I'M JIM ADLER THE TEXAS HAMMER AND I'M HERE TO GET YOU READY FOR THE KANSAS STATE WILDCATS AND GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE. NOT ONLY AM I THE TEXAS HAMMER I'M ALSO A CERTIFIED LIFE COACH! I MAKE LIVES BETTER WITH MY WORDS! I TOWER OVER YOUR STADIUM AND WATCH OVER YOU TO MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER. I WEAR AN AMERICAN CAPE! I'M THE HAMMER. GET IN LINE FOR THE TEXAS HAMMER! I'LL BE HERE MOST WEEKS WITH MY AMERICAN CAPE AND MY FREE ADVICE SO TAKE ADVANTAGE! WHO'S GOT THE FIRST QUESTION? YES, YOU BRANDON KELLY WITH THE HOT DOG, GO AHEAD.
Brandon Kelly: Thank you for taking my question Jim Adler the Texas Hammer. My question is: Have you seen the movie Drive and did it inspire you? It inspired me to throw a hot dog at Tiger Woods.
JIM ADLER: YOU DID WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU THROW A HOT DOG AT TIGER WOODS?
Brandon Kelly: Thanks for asking Jim Adler the Texas Hammer. I saw the movie Drive and as soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.
JIM ADLER: THAT'S CERTAINLY COURAGEOUS AND EPIC SON. I'M PROUD OF YOU FOR HAVING A DREAM AND ACTING ON IT. I...CAN...HOLD ON...YOU DID WHAT? YOU SAW A MOVIE AND THOUGHT THROWING A HOT DOG AT TIGER WOODS WOULD CHANGE THE WHAT?... OH, NEVER MIND. HERE'S MY CARD IN CASE YOUR HOT DOG EVER GETS RUN OVER BY AN 18 WHEELER. I ONCE GOT A MAN $18,302.47 AFTER HE GOT PRANK CALLED BY AN 18 WHEELER. WHO'S GOT THE NEXT QUESTION?
Bill Byrne, Athletic Director, Texas A&M: Hi Jim Adler the Texas Hammer, thanks for taking my question. How much will I win if I sue for the awful smell of fish bait in my bus? I'm really distraught and my arm hurts from the smell.
JIM ADLER: YOUR ARM HURTS? FROM THE SMELL? DID YOU GET HIT BY THE BUS OR YOU JUST LOOKED AT THE BUS?
Byrne: I just looked at the bus, then I hit the tweets. Gotta get the message out. It hurt my arm. Plus I've just been real sad lately. Why do you wear an American cape?
JIM ADLER: IMA HAVE TO THINK ON THAT ONE A WHILE. BUT ABOUT THE SADNESS- TRY SOME VITAMIN B AND I WEAR AN AMERICAN CAPE BECAUSE I'M AN AMERICAN. NEXT QUESTION?
Dan Dan the Tech Fan In Dallas: Thanks for taking my question Jim Adler the Texas Hammer. Will we be able to stop Collin Klein this weekend, and if not, will we keep kicking field goals to try and stay within 4?
JIM ADLER: YOU AREN'T GONNA COMPLETELY SHUT KLEIN DOWN, SO YOU BETTER GET IT IN THE OL' ENDZONE. THAT MEANS VERTICAL PASSES AND NOT HAVIN' DOEGE AIMIN' AT THE YARD STICKS ON THE SIDELINE EVERY OTHER PLAY. LEAVE THE CARONA ON THE BEACH. GET YOUR ASSES IN THE ENDZONE! I ONCE GOT A COUPLE $52,574.23 FROM AN 18 WHEELER THAT BURNED DOWN THEIR HOUSE. NEXT QUESTION?
Lonely mom in Seminole: Thank you so much Jim Adler the Texas Hammer. I listen to your show all the time. My question is: how do I keep from getting mad at my co-workers? They are so annoying, always talking and stealing my pizza and ice cream. And also, how tall are you?
JIM ADLER: WEAR HEADPHONES AND STOP EATIN' PIZZA AND ICE CREAM. IF YOU'RE A LONELY MOM, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY SOME LETTUCE AND A JUMPIN' JACK. I'M TALL ENOUGH TO TOWER OVER YOUR STADIUM AND MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER. I'M A TEXAS HERO. I SEE EVERYTHING. I CAN GET YOU $43,407.18 IF AN 18 WHEELER STEALS YOUR PIZZA AND ICE CREAM, EVEN IF YOU SHOULD LAY OFF. NEXT QUESTION?
Conan O'Brien, New York: You are my hero Jim Adler the Texas Hammer, I love your show. My question is: will I wallow in obscurity on TBS forever or will I ever hit the big time again? I'm sick of getting bumped for Family Guy reruns.
JIM ADLER: KEEP THE FAITH CONAN. LOOSEN UP. LET YOUR HAIR DOWN. THE FAMILY GUY IS AWESOME AND WILL ALWAYS PRE-EMPT SO DON'T LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT, BUT IF YOU GET PRE-EMPTED BY AN 18 WHEELER, CALL ME. I CAN GET YOU $87,864.92 BECAUSE YOUR SHOW GOT CANCELED BY AN 18 WHEELER. I'M THE HAMMER. SHAKE THAT ASS. EVERYBODY! GET UP! GET UP AND SHAKE IT!
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I'M JIM ADLER THE TEXAS HAMMER! I'M HERE TO MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER. ASK ME A QUESTION AND I'LL BLOW YOUR MIND! I'M THE MOTHER HUMPIN TEXAS HAMMMMMERRR! I'M THE LIFE COACH!
GO RED RAIDERS! I'M JIM ADLER!
PLUS, IF YOU GET YOUR SHIT STOLE BY A PUNK-ASS 18 WHEELER, CALL ME. NEXT QUESTION?