, listen, you might not like this, but we do want to add Texas. Their ignorant, in-bred T-shirt fans watch Texas games and we need to split up that revenue, but we definitely "Bevo" them first. That means we'll emasculate them.. you know, cut off their nuts.
Boren: I do know what castration is. I used to be a Senator.
Scott: Anyway, we'll play them off for a couple of weeks and let them act like they're the big gorilla throwing their weight around. Then they'll call back and we'll put it to them.
Boren: Alright, but it better be good!
A FEW WEEKS LATER
Bill Powers: Larry? Why haven't you been taking my calls?
Scott: Because we don't give a shit about you, Bill. We've already got OU, OSU, and Tech. We can add whomever we want for the 16th.
**Bill Powers looks that up in his handy truth-to-uT speak translation handbook: "anything negative said to you means that they are jealous and that they want to be UT")**
Powers: Oh, I see that you are jealous of our power and you want us really bad. You wish you were a Longhorn.
Scott: No, I said that you are a bunch of assholes and we hope hell opens up underneath you and swallows you up. And... you were 5-7 last season. And your coach is a robot. And none of your quarterbacks are Doege at all.
Powers: (looking at translation handbook) I see that you are nervous about our awesome power and that you can't wait to sign us up for your little league over there.
Scott: We don't want you.
Powers: I see that you want us.
Scott: I'm hanging up.
Powers: Wait.. just wait. (sighs and throws away translation handbook) Ok, we overplayed our hand. We're fooked, and we need help.
Scott: Now we can talk.
Powers: Please take us?
Scott: Give up everything and call me your daddy.
Powers: Ok, but don't make us eat the whole crow at one time. Throw us a bone. Let us keep a shell of the LHN. You can gut the shit out of it, but don't humiliate us in front of the thinking whole world and Craig James.
Scott: Ok, but in the contracts we are going to BEVO the crap out of the LHN.
Powers: Fine. And... and... please let us tell everyone we won.
Scott: Whatever. Anything else?
Powers: And when this gets reported, we already got ESPN to say that UT and OU are leading the charge out of the Big 12. Okie Lite and Tech are just afterthoughts. I'd really rather not read that OU, OSU, and TT already had this deal inked weeks ago.
Scott: Whatever again. Anything else, Jerky?
Powers: Before you pound us in the back seat, will you tell us you love us and tell us we're pretty?
Scott: Yeah.. all that. Get in the back seat and drop 'em darlin'.