Third time's the charm.
After presenting the contract & quiz in the weeks after you were hired, and then again last year before the A&M game, we're giving you another opportunity. Please, please agree to the terms this time. If you want us to make some concessions, let us know. We're pretty flexible. Sure we have some hard & fast demands, but we definitely want to come to an agreement. We'll even give up on the whole "beat Iowa State thing" if necessary. We know how difficult that can be.
We've even tried to pitch in on the quiz. This year, we know you'll pass as long as you choose the answer in bold. For real. Think of it as an open book exam.
All changes (and answers to the quiz) are in bold. We're really trying to get on your train. Sign the contract and pass the quiz and we'll take the speed rail to Championshipville with you.
Take a look.
Revised- Revised Contract & Agreement Last Revision, November 4th, 2011 Effective October 29, 2010 November 4, 2011 this Agreement and binding Contract (the "Agreement") sets forth the agreement between Tommy Tuberville (hereinafter referred to as "Catfish Jesus"), the group of - pissed off fans- slow to buy-in fans (hereinafter referred to as "Yes, We're still here") and the group of optimistic fans (hereinafter referred to as "Runnin on fumes"). Collectively both fan groups (Yes, We're still here and Runnin on fumes) will be referred to as "DTN"
In order to appease the diverse and expanding fan base (DTN), Catfish Jesus agrees to:
1. Win games. We're not kidding. Rebuilding is for towns hit by a hurricane. We don't have hurricanes and we damn sure don't have Cyclones. Win the damn games and stop losing to the damn Cyclones.
a. Beat UT (hereinafter referred to as "Please, please watch our new channel, please")
-next year- Saturday. We're not quite to that 20% threshold yet. We pissed away a great opportunity in 2010. Don't piss away opportunities. OU stomped their ass this year and we want to do the same. We want joy. Don't rob us of our joy. We're petty and small. So what? UT sucks. Bevo sucks. Don't take that from us. Give us the joy.
Beat A&M (hereinafter referred to as "Alumni responsible for 97% of maroon automobile sales in the US and Guam" Les Miles and Nick Saban's rotating booty call). - C'mon Dude. Never mind, we'll never enjoy beating the Ags again. Thanks for that. Aggies suck. You better put them on the schedule so we can make fun of them. Damn this pisses me off. Move on. Next question.
c. Beat any other teams on the schedule, including the mighty Iowa States. Cyclones suck. Seriously? I have to revise this? Quick question: When is the last time a Cyclone hit Iowa? Answer: The last time you beat them. C'mon man. Beat Iowa State. This should be the easiest part of your incentive plan.
a. Let's start AGAIN, by winning tomorrow. Then we'll worry about the next game. Then the next game. Let's win the LHN Bowl Championship this week. I'll even send you a belt buckle and a trophy. We want to win this game. UT sucks. Bevo sucks. One time, an old pirate told me "our goal is to win one game a week" Let's listen to that old pirate. I'll send you a belt buckle if you do this. It says "championship". We'll even throw in a subscription to the LHN.
Ensure that student athletes remain students and graduate.
a. Exhibit A: We know about Hanspard. He kept us from a bowl. Make the kids go to class, and graduateBUT, LET'S BE CLEAR, DTN WANTS TO GO TO A BOWL. Accomplishing both is possible. We remember.
b. Exhibit B: Tell us what Scott Smith did and let us vote on his reinstatement. Maybe we could have him sit in a desk at the 50 yard line for a few hours? A shed? Did he fold you up and put you in his pocket? C'mon, what did he do? Let's get him on the field. He eats ferrets.
c. Exhibit C: Suspend players if they fall asleep in the Taco Bell drive thru, donkey punch their girlfriend, or have a 0.0 GPA. Otherwise, let us vote on their punishment. We have earned that right. We're good with the polls.
4. Fix our administration.
a. While impossible to accomplish while employed by the university, Catfish Jesus agrees to shed light on the incompetence in the Bell Tower after he leaves the university.
b. Catfish Jesus will write a book filled with jokes about Gerald Myers (hereinafter referred to as "Mustardo Jimenez") and Kent Hance (hereinafter referred to as "Silent Scare."). -
c. The book shall include graphic illustrations and charts & graphs. DTN likes charts and graphs. DTN gets distracted easily. We know Craig James (hereinafter referred to as "pimps don't cry" ) has pictures. Include those.
d. Don’t charge $7.50 for a beer at fundraising events. This isn’t a rich state like Alabama. DTN is on a budget. In fact, skip some of the fundraising events and help your young coordinators figure out what the hell they are doing.
Maybe you could pitch in on special teams too.
FORGET THIS WHOLE SECTION (EXCEPT FOR CHARTS & GRAPHS AND FREE BEER), JUST WIN THE DAMN GAME. WE"LL WORRY ABOUT GRADUATION RATES IN MAY. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE STUDYING, THIS IS FOOTBAW SATURDY TIME.
5. Read the DTN Blog daily.
a. There is lots of free advice and coaching strategies. DTN members are here to help. DTN members are football geniuses. Several DTN members will be in the hall of fame someday, and most played high school football. Some still wear their letter jackets. EVERYONE ON DTN IS A CERTIFIED FOOTBALL EXPERT. TAP INTO THAT. TAP INTO THAT DTN. TAP THAT.
-Assuming all stipulations are met, DTN expects you to retire in Lubbock. See: Attachment A: A Case Study of David McWilliams (hereinafter referred to as "Kiffin before Kiffin was Cool"). Don’t even think about trying to pull that. But, if you do, make sure we can get Dana Holgerson (hereinafter referred to as "The Bald Mullett Ballet"). Pull some strings and get that dude back in Lubbock-. OK, so we know this isn't likely to happen, so let's just hold hands and jump in together. Buy a house dude. Lubbock is a great place to live. Move outta that double wide. I know a realtor.
6. Get us back on TV. You've done OK with this, especially now that 108 channels show games. Keep us on TV though. Don't screw this up. WE PAID A SHITLOAD FOR OUR HDTV'S AND WE WANT TO USE THEM ON FOOTBAW SATURDY.
a. DTN is tired of internet feeds and poor radio transmissions. In order to do this keep us on TV, you will need to:
i. -Put an exciting product on the field and WIN-. WIN
ii. Say some crazy shit during interviews. BUT LEAVE OUT THE WORDS "YOUNG AND WIND"
iii. WIN. REALLY.
iiii. CELEBRITY PERSONA IDEAS:
Maybe you could eat a bucket of chicken on the sideline? Get a face tattoo? You need something to make you stand out. Separate yourself from all those other CEO coaches. Wear a fur coat during games? Something. I vote for the fur coat.
b. We want to try and get Musberger drunk. We can't do that over the internet. (this is still very important. DTN really wants to see Musberger drunk)
In return for adhering to all of the above, DTN agrees to:
1. Cheer for the team. YES, WE STILL DO THIS.
When attending games in person, DTN will tailgate, eat as much as possible, and carry a flask in their boots.-will build a wooden Trojan horse to sneak beer into the stadium and/or metal concerts.
This is common practice. DTN will do more of it. Some will even follow you to
Boulder, even if Ray Lewis isn't there. Missouri to wish those great guys the best as they head off to the SEC, home of the high academic standards that they've longed for.
When not attending in person, DTN will wildly pace their living rooms and yell loudly until the kids cry. It will be necessary to keep the windows closed so as not to scare the neighbors. Some will make their father-in-law lay on the floor with one foot on the coffee table. Some will listen to the game in the garage, refusing all urges to drink another beer. Some will change shirts several times during the game. This is DTN's way of helping the team. You can thank us later. Several DTN members will pass out at their computer while trying to type funny shit after the game. Don't worry about this-. WHEN NOT ATTENDING IN PERSON WE WILL GET BEHIND THE COUCH AND WE WILL STILL MAKE THE KIDS CRY!
c. DTN will also post 2000-3000 comments in open gameday threads. Don't read these. They will make you cry. We don't want our head coach to cry. Man up. And don't read Ryan Hyatt's tweets because he likes us.
2. DTN will spell your name with only one (1) B.
3. - -
DTN will petition to remove all Vince Gill songs from Lubbock.
a. Mr. Gill closely resembles the former coach, Mike Leach (hereinafter referred to as "Krunck")
b. His songs aren’t that good anyway.
c. That golf cart video with George Jones was pretty cool.-
Screw all this. Vince Gill is washed up. I don't even know why we had it in the original contract.
However, DTN reserves the right to:
1. Boo if Catfish Jesus punts. -
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE DOWN BY 10 WITH 2 FRIGGIN MINUTES LEFT!- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE LOSING TO IOWA STATE AGAIN IN THE MOTHER HUMPIN 4TH QUARTER. STOP PUNTING. STOP THE DAMN PUNTING.
Insist that Catfish Jesus keeps a passing attack- . Screw that. Just score. Run it, we don't care. SCORE! SCORE! SCORE! This is ratified in 2011. Put Doege on a shark and let him swim into the end zone. SCORE!
3. Insist that Catfish Jesus call a timeout in the final minute of the game on Saturday. Then you have to run over to Mack and tell him to suck it. Then line up and score. WE DEMAND THIS.
4. Get pissed off and repost old contracts and rants about the glory days of mediocrity. YES, WE WILL DO THIS EVERY YEAR, ESPECIALLY NOW THAT WE HAVE KEYS TO THE FRONT PAGE!!!!
5. Buy a Pony voodoo doll and cook it in the microwave. Those poor dead hookers deserve to be vindicated and we will nuke a voodoo pony in the microwave every Saturday morning. EVERYSATURDAYMORNINGWEWILLCOOKASTUFFEDPONYTOREMEMBERTHOSEPOORHOOKERS.
6. Bitch about 2nd down draws. AND FIRST DOWN DRAWS. CUT THAT SHIT OUT. NO MORE DRAWS, UNLESS IT WORKS! BUT THEN, CUT THAT SHIT OUT.
Scream SHOCK THE MONKEY for no apparent reason-. This year it's all about wolves and sharks and getting behind the couch and how Britney Spears has really let herself go.
8. In addition, DTN reserves the right to refrain from calling you "The Riverboat Gambler".
a. Lubbock has no rivers.
b. Gambling is illegal.
Gambling" is going for it on 4th and 5 from your own 18 in the 4th quarter, not calling for the victory formation out of the shotgun.- We know gamblers and you aren't one, but that's ok. You are Catfish, and we are fine with that.
Now fin somebody's ass.
Having all parties adhere to the stipulations in the contract will ensure success and happiness. This agreement shall be binding upon the parties, their successors, assigns and personal representatives. Time is of the essence on all undertakings. This agreement shall be enforced under the laws of the State of Texas.
This is the entire agreement.
Signed the day and year first written above. Sign it this time. For real, sign it. Third time we've tried. SIGN THE DAMN CONTRACT.
Catfish Jesus: __________________________________
DTN : ____________________________________
Matador Intelligence Quiz
Designed to gauge your Texas Tech and West Texas Bona Fides- 3rd damn attempt
(Hint- you should boldly choose your answers. Make a bold decision. We boldly want you to pass the quiz this year. It's time to make a bold move)
1. What is more awesome?
d. Egg Machine Gun.
2. You lose a game that you should have won. This is a surprise to DTN because we were sure that was corrected after last year. Who's to blame?
3. When is it suitable to line up in the victory formation and take a knee?
a. When you are up by at least 10 points with a minute left.
b. When you are up by 3 with a minute left.
c. When you are up by 48 points with a minute left.
d. NEVER. THIS IS A HINT. NEVER EVER. THIS SHOULD BE EASY. THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE SEEN THIS. (PLEASE PICK D AS YOUR ANSWER. D IS DEFINITELY THE ANSWER)
4. Your wife wants to take a quick trip this weekend and get out of town. Do you:
a. Fly to Arkansas and hunt a duck.
b. Squeeze in a few fundraising lunches.
c. Tell her to shut up because you're trying to win that championship. She can go to KK's Craft Mall. We're even giving you the answers now. (PICK C! PLEASE PICK C. C IS THE CORRECT ANSWER)
d. Make the quick drive to Ruidoso and enjoy the mountain air.
5. How do you pronounce Ruidoso?
c. Who cares? We only pronounce cham pee yon ships around here. Multiple. WE WANT TO SAY IT ALOT! (C IS THE ANSWER AGAIN. MATHEMATICALLY, YOU'LL ALWAYS DO WELL IF YOU PICK C, BUT FOR REAL, I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE CORRECT ANSWER HERE. IT'S C)
6. What’s in the flask?
Yep. Water.Red Bull and donkey steroids. (Pick d here)
7. It's halftime and you're getting interviewed by the crew from Fox, what do you say?
a. We just gotta get the running game going.
b. We need to run the ball better.
c. We should run more.
d. We're gonna score 50 points in the 2nd half, and kick their ass. Then I'm gonna go up in the stands and kick the shit outta anybody that boos my players, even if that player's dad killed 5 hookers. Then I'm gonna punch you, Sean Hannity. I'm a BADASS!
8. Quick, choose one:
a. Get behind the couch
b. Britney Spears at the mall (either answer will work. Just pick A or B. Either will work)
9. When you need good football advice, where do you go?
a. Your diary after coaching for 30 years.
b. Make a call to Jimmy Johnson or Bill Belicheck
c. Hit Ray Lewis on the FaceBook
d. Log onto DTN (THE ANSWER AGAIN IS D. JUST A HINT)
10. Essay Question:
Please explain in great detail how you can win over a still somewhat divided fan base. Describe your plan in at least 500 words. (You can use the back of the paper if necessary)
Signed contract and completed quiz should be faxed in by midnight. We will contact you soon to discuss the results. Thanks for taking care of this, it will really help us at DTN.
We can make changes. It starts with beating Mack! Beat Texas and then smash their LHN cameras on your way outta Austin! Then call Mack and tell him how we want our turkey cooked next year because we're gonna kick their ass again and then eat turkey on Thanksgiving.