FanPost

Musings from the Bell Tower Boys: The Boatload of Stupid Cruise

HeadlineBoatload

Fleece Navitod America!  Happy New Years!  It's your old buddies from the Bell Tower, back once again to make you rest assured!

 

I know, I know, it's been way too long but you just can't imagine how busy we've been.  We had a huge Thanksgiving party and then all of the sudden it was the Christmas season (Fleece Navitod for all our friends from overseas!)  In between the big parties we had to wrap up a football season, get basketball started off on the right foot, and do some work on the hill.  Now don't you worry- we're gonna get that hill completed so all our student athletes will be injury free.  We had to dig a big hole to stabilize the hill, so it's taken longer than expected.  On top of all that, we've been working with the fine folks at Chuck e Cheese on Gerald's retirement party.  Shout out Chuck e!

As you know, our work is never done. Recently though, we were able to squeeze in a weekend retreat.  We wanted to get away from all the hustle and bustle, do some planning for the future, discuss our awesomeness, and recharge our batteries.  There were tons of getaways available but after careful consideration, we decided to take a little cruise.  And, since PR is our specialty, we wanted to invite some journalists to document our awesomeness and to ask the hard hitting questions.  Our social network is huge, and we could've taken anybody, but we decided to invite the Woodard and Bernstein of Lubbock media.  Yeah, that's right bitches, we took Williams and Hyatt from the Williams and Hyatt show!  This issue of MBTB is dedicated to a recap of the retreat.  Enjoy!

The Big Day-  All aboard!

10:15am:  I picked up Gerald, Pony, Williams and Hyatt.  They had a sleep over the night before at Gerald's so they were all kinda groggy.  But, the late night was constructive.  They built a fort and made waffles.  Pony slept on the trampoline and Gerald made some life decisions from inside the fort.

10:18am: Stopped at 7Eleven so Gerald could go to the bathroom and Hyatt could get a SlimJim.  I gave him a $20 and damned if he didn't spend it all!  He bought three Big Gulps, three Big Bite hot dogs and a six pack of Red Dog Beer.  He said he gets a lot of ideas for his blog from the Red Dog bottle caps.  He also bought five lotto tickets.  Williams picked up two Thrifty Nickels to read on the trip and Pony waited in the car.  He had to put his cognito head on just in case anyone spotted him.  It's still in his contract and he has discipline and he always follows his contract with discpline.

11:06am: Gerald's out of the bathroom so we're ready to hit the road.

11:18am: Hyatt keeps calling me "West Texas" and Gerald "Sunset".  He calls Pony "Pony".

"Hello West Texas, I'm from West Texas, you wish you were from West Texas, Sunset, West Texas.  Hello and greetings.  West Texas.  Rudy's West Texas.  Lady Raiders, Pony and barbeque.  West Texas.  Rudy's special sauce".  Pony. Love that West Texas Lotto.

I think the Big Gulps are gettin' to him.

11:32am: We arrive at the port and wait for our cruise liner.  We have about an hour to kill so we sit at a picnic table and engage in some small talk.  After a few minutes, Williams goes in for the kill.  He says he wants to ask me a question.  Boy oh, boy, here we go.  Let's play hardball!  Let 'em fly Williams,  I'm ready!  I clinch up my stomach muscles and grit my teeth because I'm ready for the hard hittin' action.  I'm ready Williams, fire away.  He pulls out his notebook and begins.

Williams: Will you ask Gerald if Will Flemmons is from Floydada or Paducah?  I can't remember.

Me: (confused) What?  Why can't you ask him?

Williams:  Because he will only speak in Pig Latin from now on.  He made the decision last night from inside the fort.

Me:  Oh yeah, I forgot.  I'll ask him later.  Don't you have any more hard hittin' questions?  Don't you want to know what really goes on in the Bell Tower?

Williams:  Nah.  I met Randy Galloway once.  He told me to get him some coffee.

Hyatt:  WEST TEXAS, HELLO!  God made barbeque.  Get on the PAIN TRAIN!  West Texas! I won $2!  Texas Lotto rules!

Me: Maybe you should slow down on the Big Gulps, Hyatt.

Hyatt: Gotta tweet.  Gotta send some tweets.  Look at me!  Tweetin' about West Texas!  Tweetin' about the Pony! Drinkin' the Big Gulp and doin' the tweet.  Lucky, lucky lotto.

Williams: Crosbyton has a strong team this year.

Me: What?

Williams: Idalou and Ralls.

Me: (still confused) I'm not following you anymore?

Hyatt:  Follow me!  I'm on the Twitter!  West Texas version.  Barbeque!  Doin' the damn thang!  Twitter Lotto.  Lotto Twitter. Follow me at  www.twittertwangwesttexastwittercountryladyraidersinthehousetwangtwangSwoopestwittertwang.com

Gerald: hut-way is witter-tway?

Me: Gerald, stop it!  You know I can't understand foreign languages.

Gerald: Orry-say  ister-may hancellor-chay.  I orgot-fay you are a ucking-fay oron-may from immit-day.

Me: No problem.  Don't worry about it.

Pony:  I'm hot.  This horse head hurts my ears.

Williams: Now let's vote on mullets.  For or against?  The AJ made me give up my mullet several years ago but I haven't given up on sporadic facial hair.  I've been growing a moustache and/or goatee for 22 years.  It's almost all filled in and it looks good with my new golden locks.

Hyatt: I've got the goatee too.  Makes me look tough in West Texas.  Lady Raiders!  West Texas Goatee!  Doin' the tweet thang!  West Texas Lotto king, sittin' right here in this chair!

Gerald: ead-day quirrel-say on your ace-fay.

Me: Gerald, I'm warnin' you.  I can't tell if you're cussin' your boss with that language.  Cut it out or I'll have your ass.

Pony: This bench hurts my fanny.

Williams: (back to reading his Thrifty Nickel) Sweet!  A Fiero for sale in Abernathy!  I'm buyin' that bitch!  My new golden locks will have a chance to flow!

Hyatt: Shotgun!  All-time!

Me: Damn.

Pony: What? I can't hear.

Gerald: amn-day.  Omebody-say is etting-gay aid-lay!

Hyatt:  I'm tweetin' that!  I called all-time shotgun in the new Fiero!  West Texas rules!  Tweet tha thang!

Pony: I feel dizzy.  Can I get some water?

Hyatt:  You can have one of my Big Gulps.  It's a suicide.  Pay me back.

Me: Ok, before the cruise ship gets here, do either of you have any more hard hittin' questions?

Hyatt: Yes, I have one more question:  Can you read my blog?  It's about to get shut down for lack of activity. West Texas.  Bloggin' and tweetin' from the hub city!  Bloggin' the damn thang!  Gimme two hits on my home page! 

Gimme two hits, gimme two hits mister, gimme two hits on my blog. 

Gimme two hits, gimme two hits mister, and you'll never see me no more...

Me: Of course!  I'm sure it's much better than those boatloads of stupid that perveate the web these days.  Have you seen some of the crap that's out there in Double T Nation?  Wow!  By the way, I love me some Lynyrd Skynyrd.  He was a good man.

Anyhow, speakin' of boats- here comes ours now!  Everybody line up.  I wanna get a picture before we board.  Gerald, look this way.  Gerald, look over here!  Say "Tier 1!"  Gerald! GERALD!

 

PaddleBoat

There it is folks!  The money shot!  My only regret is that I didn't get in the picture, but somebody had to snap it.  Besides, those idiots can't work a Polaroid like I can.  I'm a Polaroid MoatZart.  I know how to get everyone centered and in the frame.  Sure, we had our challenges, but what great photographer doesn't?  Do you think war correspondents have it easy?  I saw it all, and still delivered.  Williams' new hair was flying, Gerald was distracted by a butterfly, Pony was about to faint and I had to find a stool for Hyatt to stand on, but I got the shot.  I always get the shot. 

If you squint real hard, and look above Pony's cognito head,you can see our beautiful cruise liner off in the horizon. It's so beautiful that you can hear music just by looking at it.

Yes, the cruise liner and retreat was only a paddle boat ride at Buffalo Lake, but that's the point.  It's amazing what a little West Texas humility will do for one's expectations.  Some of you hear the word "cruise" and in your mind's eye you immediately see Caribbean islands, casinos and endless buffets.  Those of us in Lubbock, however, know how to manage our expectations.  We had a great time paddllin' around Buffalo in our four man paddle boat.  Who needs Carnival to have a good time?  We've got a four man paddle boat!  Fortunately, Williams and Hyatt are kinda small so all five of us fit.  And, lucky for us, Williams and Hyatt don't ask any questions.  They have respect for their superiors.  They let us manage their expectations.  We set the tone.  We spoon it out, and they lick it up.  Like little kitties. 

They would never ask why the new football coach deserves a 33% raise after finishing 5th in the Big 12 South.  Sure the unemployment rate is over 9%, and millions haven't gotten a pay increase in years, but who cares?  Anybody that doesn't see the justification is stupid.  They aren't concerned that Bobby's son makes $150,000 per win.  He works hard and deserves every penny! 

Do you see how this works?  We're sellin' you a paddle boat at Buffalo Lake and tellin' you it's a cruise!  Lick it up little kitties!

Do you really expect us and our journalists to understand that a fan base consists of thousands of opinions, and all of them can be legit? Why, that's just stupid. 

That's boatloads of stupid. 

 

<em>This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Viva The Matadors' writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Viva The Matadors' writers or editors.</em>

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