The competition this year was really stiff and I knew I was a long shot, at best. There were some really powerful and talented dads nominated and I was nervous. I jotted down a few notes on a napkin just prior to the announcement, just in case. When my name was called, I was shocked. Sure, you always think you have a chance, but it's surreal as soon as you hear your name booming over the loud speakers.
I tried my best to act casual as I walked toward the podium. My knees were shaking and I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I cleared my throat and began. I had a few people to thank.
Wow! Thank you everybody, thank you. No, no, sit down, sit down. Wow, this is great. Wow! Ok, ok, thank you.
This is such a great honor, to be named Dad of the Year, 2011. As many of you know, I've been trying to win this for a long time, but I always seemed to piss it away in the fall. This year was different. I've been able to spend so much more time with the wife and kids! My Saturdays have been virtually worry free, and my mind just seems more clear during the week. I've been able to teach my 10 year old how to ride a motorcycle, and my 2 year old can speak fluent Spanish. I've even found time to make new couture dresses for my wife and I've been growing homemade tacos. Nothing like a homemade taco, fresh outta the field. My family is so healthy now! This is just so great.
But, you know, we never get to a place like this on our own. It takes many hands to push you to the top of the fence post, and I'm no exception. I owe this trophy to a few great men, and I want to recognize them now.
First- thank you Kent Hance. Your foresight in wanting to bring in a football coach that can beat Texas more than 20% of the time was incredible. I knew we were in great hands when you made this pronouncement, so I checked that off my to-do list and taught my daughter how to hang crown molding. I know we are well on our way so I don't even bother watching the Texas game anymore. I know we're in good hands.
Secondly- I'd like to thank you, Gerald Myers. Yes, I'm looking at you, you good lookin' son of a gun, you! Stand up, Gerald! Stand up so we can cheer! You saw the need WAAAAYYY back in 2003 or 2004 to tighten the purse strings. You took away Mike Leach's ability to buy stamps, and look where we are now? We have a sweet parking garage with a bar on the roof so people can look into the empty stadium! YOU DA MAN GERALD MYERS! TAKE AWAY THOSE STAMPS SO WE CAN BUILD AN EMPTY GARAGE TO OVERLOOK AN EMPTY STADIUM!
And of course I'd be remiss if I didn't mention our head football coach. Thank you Coach Tuberville for teaching us that the spread offense really doesn't work anymore. We're looking forward to the 3 fullback sets next year! More excitement coming our way! During the past month I've taught my son how to prepare braised lamb chops with an fine asparagus cream sauce, and he's only two! There's so many things you can do when the games are over in the first 20 minutes! He's gonna be the next Emeril. Thanks coach.
And, last but not least, I gotta thank the big guy. Yes, I'm talking about the man upstairs. The man that calls all the shots. I WANT TO SAY A BIG THANK YOU TO JIM SOWELL! I would've never been able to win this award without you! Your vision for our school is unmatched. Your observation that "winning 11 games isn't a big deal" was so prescient. You are exactly right, it's not a big deal! Because of you, i've taught myself to play the guitar, left handed, and now I serenade my wife to sleep, every night outside our bedroom window. Thank you Jim Sowell for ruining my favorite football team but freeing my mind! I like to think of myself as having a Ted Nugent heart with an Art Garfunkel soul. I woulda never discovered that without you, Jim Sowell. Thank you from the bottom of my Ted Nugent heart.
So that's it. Thank you to all of these men of vision. My fireplace mantle is now complete. I'm the "Dad of the Year" and I have the trophy to prove it. SCOREBOARD! Thank you, great men of vision. I owe it all to you and your endless wisdom.
And, because of you, I can say I beat this guy. Finally!