Hello, hello, hello again! Welcome to the August edition of our lil' newsletter. This month is bittersweet for us as we have made a very difficult decision. With football season approaching and busy schedules for all, we've decided to make this our last official issue of Musings from the Bell Tower Boys. Yes, that's right, we're taking a much deserved high-anus. It's a tough call, but we've got to get ready to refinish the floors. We'll be so busy we just won't have time to put out a new edition every month. And Coach Katfish said refinishing the floors will help with recruiting.
Now, rest assured, if something big happens we'll be back, real quick. We're keeping our cognito disguises and we'll keep our noses to the grindstone in case the rumor mill starts milling. If so, we'll be on the case, checking things out and bringing you the facts. Because that's what we do. We bring the facts. We dress up in drag and horse costumes and bring you the straight facts.
So, buckle up and enjoy our August issue. This month the chancellor sounds the red flag on a coming crisis, Gerald returns with a great tail-gating recipe and the Pony has another movie review. We've also got a "mending fences" edition of our Quote of the Month segment and we'll give you a behind the scenes sneak peak at what we'll be focused on this fall. Enjoy!
Hance on Leadership
Leadership Lesson #6: You gotta see the future.
This could be the most important leadership quality you ever develop. You can get caught up in the daily operation of your enterprise, and some managers prove to be effective operators. Most managers nit-pick every single detail. But managers manage, while leaders have crystal balls. Leaders look at their crystal balls every day to see what might be lurking down the road. The best leaders guard their balls and keep them polished. They gaze into their balls and lay out plans for the future based on what they see.
Over the past few days, I've been looking at my balls, and I have to be honest, I don't like what I see. Danger is lurking and we have to prepare for some bad times. No, I'm not talking about robots or terrorists. I'm not talking about the economy or Beebe's new job at Marble Slab Creamery. I'm talking about something much more sinister and dangerous. I'm talking about the looming PIG BOMB.
Yeah, that's right. This Pig Bomb is coming and we have to prepare. Pigs have gone wild all across this country and we are powerless. I saw it on the Discovery Channel and I see it in my balls. The Pig Bomb is ticking and getting ready to explode. In fact, the pig in this picture ate a Hyundai filled with Japanese tourists moments before he was shot. But, don't take my word for it. Take a look at what some lady posted on the internet:
Wild pigs have been getting more and more news coverage due to the bizarre incidents which have been happening as these wild pigs encounter people. The wild pigs are extremely aggressive and have been known to break into homes and attack people. They have caused millions of dollars in damages to farms across the nation.
So, where do we go from here? What happens if a crazy pig breaks into Taylor Potts' apartment and attacks him? Will Steven Sheffield help him? They may not be friends but for the sake of humanity we have to pull together on this. We have to "stick" together and diffuse this ugly Pig Bomb. Stand tall Red Raiders! Don't let the coming Pig Bomb tear you apart!
Sticks, you can fight for your job later but right now you have to save Taylor! Answer the phone when he calls, screaming in terror because a giant pig just picked his lock and is trying to take him hostage! Don't let the crazy pig steal his silver! Help your teammate and lead your fellow Red Raiders!
We will defeat this epidemic. And when we do, you can bet your sweet ass that I'll keep my balls polished while keeping my eyes on the horizon. I'll be ready for anything. That's what good leaders do. Good leaders polish their balls.
No, I stand corrected. GREAT leaders polish their balls. In public.
Gerald's Delicious Tail-Gating Recipe and Interview
I'm so sad that this is our last issue. I've really enjoyed sharing my experiences with you. Over the past few months I've done some ground breaking interviews and given you my family recipes. We took some cool trips and we gave you insight into our Bell Tower professionalism. But, as Mark Twain said, "all good times must end when the horse head is at the cleaners."
Anyway, I know many of you are getting primed for the start of the football season. I've been saving this recipe and I know it's gonna blow your mind. If you get started now, you'll be able to share this delicious treat with all your buddies before the SMU game. Enjoy!
1 large elephant
2 medium rabbits (optional)
some salt & pepper to taste
a little garlic
1. Cut elephant into bite size pieces (takes about a month)
2. Add brown gravy and garlic
3. Bake for 27 days at 465 degrees on an open flame (61 days if using a smoker)
For larger groups add 2 rabbits to the gravy. Serves about 395. 396 with the rabbits.
Conversations with Gerald
In the last several months I've brought you some incredible stuff. I'm probably gonna win a lot of awards for my work because I did things that no one has ever thought of. I did things that no respectable journalist would ever consider. I interviewed Tech legends, a Native American Chief and I rocked your world when I interviewed myself. Last month I broke new boundaries when I interviewed Snoop Dogg while Jim Rome interviewed me. And Snoop Dogg was eating a big ass steak! I am the interview king! Oprah is a punk! What up, Larry King!
So, what's next you ask? How can you possibly top yourself? Gerald, what glass ceiling will you break now? Here's how:
I stole a page from David Blaine. I locked myself into a glass case and had it lowered to the bottom of Buffalo Lake. Once secure, and the boats were gone, I began preparations to conduct the first ever telepathic interview!
I tied my Karate Kid headband tight, nibbled on a few mushrooms, and made mind contact with an American icon. Yeah, that's right. I interviewed Mel Gibson. In my mind! Here's how it went:
Gerald Myers: Crap it's dark in here. I hope I have enough air. Is that a shark? Ok, nevermind. Here we go. (Thinking telepathic thoughts) Hi Mel Gibson. Thanks for joining us today. I'm a big fan.
Mel Gibson: (At his home in Los Angeles and unaware of the situation at Buffalo Lake): Where's my Chex Mix! ______ damn ____ isolated in this hot ___ tub. You'll all be sorry someday. I'm gonna burn this __________ down and take a piss on your _____ while I'm holding my Polaroid and _____ your little dog. _____ little _____ dog. Where's my _____ Chex _____ Mix?!?!_____Ralph_____ Macchio______I got your Swan____ kick.
GM: You know, I can help you with the media. I know how to deal with them.
MG: _____ CHEX MIX! I'm gonna ____ in the Chex Mix as soon as you get it here. I can't wait to ____ that Chex Mix and laugh like a _____crazy ____ animal. (Heavy breathing). (Panting). (Crazy____ laughter). (Now crying). Wax On! Wax_____ ON!!!! Paint the fence! Paint the ____________ FENCE!!!!
Bubba who? Why I am thinking about a guy named Bubba? Who the ____ is Bubba___ Jennings? Why is he in my _____ mind? I swear, I'm gonna start freaking the ____ out. (More heavy breathing). Cobra Kai. Cobra ___ KAI.
I love Bubba Jennings! Yeah, I said it. I ____ love Bubba_____ Jennings! I ______ love _____ him, OK! BANZAI!!! Why? Why am I saying these things?
GM: See, it's working. I knew I could calm you down. Just relax, it'll all blow over soon. Serenity. Deep breaths. Love and light.
MG: (Heavy breathing and panting, sounds like an injured dog) Sand the floor. Sand the floor. Why am I thinking about this?
GM: Love and light. Bobby Knight. Love and light. Bobby Knight.
MG: Bobby Knight? Is that the dude that wrote The Sixth Sense? Why am I thinking about him? Does he have a role for me? If he doesn't I'm gonna ____ his ____ ears and take his car and ____ the gas tank while I'm smoking a ____ Marlboro. Bobby_____ Knight. I'll put the Bruce in your ____ Willis. Red____ sweaters and scenes. Paint the ______ fence!!! Who is in my head? Why am I thinking about these things?_____ M. Knight Sham a ___ lan.
GM: Love and light. Bobby Knight.
MG: I'm so tired. I'm getting sleepy. Plus, I think I want to apologize. I need to relax a little. I love Russian women. What's the big deal? Love and light. Bobby Knight. Fake boobs are ok. I love big, fake boobs. I love everybody.
But if you don't bring my ____ CHEX MIX I'm gonna hook myself up to the blender and _____ my _____ into the _____!!!!!!!! I love mushrooms. They have a bad rap. Big boobs are good though. Boobs. Big boobs. And everybody. I love everybody.
Love and light. Good night. (heavy breathing slowly subsides)
GM: Thank you Mel Gibson! Now get me out of this box. I just saw a dead body. Where are the boats? Seriously. Get me out of here. HELP! I CAN'T BREATHE. GET ME OUT!
So there you have it. The first ever telepathic interview conducted with a certified socio-path. Go ahead and send the Pulitzer, an Emmy, a Tony, and an ESPY to the Bell Tower. I think we can all agree that I've earned it. Up yours Oprah! Screw you Anderson Cooper 360! Paint the fence! I want some Chex Mix!
Hello again from Craig's corner! If you're looking for in-depth movie reviews and social commentary, come into my corner! You'll get used to the smell!
This month, I'm gonna review the James Cameron epic, Avatar. This was one of the best movies I've seen in a while. I'm confused though because that Avatar guy has been in every movie recently (Terminator, Clash of the Titans, Avatar) and I still have no idea who he is. Loved the special effects. But c'mon, give me a break. Floating mountains? Really?
Speaking of mountains, I have a heavy heart. We are now into August and I can see this country facing a steep climb. This country needs leadership. This country needs an iron jaw. This country needs a daddy. I am that daddy! Get on this pony. GET YOUR ASS ON THIS PONY! I have a big saddle and I just cleaned it. GET YOUR ASS ON THIS PONY WITH THE CLEAN SADDLE!
I will lead you through the wilderness. I will lead you up over the streams and between the pine trees. I will lead you up that steep mountain. Get on this pony. My saddle is clean. I'll take you up the mountain and over the edge of the cliff. I promise.
I'm Craig James and I approve of this message.
Political ad paid for by Friends United for Craig and his Kid. Craig James.
Quote of the Month
Our quote of the month has a dual purpose. We thought we'd kill two birds in the hand with the stone in the bush. First, we wanted to mend some fences. We've been scouring the headlines every month for quotes but ignored the fact that we had a machine under our feet for the last ten years. We know you love him, so we wanted to mend that fence.
Secondly, we wanted to use this space to comment on one of the hot topics in our country. No, I'm not talking about Jersey Shore, I'm talking about borders.
Border security is not just a problem in Arizona, it's a problem in America. We can argue the different points, but the burning question is: When will they fix our borders so we can shop in Mexico? When will we be able to buy those sweet blankets again?
No matter what side of the border debate you're on, we all agree that you can buy some cool shit in Juarez. Mike Leach gave his thoughts on border security and buying cool shit in 2006 before his team traveled to El Paso to take on the UTEP Miners. When asked about the trip he gave us a peek inside his head and his thoughts on society's ills:
"None of that spring break movie stuff, you know? No bullfights. No gambling. No donkeys. No vanilla extracts. No piñatas. None of that stuff. Straight football. No switchblades."
Sure, we've had our differences, but you gotta hand it to him. He nailed it in so many ways.
Our football teams would be stronger, our borders would be more secure, and world peace would be achievable if we all followed Mike's simple rules. Don't believe me? Here's proof: America is filled with danger. There are way too many switchblades and not enough straight football is practiced in our schools. In Mike Leach's America there are no bullfights or gambling. There is a healthy amount of donkeys and vanilla extracts but none of the really bad stuff. No pinatas. None of that stuff. Straight football. No switchblades.
It's a safe, harmonious, entertaining border. It's Mike Leach's America and it's beautiful.
Thanks for everything Mike. We'll never forget you.
So we've covered the fact that we're super busy. We have all those floors to refinish and the new era of Tech football is about to fire up. Pony will be on ESPN 14 hours a day and we've got tons of fundraisin' to do. So, in order to keep our stress level low, we decided to jump into a hobby that many of you are involved in. That's right, we started our own Fantasy Football League!
We had our draft last Wednesday morning and it was loads of fun. This is the first year playing for all of us but we've gotten off to a great start. We have four teams, a $15 certified check, and a stuffed squirrel up for grabs for the champion. To the winners go the spoils!
I think I have a good team but we'll see. Gerald could be the dark horse but Pony looks pretty solid. Keith Richards owed me a favor (W. introduced us in the 80's and he owes me big) so he rounded out the league for us. Plus, he has some free time and he looks like he might need a hobby. And a sandwich.
Anyway, here's a breakdown of the league. Each team came up with an original name, listed their draft picks, and philosophy:
Keith is pretty confident but that's why they play the game. If championships were awarded based on paper then Alabama would have won the National Championship last year. Let's rock and roll!
I think I have a good chance but if Yoda goes crazy, all bets are off. And who knows, tight ends could be this years version of Miles Austin. It's a total coin toss. We'll certainly let you know how it plays out. You know the boys in the Bell Tower will always represent!
So, that's it. Thanks for spending part of your off-season with us and for not giving up. You keep cheering for Texas Tech and we'll keep our eyes on our crystal balls. If the Pig Bomb impacts our starting QB's, we'll take decisive action. We owe you that much. We won't let crazy pigs steal Taylor Potts' silverware. We'll take action!
So, what can we say? We screwed up, big time. We meant some fences and now it's going to be ok. We'll survive the Pig Bomb and somehow, we lucked into the Katfish. The Katfish is gonna make it all better. The Katfish is gonna take us all to the promised land. The Katfish will make us forget about the destruction caused by feral pigs.
Enjoy the season. Enjoy the Katfish.